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sex after DC (sorry re-post with title!)

(23 Posts)
ClodiaF Fri 10-May-13 11:06:33

DP and I haven't had sex for a year and 5 days, since I was about 4 months pregnant with DS (now 6 1/2 months). When I say no sex I mean he hasn't so much as touched me in any way that could be construed as sexual all that time, though he does show me physical affection in other ways. He said he didn't feel comfortable with the idea of doing it while I was pregnant, which I accepted though sometimes I would have liked to, tbh. Since then we have talked about it only once, just after DS was born, when my understanding was we'd start again when the time was right. Nothing has happened and I'm getting increasingly worried that it hasn't (and frustrated) blush I've dropped hints but he hasn't taken them and I don't know how to try and start a conversation about it. I've pretty much got my pre-baby body back now, though I am still breast feeding - wondering if that has something to do with it? I just feel he doesn't fancy me any more and a bit down at the loss of this side of our relationship. Did anyone else go this long after DCs? Did it recover? What did you do?

Purringkittenmama Fri 10-May-13 11:39:59

Poor you. Sounds like you need to take the bull by the horns and talk to him. Hope you sort things out.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-May-13 12:01:23

I think, if hints aren't working, you need a proper grown-up conversation along the lines of 'what happened to us, we used to enjoy sex, how do we get back to that because I miss it...' No point just waiting and hoping.

I'm worried that you talk about your pre-baby body because that suggests you think he'd be turned off by a few bumps and lumps. If he was thinking that way it would make him very shallow. Don't let his rejection damage your self-esteem

differentnameforthis Fri 10-May-13 13:30:34

Have you instigated anything? If so, what was his reaction?

WorkingtoohardMama Fri 10-May-13 13:34:16

My dh suffered from postnatal depression after our ds was born, it's not as common in men, but does happen and it will affect his attitude to sex. Is sex the only issue?

ClodiaF Fri 10-May-13 16:54:04

I put out feelers, differentnameforthis, but he sort of ignored me. It doesn't work so well for us when I instigate things, tbh, so I've always tended rather to encourage him into making the first move. Maybe I'm being too subtle now but it used to work...
DP is also having to work quite hard at the moment which may be a contributing factor, I'm not sure. I don't think he's depressed, though.
Thanks for all the messages so far.

namechangedatm Fri 10-May-13 17:12:52

Sorry but take it from me he sounds like he went off you when you were pregnant and is probably getting sex elsewhere. Trust me on this, I work as an escort and get numerous guys with pregnant partners, seeing me because she's gone off/can't have sex or he doesn't find her attractive anymore.

I'd have a sniff about for signs of cheating if I were you, I wouldn't snoop though as that could make it worse. It's odd for a man to suddenly go off sex and given the time it's happened (pregnant, just had kids etc) I'd put money on it he's getting his kicks elsewhere for some reason.

namechangedatm Fri 10-May-13 17:14:43

Sorry if that sounded harsh it wasn't meant too xxx

killerrobot Fri 10-May-13 17:15:56

I think you should get back under your bridge namechanged.

namechangedatm Fri 10-May-13 17:17:20

Huh? I'm trying to give advice that her oh might be cheating. I have as much right to reply as you do. Do one.

killerrobot Fri 10-May-13 17:24:43

I've reported you namechanged.

Lots of couples stop having sex after a baby, it doesn't mean there's cheating going on. There might be, there might not.

Any man who pays you for sex is, by definition, a bit of a lowlife. What you said to the OP was harsh, you acknowledged that yourself. Accept that because you are a prostitute you see the worst side of human nature and you are projecting if you think that everyone is like that.

Florin Fri 10-May-13 17:27:09

You have probably both just got out of the habit of it. Firstly ignore namechanged
Have a grown up chat about it, maybe cook a nice meal, glass of wine music all the old classics. The other thing I do which is really old fashioned is before my dh gets home is I often change my top so I don't have snot on my shoulder etc. I put some make up on, spray some perfume and brush my hair. It is not really about doing it for him for me it symbolises the change from me being Mummy to being his wife and ready for adult conversation etc. it makes me feel refreshed and more awake I feel so much better.
I find the more you do it the more you want it so hopefully once you get going it will happen more and more

mrspaddy Fri 10-May-13 17:29:19

Hello.. ah I wouldn't worry but just talk to him.. I think men get very protective when they see the bump. I don't think it is going off you.. but seeing you in a mother role. Please, please talk to him. Worrying won't do you any good. If he doesn't talk I honestly don't know what to advise. Talk when you know he can't just walk away or change the subject.. best of luck.

