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(55 Posts)
olivia12 Sat 11-May-13 16:57:49

I apologise in advance for the long rant but I just feel like unburdening myself as I would never talk to anybody about this in RL.
Something happened today that has made me so angry at my husband and I feel has tipped the scale towards a separation because we have been so unhappy for so long, but still we keep trying for the sake of our daughter.
BUT what has happened today, I feel personally, really has taken things too far and I find it really hard to forgive him and I am usually a very forgiving person. He is not even sorry.
We were at a shopping centre after lunch in a restaurant and we were going past some shops. I said I wanted to go in a Warehouse shop and he said no, let's go. At this I said ok, but after a couple of shops he saw a suits shop and said I am going in. As he said that, I said while you are in there I am going to Warehouse. He said no to that, but I contested and said, yes I am going. He kept going in the shop, he went in with my daughter and I went to Warehouse. I stayed literally 2 minutes and returning to the suit shop, there was no sign of him anywhere.
I looked in the shop, everywhere, there were nowhere to be found, I tried calling him, no reply, I called 20 times, all the way to the platform station, then on the train, I had tears in my eyes, my daughter's coat in my hands and I was dumbfounded by this behaviour. I got home 15 minutes after and they were on the sofa, got home just a few minutes before me. He dared to say he didn't hear his phone, he didn't know where I was, but then he said like this I won't leave again next time. So he practically admitted he did it on purpose to teach me a lesson. I feel deeply ashamed in front of my daughter that he could do this, she is five year old and still innocent but soon will find out how manipulative he is.

How can I have any hope of a reasonable life with such a person? He often calls me names, also the one starting with a c, he says I am stupid and careless, lazy and he is often rude and has no respect for my feelings. I don't know how to fix this, when he is lovely I do love him, when he is horrible I hate him. I stayed this long, because I am scared to take that step and doing it on my own and I don't want to leave my daughter every weekend with him, he is a lovely father most of the time, but he can sometimes be a right idiot, as you can see from today's action.
Thanks for reading.

Roshbegosh Sat 11-May-13 17:02:59

That is terrible, if you stay with him he will break you.

KatieScarlett2833 Sat 11-May-13 17:03:04

Ugh what a nobend.
Teach you a lesson?
Tell him "thanks, lesson leaned, I'd like a divorce, please, now fuck the fuck off"
And see a solicitor.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Sat 11-May-13 17:03:11

How can I have any hope of a reasonable life with such a person?

You can't. He is a selfish, passive aggressive arsehole. The story about their disappearance and the lack of answering the phone reminds me of my estranged husband.

He was more interested in punishing you than behaving like an adult and being normal for the sake of your daughter... how dare he take her away from you (and her coat) to make a point?

I don't think you can have a reasonable, let alone a happy, life with this man.

When you say you don't want to leave your daughter with him is this just because you don't want time away from her, which of course is understandable, or because you don't think he is able to look after her properly.

So sorry you have had this horrible experience. flowers

fusspot66 Sat 11-May-13 17:06:57

Yes. Unforgiveable. He has no respect for you and was trying to put you in your place. (Unfortunately) there are lots of lovely mumsnetters who have had similar experiences and can help you work out what you want to do next.

olivia12 Sat 11-May-13 17:08:24

Thanks for your replies, exactly how I feel most days. He is able to look after her properly, even though he makes choices I would not make, like give her sweets whenever she wants or things like that. But also he says things to her I don't agree with, like she should not cry and should be tough or telling her constantly about the dangers of the world making her anxious.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 11-May-13 17:12:32

Hi olivia,

If you stay within this for your own reasons you will just teach your DD damaging lessons about relationships. Would you want your DD to be treated the same in a relationship as you currently are?.

Your H actively enjoys seeing your discomfort; he does not give a toss about you or his DD for that matter because if he did he would not treat you abusively.

There is no hope whatsoever of a reasonable life with such a person.
You cannot fix him and apart from that its not your responsibility to do so either!. Please realise this. He is responsible for his own actions, not you and he chooses to behave like this. Such men too hate women.

Many women in abusive situations often write the "good dad/lovely father" comment because they themselves can think of nothing positive to say about their man personally speaking. As is the case here, you've done that.

He calls you abusive names and his behaviour today was nothing short of power and control i.e abusive based to punish you for having the gall in his eyes to go into a shop of your choosing. He did this to teach you a lesson. Vile behaviour on his part.

Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied. He probably also thinks you'll never leave either because you're too afraid to do so. Prove him wrong and start talking to Womens Aid and trusted family members. Do not keep this secret any more. You need legal advice first and foremost re your DD and any access arrangements. Honestly, you'd be better off on your own and contact with such an individual can be arranged through a contact centre. There is no way on this planet I would have any informal arrangement re your DD with him because he would break any agreement you care to make with him. He will never be reasonable towards you and I would never enter any mediation with him either.

Do not stand for this any longer; your self worth and esteem is already low enough and he has caused you more than enough misery. Do not let him destroy you and by turn your DD any more.

