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Getting close to ending my marriage - anything I should do/consider/know? Advice needed!

(7 Posts)
flurostripes Sun 12-May-13 08:17:19

I am getting close to ending my marriage of 5 yrs and am feeling very scared about it all. Because it has been a considered decision I have weighed the pros and cons heavily. My husband is a good man and a very good father and practically I get a lot of support from him but it is like living with a friend.

Before I make the irreversible decision to tell him I want out of the marriage I almost want someone to shake me and say "but have you thought about this?" "have you thought about that?" etc.

I have considered:
What would happen to DS, both practically and emotionally.
Whether I could afford to stay in the house (I could and h is happy for us to).
How lonely I would be/not be
The fact I may not have more kids (after Ds' well being this is my biggest fear)
How my lifestyle would change
How knackered I would be single parenting
Whether I could keep my job and do the childcare runs (I thinking could with a little bit of flexibility from my employer)

I had a thread here about the marriage. http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1750660-Has-it-passed-the-point-of-being-fixable

I'd really appreciate some thoughts. Have tried talking to RL friends but none my age have been in this situation so they all say "just work on it"....

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 12-May-13 08:36:38

Sounds like you've thought it through very carefully and considerately. Have you sought legal advice yet?

meditrina Sun 12-May-13 08:41:55

It'll be an emotional journey, even when well prepared.

From your list, I'd concentrate on sorting out how you keep working. Maintaining your income and day to day routine will be enormously important, and will underpin a number of the other issues (such as what will lifestyle be like).

flurostripes Sun 12-May-13 08:55:43

@cog - no I haven't - I was hoping we could divide assets and sort childcare ourselves. We earn very similar amounts and I have always worked so I assumed we'd go 50/50.... And that he would pay what gov deems appropriate maintenance for DS. We've both got good pensions so I just thought we would remove eachother from them. I could be being totally naive though!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 12-May-13 09:25:40

You can still sort things out between you but get legal advice first so that you know what you are agreeing to is fair and binding. The CSA calculator for maintenance, for example, is really just a guide. It could be that your DCs actually need a higher figure. 50/50 is also a starting point rather than cast in stone. However amicable the split today, future-proof your agreement by having it in writing. Some solicitors offer a free half-hour consultation and it never hurts to be well-informed

flurostripes Sun 12-May-13 19:21:47

True. Is it normal to feel a sense of failing your children when it's you who wants to end the marriage?

scaevola Sun 12-May-13 19:30:11

Yes, because what you are comparing is the end of the marriage (when the future looks at its most uncertain) to the shiny idealised 'what might have been' marriage (and that is the version you are mourning, as you realise it can never happen). Any sense of "failure" is connected to the dream version.

What is really happening though, is that you are finding the best way ahead for all of you from a start point of the life you were actually living. Not the would/could have been. The failure would have been in not acting once the need was clear.

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