Purringkittenmama Fri 10-May-13 17:30:49

Maybe he's feeling overwhelmed. Although it obviously affects both partners, having DC is a huge change- and maybe the responsibility etc. is making him feel under pressure. (OK, so you're also having to cope with the change, but we all deal with things in different ways). If everything else is normal, and good, I personally wouldn't assume he's having an affair. When I had DS, although thankfully relationship didn't suffer, I know DH was seriously stressed because of new responsibilities- and 12 years later all good. Good luck.

mrspaddy Fri 10-May-13 17:34:05

Ah Florin.. you remind me of those 1950's recipe books where they recommend the red lippy and pinny off before hubby arrives in the introduction... I am joking though!! I think it is nice to freshen up .. I do this too. A bit of old fashioned stuff never goes too far wrong. as she takes out the tray of scones out of the oven

Fairypants Fri 10-May-13 17:51:37

I know DH felt weird about my body during first pg and bf and really struggled as he felt I belonged to dd. It took a while and some changes re: dd sleeping in seperate room and finding time to look and speak like I wasn't completely consumed by dd. I did have to have an awkward sit down to find out what was causing the problem but it was worth the embarrassing conversation.

peacefuleasyfeeling Fri 10-May-13 18:29:34

DP and I have gone through loooong periods with no sex (not just PIV, but complete droughts), both before DD was born and during my pregnancies (currently expecting DC2; no sex since conception in October, which IS a bit long). We had a very satisfying and busy sexlife when we first got together, and I wonder if this has given us the confidence not to worry when we go off the boil a bit; we know we can "do it" for each other, and we do when the feeling moves us. We do cuddle a lot and are very tactile, whether we're in a fallow period or one of sexual abundance grin. I certainly wouldn't draw the conclusion that your DP is playing away, sometimes the energy just isn't there and it doesn't mean you are losing your connection. Then you can enjoy what may arise in its place; perhaps a different level of non-sexual intimacy, honesty and relaxation? But you need to talk about it. Good luck!

namechangedatm Fri 10-May-13 19:05:57

Reporting me for suggesting her oh might be cheating? You acknowledged yourself its a possibility! Or maybe you just don't like my profession so report me for that?

How ridiculous, my job actually makes me knowledgeable about things like this which is why I suggested she rule out him cheating. For christ sake! Anyway I'm off from this thread, bye!

blueshoes Fri 10-May-13 19:47:36

Escorts are entitled to voice their opinions, absolutely. What namechanged suggested is not beyond the pale nor beyond the realm of possibility.

killerrobot Fri 10-May-13 20:38:06

blueshoes I agree with both your points but that post was very blunt and very emphatic that cheating was the probable reason.

It strikes me that the OP is feeling a bit vulnerable and I know that when I was in her position (new baby and no sex life) I would have found it quite upsetting to be told by a prostitute that her stock-in-trade was selling sex to men whose wives were pregnant or had new babies. At first I just thought it was a troll post.

namechanged it's not a question of liking or not liking your job. There will always be prostitutes and always have been, I have no opinion about it really. It is not a profession though, it is a job.

blueshoes Fri 10-May-13 20:58:40

Sorry killer, whilst I agree with some parts of your post re: vulnerability of the OP, your choice of words and turn of phrase betray what you really think of namechange's profession.

killerrobot Fri 10-May-13 21:18:49

No,that's not true blueshoes. I've got a pretty dim view of women who have sex with men whose wives are pregnant. If namechanged were not a prostitute she would be crucified on these boards for boasting about having sex with married men. The fact that she does it for money doesn't make it OK.

blueshoes Fri 10-May-13 21:23:15

I was exactly right, then killer. Well even women, prostitutes or not, who sleep with married men whose wives are pregnant have views, and some times correct ones as well, even if it is not what you want to hear.

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