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Would appreciate some thoughts and opinions please(61 Posts)
Hi there, would love to get a few thoughts and viewpoints about my situation as I feel I'm at a bit of a stalemate and don't know how to progress.
So briefly, we are a couple in our mid to late 50s been together 8 years not married, lived together 6 years. I'm divorced he is widowed 16 years. We both have grown up children and grandchildren, all get on well together. So far so good.
I've become increasingly upset and hurt(irrationally maybe) that we don't really talk about our joint future, finances etc and sad that he doesn't want to marry me or for me to change my name. We have a lovely life together but I want more! He is a typical man in that he can't articulate emotional stuff.
I'm beginning to feel that "I'm not worth it" iykwim, although he regularly tells me he loves me dearly.
Am I being silly to be bothered by the not married bit?
I'd bring it up by saying you want to do the will things and the power of attorney and health stuff for your old age at some point in the near future.
Then I'd say that you're planning to deal with your children only about it - as he is only a boyfriend and doesn't want to make himself more than that.
And yes, I think you should deal with your children about it - these are important decisions, and you can't risk someone not acting in your best interests because they don't fancy a bit of paperwork.
Be firm and make sure he knows he is being cut out. Explain you'd rather have it different, but you're aware of his choice not to marry, and you need to look after yourself under the circs.
Yes I've already mentioned wills next of kin power of attorney etc to him several times, just have to keep saying it again I suppose till he gets the message which will probably be never.
I can predict the response to the sentence about only for my children etc.... It will be "ok"
I know I'm not really be very positive about this relationship at the moment, on the whole as I've said earlier we have a lovely life together. I just feel it's all on the surface and scratch deeper there are problems , but only for me, he's happy.
Scratch deeper - explain pls.
Do you think he's with you for the free housekeeping and the nice house? Or that he's still in love with dead wife?
Are you worried he doesn't love you?
Oh I just mean all the deeper meaning stuff like the wills, ame changing etc.
Don't think it's the free house keeping, he pays his way very fairly, although having said that I am completely open about my income/savings etc but he is quite private about his. Not that he is hiding thousands though I do know we have roughly the same situation.
Re first wife. I'm surrounded daily by her in her children and their lives. She is talked about a lot and they were together from when he was 20 so yes he could still be in love with her. But 16 years on he does tell me frequeńtly that he loves me and loves being with me.
That all sounds good, to be honest. For now, I would prioritise looking after yourself, though - do the wills thing without him.
Corygal, thank you. I will just try harder to concentrate on the positives I have in my relationship. I've read enough threads on here to know that I am having a much better time in my relationship than many others.
I have a different view. My DF was widowed mid 40's and moved in with his GF around 50. They seemed very happy together (she was divorced, no children) but he was not ready to get married. He had 3 children and a decent amount of assets reativel to his GF. He has been in a very happy marriage previously. The second relationship was very happy and he was devoted to GF (she was/is fantastic). He was totally committed to her and spent a lot of his energy doing things for her (practically to help her/her family). I suspect he covered all the day to day finances and her earnings were her own (not huge).
I know it took him a very long time to get over loosing his first love/the mother of his children and in some ways he probably romanticised that relationship. I believe he didn't want to get married mainly for financial reasons as there had been problems with Wills in his family. He made it known to his DC all along that his GF would be provided for in his will (an equal share to each DC). We always said it was completely his own business what he decided to do with his assets. I know his GF would have liked to get married for a long time.
They did eventually get married when he was around 60. I think it was partially due to him feeling the relationship had matured, partially that he became ready but mainly because he felt his DC were more financially/emotionally secure and because he knew it was so important to his now DW.
I believe that he has always loved and been very good to his DW (as she has been to him) but relationships later in life are generally more 'practical' than young/innocent love (I'm very concious on that myself being single with 2 children in my late 30's). I'm sure if his DW had posted on here at any time in the intervening 10 years she would have been advised to leave but I believe her giving him the time has resulted in a very rewarding/happy and secure relationship for her.
I wish you the very best of luck.
Justforfun, what a lovely post, thank you so much.
It was really useful hearing so many different viewpoints. I spent the long weekend trying to discuss exactly how I was feeling again and repeating the idea about changing my name. In his own way he has just about let me know now that he doesn't mind if I change it. However the lack of real interest in me doing the deedpoll thing is worrying as I can't get to the bottom of how he really feels. One most intuitive thoughtful adult son is concerned I'm making too much of a compromise and he isn't.
Still not sure what to do next, but if I think about us not being together at all I feel sick and definitely don't want that to happen.
A bit of a rambling long post sorry, just thinking out loud really.
... And I am still trying hard to concentrate on all the positives
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