Seek help from Womens Aid and look too at the Emotional abuse thread on these relationship pages. They can also give you the tools to get out.

This is truly no life for you or your DD and you cannot fully protect her from the realities of his abuse towards you. She is seeing this all too clearly and is learning from it. Do not leave her such a damaging legacy; you can and should get out. No obstacle is insurmountable.

cocolepew Sat 11-May-13 17:13:36

You'd be better off without him, but you know that. Be brave and take the first step.

pregnantpause Sat 11-May-13 17:15:16

I would.find it unforgivable in the circumstances you describe. It is seemingly an action reflective of his feelings toward you, disrespectful, condescending, manipulative and controlling.
He also used his child in his little game of control. I find that leaves a bad taste in my mouth, and I would be left with no respect and rather a lot of dislike for a man prepared to do that. It would certainly teach me a lesson. it would teach me all I needed to know about the pathetic little man to know that I couldn't spend my life with him.

tribpot Sat 11-May-13 17:17:30

Why would you stay? Who in the name of arse doesn't agree to spend 10 mins in two different shops before all going home together? Who takes their child home on public transport without a coat just to score a cheap point?

You do indeed have a lesson to learn. The lesson is that this man is not one with whom you can have any kind of mutually respectful - never mind loving - relationship.


SingingSilver Sat 11-May-13 17:19:38

He sounds very emotionally abusive. You either stay and let him grind all the dignity and self-respect out of you, or start planning your exit.

olivia12 Sat 11-May-13 17:26:17

He is now saying that he didn't know where I was and I have been reckless to leave without telling him where I was going, what rubbish! This is how he always turns it against me! Thanks for all your words, I know you are all correct and I should just be brave!

pregnantpause Sat 11-May-13 17:27:13

What's more his I didn't hear my phone doesn't explain why he left in the first place. He just about admitted it, but not really. He is a cowardly passive aggressive shit

pregnantpause Sat 11-May-13 17:29:15

So he went home instead of phoning you, he- left? How old is he? Not yet used to mobile phones is he?angry

NotTreadingGrapes Sat 11-May-13 17:31:20



What else does he do to undermine you?

ExcuseTypos Sat 11-May-13 17:32:05

If he didn't know where you were, he could have rang you. He chose not to inorder to"teach you a lesson".

Don't believe his excuses, he's a horrible , nasty man. You and your dd deserve much better.

olivia12 Sat 11-May-13 17:33:36

He is trying to blame it all on me, he has great talent in doing that, in the past I even start to believe him. Then he gives me a crumb by saying that he admittedly should have called me.

What about counselling? What if somebody else apart from me tells him he is emotionally abusive?

olivia12 Sat 11-May-13 17:34:16

Sorry if I can't reply to all, I am cooking dinner and looking after my daughter as well, and don't want him to catch me on mumsnet, so I might not be able to reply until later.

Kahlua4me Sat 11-May-13 17:36:54

His argument of not knowing where you were is ridiculous, which you already know, as if he was concerned he would have rung you to find out.

I don't think there is a way to go forward and staying with him will only make you sink lower and lower.

Dig deep and find your courage to leave. You can do it and life will be better in the end. Your daughter will be able to grow up in peace without taking his behaviour to you as normal.

My friend did exactly that after years of gas lighting and ea and is now completely transformed and content with life. Her dc are happy and blossoming. Also she has a new man who is just devine, lovely to her and treats the dc as his own.

Tell him that you have learnt your lesson, your eyes are open and you are moving on.

pregnantpause Sat 11-May-13 17:37:10

You can't go to counselling with an abuser, relate won't take you, he will manipulate the .sad you won't win with him. get out, or start making plans to.

SgtTJCalhoun Sat 11-May-13 17:42:06

We went shipping for curtain poles at Homebase ex and I, ds in his buggy. We had a disagreement while there. Nothing major. I paid for the curtain poles. When I looked for him he was nowhere to be found. It was winter and dark. He left me to walk home alone (around three miles), no taxis would take the poles.

When I arrived home he told me he had done it to "teach me a lesson". I should have left him on the spot. I KNOW how that feels OP. That humiliation that another adult is "punishing" and shaming you. The complete shock that someone who supposedly "loves" you would just leave you like that.

It's easy to say but you need to leave him. Do NOT minimise this. It's a HUGE, damaging and abusive act against you. sad. Yes it's unforgivable.

Piemother Sat 11-May-13 17:42:07

What a knob. I have been thinking about exh doing similar (v ea) and its quite similar.
Exh used to want to do the driving all the time to stay in control despite my god awful travel sickness. I would plead with him to stop at services and he would deliberately drive past because he could.
He also used to pretend to stop and wait for me when I was staggering along post section and deliberately walk ahead so I never caught up,
Sound familiar?

ExcuseTypos Sat 11-May-13 17:43:22

You don't need anyone else to tell him he's abusive.

You know he is, that's the important thing.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 11-May-13 17:46:13

He is an abusive asshole. Get rid!

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 11-May-13 17:47:09

Sorry, meant to add, that is a fucking awful thing to do!

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