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Advice needed for a friend

(8 Posts)
hf128219 Sat 11-May-13 20:39:39

I really just would like some advice. A good friend of ours has just come round to say his dw no longer loves him, want a divorce, wants the house etc.

Without going into too much detail they have a 4 year old child and she doesn't even seem to want to try to salvage anything.

She has gone to stay with her sister tonight, he is shellshocked as you can imagine. More or less everything seemed fine in their marriage, apart from the usual ups and downs.

I advised him about Relate counselling etc, said things must be worth trying to salvage, etc.

However she allegedly just seems to not want even to try.

Any advice please. Thanks.

hf128219 Sat 11-May-13 22:03:00

Bump

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 12-May-13 07:30:56

Relate's no good when someone's made up their mind to go Counselling for himself solo might help him come to terms with what's happening in due course. But what your friend needs now is a friend to talk to for emotional support plus some good, professional, practical advice about things like legalities, finances, access to his child and that kind of thing. If they have any joint savings, for example, he should make sure she can't empty them out.

If he's in shock because this has come out of the blue he's going to find it very hard to marshall his thoughts. He may even not want to accept it's all over. There are always two sides to any story, of course. One person's 'usual ups and downs' can be another's 'intolerably bad marriage'. But if she's talking about 'wanting the house' he really has to take her on face value & protect himself... even if that sounds rather cold.

hf128219 Sun 12-May-13 08:17:01

Thanks. I just cannot believe she is so final.

newbiefrugalgal Sun 12-May-13 08:20:14

Without taking sides are you her friend as well?
Can you chat to her? Find out anymore?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 12-May-13 08:28:51

You don't know what led up to her leaving. You've only to read a few threads on here to know that a lot of people are tolerating very miserable living situations... women and men alike... that to the casual observer seem to be perfectly functional relationships. She could have been having an affair and decided to leave your friend for the OM. She could have felt put-down and neglected by your friend for years and some straw has broken the camel's back.

The truth of what's gone on is between them. Offer support to your friend but keep an open mind.

hf128219 Sun 12-May-13 08:34:33

I am definitely keeping an open mind. But just to walk out from her child - who stayed with the dad last night - seems very extreme.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 12-May-13 08:42:51

It is extreme but, then again, men do that all the time and no-one turns a hair. It's so difficult to judge and very dangerous to generalise but women who leave the children behind often feel they have no choice, they're in some kind of danger or it's an 'end of tether' scenario. They can just be acting selfishly, of course. If she's only staying with her sister for a night or so then 'end of tether' might be the one to plump for.... ie. she needs breathing space. If she's gone for good and has no plans to return to either your friend or her DC then something else is going on.

Again... you have to stand a little back from it and try to offer support without leaping to too many conclusions.

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