Hi
I have posted many times before (intermittently) so if you look up some of my threads you will get a flavour of what I am talking about.
Basically, h and I are in our nth period of utter silence following an argument. While we were in counselling last year he said it wasn't that he "wasn't talking to me" but that he had nothing to say. The longest these silences have lasted is 6 to 8 weeks.
This last silence came after 2 to 3 weeks of getting on reasonably well during which I was feeling a lot more positive (as our relationship is on very shaky ground). That's what made the beginning of our current silence even harder to bear - that feeling of here we go again.
I've been involved in a campaign to help stop my dcs' primary school being forced to become an academy. H has been quite cynical and negative about the whole thing, though occasionally coming up with positive suggestions.
The current ostracism began because he lost his temper with me over something really silly, telling me not to talk to him in the way I was talking (he was filling in a form which I was going to post and I was telling him to hurry up as I had to be somewhere) but to save that for "the stupid people you talk to" and that "you spend all your time doing junky things for other people but nothing for me"...
It sounds like not much but there is a context to it all which I found deeply upsetting. H can be ok but he can also be deeply critical, very negative and autocratic. Over the months and years there have been various outbursts where he has said things which I find completely unacceptable. His main gripe with me is that I am untidy. I used to spend too much money on crap (around the time that my Mum was ill and then died of breast cancer 6 years ago) but that is over now.
We went to counselling last year but that was cut short after one session when things got very heated and I was very honest about the negative things which I felt. He said he would not be going back and cue another long period of silence.
So this latest period of silence is killing me. At first I was deeply angry at the things he had said to me and the way he had said them so I wasn't "talking" either. After 2 or 3 days however I calmed down, but of course h is not talking at all and this could carry on for weeks and weeks. I actually cannot do this anymore. In the past it has always been me who has got him out of silences after weeks of agonising, but I don't see why I should.
We basically have no tools whatsoever at our disposal to resolve our arguments / differences. H will quickly get angry and then shut down completely.
So, apart from very rare moments where we might sleep together (this is when we are talking), there is no affection between us. I cannot live like this anymore. I think what he is clearly telling me is that he actually does not care whether I am here or not. Every night he spends hours and hours developing websites on his computer (he does other work during the day which he doesn't like). He is totally and utterly self sufficient.
The problem with getting divorced is that I am a SAHM (kids are 7, 9 and 11). I should now be applying for work but feel so distraught at the situation (having to go round the house being chirpy for the kids) that I cannot bring myself to big myself up on application forms.... If I could run away I would.
H is once divorced, and in the past when I have said we need to separate has said things like "fuck off" then, so he would not be of the amicable school of separation. I am frightened of a million and one things. Especially, I suppose, that if we get divorced, I will not be able to be there all the time for my children.
On the other hand, I don't want them to grow up thinking that it's normal that your parents spend half their time not talking to each other.
My Dad lives abroad. My sister lives close by but is not really in a position to support me emotionally. I am terrified of leaving the family home (I don't mean without the kids - they would have to see both of us), but see no other way for me to regain some confidence and ability to act. I feel totally frozen and paralysed and fear that the rest of my life is going to be lived in this way.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Feeling hopeless
feelokaboutit · 12/05/2013 00:04
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