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Need Help to Stay Strong

(10 Posts)
luckymamaoffour Sat 11-May-13 08:59:59

I am a long time reader but first time poster. I have four wonderful kids, but a husband who is, most definately, EA. I know I need to leave him. I know the kids are better off without that for a role model, but it is so hard because I love him so very deeply. When it is good it is fantastic, but when it is bad, it is soul-destroying. I am such a positive person but he is so very negative and it just drains me and I am losing myself. My 11 year old son is getting so angry and aggressive towards my DH because he is so controlling and EA with him too. The saddest part (and the impetus really for me making the move) is that my eldest is 13 and she has started to treat me like a 2nd class citizen just like her DH. She talks to me in the same way, and with the same disdain, that he does and it's scary.

I have no questions really I just need help to stay strong to be able to do this. I am so very scared right now.

something2say Sat 11-May-13 09:45:00

I haven't time to get right into this, but wanted to let you know that for years I have worked to help women leave situations like yours.

One thing I have observed over those years is that, the simple absence of abuse makes a difference all on its own. When he is gone, that alone will improve things. X

Lweji Sat 11-May-13 10:02:39

Ignore the good bits.
They are like traps to keep you with him.

In a good relationship we should be able to still be ok with the worst stuff.

Don't let the good stuff distract you.
I bet the good parts aren't even that good. It's mostly your hope and positivity that make them good.

Madamecastafiore Sat 11-May-13 10:05:38

You need to do this now. If he actually loved you he wouldn't EA you at all.

As your childrens mother you also need to take responsibility for your daughter not thinking this is normal and acceptable because her relationships will be based on this behaviour so she could end up very very lonely and your son needs to be protected.

Meery Sat 11-May-13 10:06:42

Just wanted to send you flowers. Be strong there is a better future out there.

Ahhhcrap Sat 11-May-13 10:13:04

Having spent 10 yrs in an EA I just wanted to wish you the best and stay strong! I've been out of mine for 15 years and looking back I can't believe what I put up with. Soon after I left I realised it was the best decision of my life!!!

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 11-May-13 10:23:45

Your two eldest children are already being profoundly affected by their Dad's emotional abuse of you and by turn them. He is teaching them to do the same as he is doing to you. Your son is angry at you both and your DD is talking to you the same way as her Dad does. The same over time will be done to your youngest children.

You have to break away from this abuse of you all now for their sake as well as yours. Your H is dragging you all down with him.

If you were to examine it more closely you would likely find that the so called "good times" were not that great at all for you and the frequency of same has infact lessened over time.

Is this really what you want to be teaching your children about relationships, these young people are currently being imparted damaging lessons by both of you. This is NOT the legacy you want to leave them because they could well act out the same destructive and abusive patterns in their own adult relationships. Your son in particular won't thank you either if you were to choose to remain with such an individual for your own reasons. He

You write you love this man so very deeply, this man does not love you if he treats you all like this. He does not know the meaning of the word.

Such men do nice/nasty very well but it is all part of the abuse cycle.

Womens Aid can and will help you leave; you need to take the first, often the most hard of steps, to actually get him out of your day to day lives. Make that leap of faith and call them.

luckymamaoffour Sat 11-May-13 21:34:03

Thanks so much everyone. This is just what I need to hear. I live in Australia and it is Mothers Day today and my DD (13) won't speak to me, said she wishes I was dead and that I am thick and an idiot. This is all because I got her little sister a mouse for her birthday and she thinks she is too young for it (she is 5). Of course, the 'thick and idiot' she is picking up from her dad who is treating me like I am mad because I did this. But then he treats everything I do as 'mad'.

It's so true about the nice/nasty thing though because this morning he is all sweetness and light, and got the kids to bring me breakfast in bed, flowers, chocolates and cards for Mothers Day. I am so pathetic because it makes me feel so grateful and loving towards him when he just shows me a bit of care and attention. I really don't know how I have ended up in a relationship like this because my parents have a great, respectful, loving marriage so I have no excuse really.

I have told my DD (13) and DS (11), but not my DD (5) and DD (3) as yet that we are separating. DD (13) is devastated and is saying she wants to go with DH because she 'hates me'. DS thinks it is an awesome idea and he said he is looking forward to getting on better with DH when he doesn't live with him because DH 'won't always be controlling me and being mean to me anymore'. I feel that my DS reaction alone is enough to keep me pushing forward with this separation, but of course my DD reaction is so upsetting. DH is just going on now about how the kids are going to suffer (I know he is trying to guilt-trip me) but, as I said to him, they are already suffering and it can only get better.

pod3030 Sat 11-May-13 21:39:51

Sending stay strong vibes lucky. Leaving was the best thing i ever did for myself and dd. It was like someone had opened a window. I could breath.
The long term positives far outweigh the short term negatives. For both you and your children. flowers

luckymamaoffour Sat 11-May-13 22:30:56

He keeps telling me I won't be able to cope without him. I know it's BS but it still hurts. He seems to think he does so much but he doesn't. Well, not the things that I think matter. He does a lot of cleaning, and then criticises me constantly for what I don't do or the way I do it, and is right on the kids back about everything they do/don't do. But in terms of looking after the kids he's crap. TBH I have to fight fires all the time by resolving so many unnecessary conflicts that he has caused. I am so excited by the prospect of having a more peaceful, relaxed, easy-going household, but at the same time scared about the road ahead.

I want to stay in the house we own, and can afford to on my own. He has agreed to move out but I am scared he is going to drag his heels. He is already saying things like, 'I have to find the right place', 'I'll have to really consider where I am going', stuff that sounds like he is going to really take his time. I want him gone so we don't drag this out for the kids, and for my own sanity. Is that unreasonable? He says it is. I think he should just get somewhere temporary for now, and whilst living there look for somewhere more permanent, that way he can really take his time over getting the 'right' place. What should I do as he is saying if I don't like it then I should go, which would be awful for the kids.

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