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Reunion with toxic inlaws

(19 Posts)
pumpkinsweetie Sat 11-May-13 10:17:44

Sooo today is the day, the day i have finally decided to pet by gones, be by gones and make dh happy by allowing the dc contact with pil again. It has been 10 months since we parted ways, i say parted ways but it was more like me having had enough. These are truely toxic people and i dont know whether i am doing the right thing.

The reasons for my decision are pretty simple, mil isn't
getting any younger and i think she has suffered
enough from not seeing her
grandkids to learn not to
repeat the same behaviours.
Another is for dh, he has
longed for this day to come.

Please hold my hand as today isnt going to be easy for any if us!
This was completely my idea and i don't know whether i am going to regret it.
Yesterday i found out she will be bringing my niece, which would be a simple enough
request, but again it seems she cannot put these grandkids first even after apparently missing them so muchsad. Unfortunetly this has sent red flags waving in my face that she still hasn't changed, her other grandkids will always come first and again it seems, for not even one day can she put the effort in just for my dc!

There is a lot of history here, and i don't want to make this too long, but there have been issues regarding the singling out of my eldest dd who isn't dhs child, many of a time and final straw requiring nc was when mil called my dd a chinese boy, she is not chinese nor a boyangry
Before this there were various issues, normally where fil blows up, he turned up at my home last mothers day and created havoc because he assumed dh hadn't bought mil a present (he had) and started swearing and shouting abuse
about my dc, saying that he
wishes not to see them again
over a presentangry

There have been incidents of
them ruining christmas where
they take over my home
completely and one of a
wedding in the middle of no
where where mil was queen
bee for the day while i was
left with 2 small children in a
hotel room whilst the rest of
the family went out for drinks,
but i was uninvited.

Fil beat dh as a child, i only
found out last year sad and
not only this but fil also has a
thing for insisting my dc go
for naps with him in his bedshock.

This is only half of it, i could go on forever and upon reading all my old threads im
starting to recall all the negatives this family brings and i am basically asking you all to hold my hand whilst i hope for the best.

Only mil is being reunited with as fil poses too much of a risk to my family.
Im sitting and wondering whether i have made the hugest mistake by doing this. Has anyone reunited and had a good outcome ?


fanoftheinvisibleman Sat 11-May-13 10:24:25

I have never tried to reunite with my toxic il's so cannot offer you advice, just a hand to hold as I know how just thinking of them makes me feel.

pumpkinsweetie Sat 11-May-13 10:32:59

Thankyou fan, im trying to do the right thing, but as today has approaching im now having second thoughts that maybe this isn't the right thing. If it goes wrong then i won't be repeating it, i have told mil this in mil. Basically she has been told if it goes ok i will arrange further times with dc but not if she repeats her behaviour.
If fil is mentioned today, she isn't welcome here again.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 11-May-13 10:33:29

If you can now call this off I would do so even though it is last minute.

Having read and commented on other threads concerning these people, there is no way I would have restarted contact with them.

MIL is already pushing the boundaries here by bringing along her niece when it was really supposed to be your own childrens day.

Did DH really want to restart contact or have you been the main driving force behind such an idea?. Your reasons for restarting this although sound (in that you want to be nice and reasonable and perhaps come from a family where such dysfunction is thankfully unknown) do not at all work with toxic people as they do not and will not play by the "normal" rules governing familial relations. This could all too easily therefore blow up in your face and then you will have to cut contact yet again.

They have not changed and they will likely start on your children given any opportunity to do so.

diddl Sat 11-May-13 10:33:44

Never done this-but be prepared for it to crash down!

Why has your husband longed so much for it?

I understand that he might want to see his mum, but in all honesty it sounds as if your children need protecting from her, not offering up as a sacrifice to appease her.

With the other GC coming, it might be to make the whole situation less awkward for your MIL.

But if this goes ok & another visit is planned, I#d can it if she won't do it without other GC.

fanoftheinvisibleman Sat 11-May-13 10:41:40

We gave mine too many chances. I feel now like I have to stop them seeing ds to stop them hurting him. They saw him 3 or 4 times over 2 years basically I think to punish us for a decision we had made. Child protection issues were at the root of our decision too but we have still been bullied about it, even though it is a confirmed risk (ie not suspicious behaviour, a person with convictions).They also involved favoured gc on the few visits they did have.

I hope if you do go ahead it works out but I have come to the sad conclusion that some people are just not worthy of a place in your life.

fanoftheinvisibleman Sat 11-May-13 10:46:08

A couple of times a year wouldn't be too bad for some by the way but contact had been weekly so it left a small child hurt, upset and confused. And ultimately, I cannot have anyone around my child who will fight so hard (and dirty, some low blows were struck) to actively place my child at risk.

Holding your hand still though, I knpw how hard this is in reality. It is not an easy thing to do whichever way you go.

