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Was this reaction warranted?

(50 Posts)
buaitisi Sat 11-May-13 12:07:42

I've recently been diagnosed with endometriosis and the past two days I've been in a lot of pain - crying with it this morning and yes, I've been feeling sorry for myself.
Last week too my doctor brought me in as my smear test came back abnormal - nothing too much to worry about now but I have potentially precancerous cells - the doc says more than likely my body will get rid of it on its own so I know I'm fine but I was stressed about it.

My h has been good throughout this, got up & took care of ds this morn when I was in pain and has said 'I'm sorry you're feeling bad' but doesn't really want to be around me, feel I'm annoying him.

Anyway this afternoon, I was with ds and I asked h to take a pic of us. He took it but it was crap, so I said something like 'aw you didn't even try to get a nice one'

Background is, all my family and friends are in diff country and I like to send them pics & vids of ds. I have hardly any of me with ds, I've asked h to take some and he's taken one maybe 6 times since we've moved here (3 years)

I know it sounds really trivial but my parents love getting them and it's important to me.

Explained this to h.

He got really angry, said I' don't do it cos you're always fucking whinging about it' I prob do cos he doesn't bother taking a good one and it annoys me I can't send it on to my parents then. I can hear I'm being petty as I write this sad

I admit I got pissed off cod he just turned from me and back to his iPad as I was speaking. I was trying to tell him it's important to me so I wish he took a little extra care.

He then followed me into the kitchen, came up in my space and started mimicking my voice 'oh photos'
He said 'you're a very fucking irritating person, you're hard to live with and you're always whinging, i know you're having a tough week but you need to get over it now'

Stormed off and threw a book on the table as he walked past. Down in the room now on his iPad.

I have been feeling sorry for myself, my pain with endo has knocked me out, doc's visit and missing having friends & family to talk to. I haven't leaned on him really except to tell him what was happening but he hates when I'm over emotional so I've tried to hide it.

Do you think I deserved to be called an irritating person? I know sometimes I do whinge but not that much (I think) - I don't know anymore.

Every time we argue about something he makes it so personal and tells me something new that's wrong with me.

Need some perspective

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 11-May-13 12:18:59

Perspective? Verbal abuse is wrong, wrong, wrong. Calling someone irritating is fair enough but 'fucking irritating' is verbal abuse and unacceptable. Storming off and throwing objects is also appalling behaviour. If he'd prefer to hurl insults and tell you your 'faults' rather than discuss something calmly then he's a bully.

Lweji Sat 11-May-13 12:21:58

TBH, I'd have found "'aw you didn't even try to get a nice one" irritating.

You could have asked him to take another one because that was not how you wanted it, perhaps give him tips on how to take a good one.

OTOH, he was childish and overeacted. He was definitely not on.
If anyone had said the same to me, I'd probably say that I did try, but I couldn't do it better, and not to speak to me like that.

He does sound somewhat heartless at least.

I'd suggest that you talk to him and tell him that these attitudes may lead to the end of your marriage.
You may need to think a bit about you react to things and how you talk to him.

But, the point is that it has to be a joint effort to get along. Perhaps go to counselling if you can't work it out between yourselves, but make sure he's willing to and pulling his weight on the relationship front.
A one way effort is soul destroying.

Lweji Sat 11-May-13 12:22:45

Correction: "these attitudes WILL lead to the end of your marriage."

Roshbegosh Sat 11-May-13 12:22:51

Can you get someone else to take some nice pictures, maybe with him in them too? DH is being horrible though he did try at first, but maybe he is finding it all a bit much too. The pain will ease in a day or two as it is cyclical and the cervical test was precancerous so you just need to get the treatment. It probably all seems a lot worse than it is today because you feel rough. Best not to whinge, it does wear thin, sorry but it really does. Stop yourself.

buaitisi Sat 11-May-13 12:31:14

I know it's petty and trivial but when I ask him to take another or a few he says no, he doesn't want to.

Lweji Sat 11-May-13 12:33:02

No, it's not petty nor trivial.
If he loves you he should try at least a few times.

Roshbegosh Sat 11-May-13 12:36:43

Ask someone else, you must know someone after three years.
Relationships work both ways, it is not all about how he lets you down. What is it like for him?

