Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Does anyone else feel dismayed by what some people will tolerate in their relationships?

(160 Posts)
Ledkr Sat 11-May-13 08:51:29

Thread about many threads but I sometimes worry that I'm just am old battle axe because when I read some if the stuff on here I'm just shocked at what some people put up with.
I can go early say that if dh went on a dating website, called me names, left me short of money or refused to help with his house or children he'd be out if my life.
Not being smug at all I was in a very subdivide relationship and my exh cheated but both times I got rid.
I'm in my forties so am sad to think that some young women are being raised to tolerate this. Shouldn't it be different now that its easier to go it alone?
Such a pity.

BigBlockSingsong Sun 12-May-13 08:10:27

Charbon makes a great point, some people enjoy the drama forgetting children are absorbing their environment like a sponge.

One of my relatives works with CP cases and the mothers often find after leaving/recovery etc is that the children are angry at them for not protecting them as well as the abuser.

The comment about one parent making themselves out as the 'victim' and bring you into it to reinforce how badly done to they are, both of mine do this.its headdoing' I'm quite intolerant now, I just think;

you chose to marry,
you chose to have kids,
you chose to mistreat,
you chose to argue in front of the kids,
you chose to whinge but do nothing about,
you chose to keep/stay
you then chose to are not a victim, the children are victims.

MatureUniStudent Sun 12-May-13 08:48:00

I think the problem of how men think they are entitled to behave to their partners must stem from how they learn to be men. Even if their household is kind, respectful once they mix with other boys at school, they are called weak, geeks etc if the do not make the other boys laugh by being mean or making horrid jokes at the expense of another person. My son plays a sport and each weekend I sit on the sidelines listening to the men. They all parry for the biggest laugh and it is always at another persons expense. Women don't naturally behave in that way, looking to be the top dog by running another person into the ground.

I think this is the fundamental problem, how boys, men interact. My son knows that we respect each other at home, but to "fit in" or at least keep his head under the radar so HE isn't picked on, he (whilst not actively taking part) has to laugh and agree so it isn't him picked on.

If we could break how men act with each other, they may well return back to those sweet and charming children they were before the world got hold of them.

MorrisZapp Sun 12-May-13 09:10:08

Fellatio, great post. I see your point. I think there's a danger on here of 'telling off' younger or apparently weaker women for putting up with crap, because us clever big girls don't do that any more. I for one have put up with plenty in my youth, I'm older now and wouldn't put up with it.

But I don't always like some of the advice on here which can sound as if they are saying 'I've found a wonderful man now, so you're an idiot if you haven't too'. I've probably done it myself tbh but reading it back, sometimes it can come across as smug rather than supportive or helpful.

Ledkr Sun 12-May-13 09:36:02

Thanks for a good response fellatio I do see your point now.
Obviously didn't mean to be smug it was more if a thoughts out loud thing after if read yet another thread.
At risk of over disclosing though I did end up with someone for 18 yrs who was amazing and a great dad. He ended up cheating just after I'd had cancer and our dd was only 8 months so I do know about making a difficult decision to go it alone and it is truly terrifying.
So yes I'm sorry if I came across as smug as I honestly didn't mean to
I guess on mn you get to hear the very extremes of poor treatment and it shocks me.
I think in my two examples it was pretty cut and dry.
I'm in danger-I need to leave.
He's cheated-he needs to bugger off.
The simmering undercurrent of control and entitlement to do what you like regardless of your partners feelings, would be less easy I accept.

Ledkr Sun 12-May-13 09:39:05

Also after my two experiences of men I really am far from smug and expect my lovely dh to fuck up at anytime, which is hard for me and even more for him.
Let's hope its not a self fulfilling prophecy hmm

GiveMeSomeSpace Sun 12-May-13 09:51:30

Fantastic post fellatio

One of the hardest things iswhen that grey area is moving - of that boundary of what is and what is not tolerable moves with the ebb and flow (or maybe just ebb) of a relationship. That perspective is then blurred and sometimes lost so at one extreme one can get get caught up in the petty things and at the other extreme, one can find themselves putting up with horryfing situations.

simplesusan Sun 12-May-13 11:20:01

Some very interesting posts.

I do agree that some (women mainly) are selfish and use their children as an excuse.
I don't want to hurt the kids by leaving my abusive, adulterous, demeaning husband is often really, I am prepared to put up with all this so as to have more money and a good lifestyle. Fuck the fact that it is better to set my children a good example, I want the lifestyle so will whore myself and kids to get it.

In many ways my mil was like this and I have zero respect for her after seeing what it has done to her children.
She was prepared to put up with abuse. She was prepared to let my dh be with a violent, abusive father.
the bottom line was that it was all favourable than being , God forbid, a single mother.
She is so demeaning towards "unmarried mothers," yet her son is a whore who has fathered several children to different mothers, but of course that is different because he is male.

I regularly pull her up when she is citing the usual "It's the woman's vault" shit.

MarianaTrench Sun 12-May-13 13:04:51

Far from being smug about having a healthy relationship after an abusive one, I think most women are trying to say 'you can have better than this, there are good, positive relationships to be had.'

Charbon Sun 12-May-13 13:28:36

I don't think Ledkr was being smug at all, nor do I think posts pointing out that women really don't have to have relationships with men who do little domestic work and make jibes about their weight, are smug either. The worst posts IMO are those from people who are putting up with those behaviours in their relationships and which urge other women to suck it up because they do. Or those that reinforce the cultural default for women to keep families together, regardless of how they are personally treated by their partners.

OhLori Sun 12-May-13 13:47:14

I believe things are currently getting worse in terms of the media and the way women are treated in it, the lack of recognition of the job done by single mothers ... the myth that women need to be in a relationship, should be scared of 'ageing' and of being alone and so on Seashell said.

Interestingly, my mother said to me the other day she thought women were being treated worse now by men (and society?) than anytime she could remember.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now