NotTreadingGrapes Sat 11-May-13 10:50:42

I will hold your hand. I will also tell you, like Attila, that I think this will not go well.

Don't let them hurt you.

I have a reunion (of sorts) with mine (after 9 years) next Sunday, because it's dd's First Communion. We will go to church together, we will eat in the same restaurant, and they will know that I have not fucking forgiven a thing and I never will. After next Sunday, it's back to normal. Dp will take dd to see them when he can be arsed. FIL is paying for the restaurant and I have already made it clear that whilst we have said OK that doesn't mean I have been bought.

pumpkinsweetie Sat 11-May-13 10:53:38

Thankyou everyone, no i don't think i can cancel as it wouldn't be fair. Just going to see how it pans out.
Dh is one that doesn't see his parents for who they are and has never really admitted how truly awful they are, although deep down i think he knows all to well, but dreams up an idealistic view to save his heartbreak iyswim.

Today is going ahead due to a lot of thinking made by me, but dh was the main reason behind it as i found out he had been going to my mothers and telling her that he was so upset his kids don't see his mum anymore and how he has been hoping for a reuion for a long time.

Unforturtunetly he used to allow their behaviour, which nearly caused us to break-up which is another reason for our nc. Dh still had contact with them but me and dc didn't.

I couldn't bare things to go back the way they were, but having gave in to guilt i just hope history doesn't repeat itself. If today goes wrong, it's going to be another time of tirelessly having to make dh know it won't be happening again, which is never easy as he will sulk for days and he does get quite nasty with words once he gets on their side iyswim.

Oh well fx...:

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 11-May-13 11:09:11

You have not met her yet, it is not too late to back out.

Disregard this feeling of yours of wanting to be fair, MIL has already moved the goalposts here by bringing along a niece relation and she has not even met you yet.

Children now adults, of toxic parents, are bogged down by FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. Your DH is mired in FOG. His idealistic wish for his children to see his toxic mother (he may well be hoping that they won't be harmed as he himself was and hopes against hope that his mother has changed) may cause further emotional harm to your children who have already had more than enough contact with such people. Your role here as is his is to protect them from such toxic influences.

Your H is simply not strong enough emotionally to even begin to try and stand up to such people due to his being emotionally damaged by them from childhood. You therefore have to take a stand. Who is to say also that mad FIL will not eventually see them?.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 11-May-13 11:11:11

Will you provide an update anyway as to how it goes?. I will not say I told you so if this meeting goes badly but certainly leave with your children in two if it does at the first sign of things going wrong.

NotTreadingGrapes Sat 11-May-13 11:13:42

what she said.

pumpkinsweetie Sat 11-May-13 12:23:24

I will let you all know how it goes!

Hissy Sat 11-May-13 13:23:17

I too think it won't go well, but if it doesn't, it won't be your fault.

Even if it goes OK, you can STILL refuse further meetups if you don't want them.

Remember, you are in control here.

I hope it goes well, for your sake, but to be honest, people like your toxic inlaws don't change, and often it's best behaviour for a while, till they slip and push it again.

None of this is your fault lovey, remember this? We're here for you whatever!

MadamFolly Sat 11-May-13 16:36:30

Hope it went ok OP.

pumpkinsweetie Sat 11-May-13 18:10:06

Well it went surprisingly well, fil dropped them off without even coming near my door just as asked.
My niece enjoyed playing with my dc.
Mil seemed ok, didn't have a bad word to say, even bought me flowers and played mobile games with the dc (thats what they wanted to do)
Glad today went well athough like you say i know the good behaviour always comes before the bad as toxics cannot keep it up.
As long as i stay in charge hopefully we can work something out.

diddl Sat 11-May-13 18:19:19

Glad it went OK-hope your husband doesn't get too taken in by it & hurt again further on!-and your children!

forgetmenots Sat 11-May-13 20:15:50

Pumpkin, I've followed your posts on the SH thread as you might remember. Please understand that it will go fine until the next time, you have been completely normal and lovely in trying to be fair but these people don't do fair, or reasonable, and all the while this sends mixed messages to them, to your DH and your DC about what is to be tolerated.

I really and truly wish you nothing but happiness with this,but every time you let them back in, it makes the final cutting of ties (inevitable, I think, from what you've said previously) so, so much harder.

You are in charge, but you've chosen to use that power to be fair to the ILs,which may backfire. Be prepared to completely cut them off, and be prepared that this could be bewildering for your DH given that you've been the one allowing them in (I speak totally from my own experience here and I know better than most how difficult this is).

Good luck pumpkin.

forgetmenots Sat 11-May-13 20:24:06

And I second what Attila is saying, no one will say I told you so if this goes badly, your behaviour is understandable, rational and kind. The problem is that those you're dealing with are dysfunctional and your DH is no help to maintaining boundaries around your DCs as far as his parents are concerned, because he's stuck in FOG.

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