Vivacia Sat 11-May-13 12:37:56

"You may need to think a bit about you react to things and how you talk to him." She needs to think about how she reacts and how she talks to him??

SwishSwoshSwoosh Sat 11-May-13 12:43:10

I don't think you did anything wrong, he sounds pretty hostile. Picking out your faults is unnecessary, throwing things etc.

I would feel sad if I couldn't even ask my partner to take a photo, hardly back breaking work.

Don't understand the responses here.

Lweji Sat 11-May-13 12:45:51

It depends, Vivacia, hence the "may".
We don't know how the dynamics work.

In truth, for all we know, the OP could be EA.

Also, you picked at a little point, not the whole post. It has to be taken in context.

SwishSwoshSwoosh Sat 11-May-13 12:53:58

In truth, for all we know, Lweji could be EA.

Anybody could be, it is the Internet, but judge on the info in the op rather than speculating wildly.

Lweji Sat 11-May-13 13:00:48

The info was limited to one event, and personally, I would have found the OP's comment not on.

We know that in some instances partners overreact to EA because it has been grinding for years.

What I wrote started from the assumption that there might be something to be worked at. Obviously on both sides, with emphasis on both sides. Hence the point about making sure he made his bit to improve the relationship.
Further posts from the OP have enlightened a bit and may provide a better picture.

buaitisi Sat 11-May-13 13:02:37

Yes, I know other people and yes they have photos I send. I ask h maybe once every 6 months if that.

I don't think I'm ea sad I've had a shit week, I asked him to do something for me that he knows is important to me, he did it in a way I thought showed he didn't care (maybe I'm wrong but I don't think I'm being picky here, half ds' face wasn't in it)
Ok, I accept I shouldn't have criticised how he did but what I want to know if his reaction, calling me names and throwing something was warranted?

In response to the person who asked what I do for him - I think I do quite a bit we're fairly equal with housework and I do most of the Childcare.
He expects me to maintain contact with his family, some of whom are overseas too and he has told me in the past I'm an emotional support for him.

I came on looking for perspective and I accept some people saying what I did was irritating. I am taking it on board.

Does that make it ok to call me a 'fucking irritating person whose difficult to live with?', I don't really feel I can speak to him about this as I'll be fulfilling his description of me as a whinger then.

Lweji Sat 11-May-13 13:04:03

(I don't really think you are EA, btw. Just trying to dig a bit deeper)

SwishSwoshSwoosh Sat 11-May-13 13:08:16

Lweji - I think if you want more context you should ask for it BEFORE suggesting the op is ea. Really bad form.

Lweji Sat 11-May-13 13:10:16

Ok, that sort of "bad picture" is appalling. Particularly as he didn't apologise and took another.

I don't really feel I can speak to him about this as I'll be fulfilling his description of me as a whinger then.
You could sit with him and tell him, calmly, that you can't accept him calling you a fucking irritating person and that if he does feel like that then he should leave instead of treating you badly. And that if he continues, you'll be the one leaving.
See how he reacts.

Lweji Sat 11-May-13 13:10:48

Oh, FGS, I didn't suggest it!

SwishSwoshSwoosh Sat 11-May-13 13:16:52

You said 'for all we know, the op is EA'.

SwishSwoshSwoosh Sat 11-May-13 13:17:46

Apologies, 'could be'

Lweji Sat 11-May-13 13:18:16

Sigh!

SwishSwoshSwoosh Sat 11-May-13 13:23:58

Op - it sounds like: you ask for help, he does something badly, you are disappointed, he gets really angry with you - is this correct and if so does it happen a lot?

LetsGetGoing Sat 11-May-13 13:26:05

His reaction was totally unnecessary and not in line with what you said. If he was annoyed with the way you said something, doesn't give him the right to launch into you the way he did. His overreaction sounds like that there maybe an underlying issue which needs addressing? Particualarly if your not well, he should be caring, kind and patient - not behaving like a complete a**ehole.

SwishSwoshSwoosh Sat 11-May-13 13:30:01

Lweji - you suggested it, you raised it on the thread, you introduced the idea here. Not sure why you are sighing.

Roshbegosh Sat 11-May-13 13:35:24

She just suggested a bit of balance and OP reflection rather than jumping in with how terrible he is. I agree.

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