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DP doesnt want me at his party.

(129 Posts)
NaggingGirlfriend Fri 10-May-13 10:33:56

I've name changed, although I've written one other post under this name.

I've been with dp for 2 and a half years. I have a 9 month old with him.

Hes just got a new job and his birthday is also coming up. He mentioned that his workmates are planning a night out to celebrate. I've not met any of his friends at all. I found out I was pregnant on the first day of his job and haven't had a chance to go out for drinks and meet everyone. I feel like I'd be ok about getting my parents to babysit so I can go out for the first time in about 2 years.

When I said I was looking forward to meeting everyone he looked at me funny and made excuses about how I shouldn't be there because I cant drink because I'm still breastfeeding. I explained that I would express enough to last and it wouldn't be a problem. After a few other excuses he told me he didn't want me there because I'm 'too sensible' and people would find it weird and he cant relax around me because I'm boring and ruin fun and apparently tell him off all the time.

I'm really, really upset about it but he's not said sorry, he was quite happy to leave the conversation there. When I told him that made me feel like crap he said 'see, this is why I don't want you there, all you do is argue'

I'm utterly confused as he has mentioned in the past that our problems are down to me not having a life of my own and that I don't make an effort to meet people. But now I have a chance, he wont let me. I've been having a lot of confidence issues recently, I've never had such low confidence in my life. This hasn't helped matters.

Am I right to be feeling as upset as I do or am I being over sensitive?

SimLondon Wed 05-Jun-13 23:35:26

Hugs NG, it sounds like this guy is a controlling type - smoking weed in the same house as a baby isnt good to begin with but if its heavy weed smoking then that can cause paranoia.

I to think you should call women's aid, get some support from them -

your not a loser, we all make bad choices particularly when we are young but things change and get better :-)

Please have a chat if nothing else with womens aid the number is 0808 2000 247 email is

Walkacrossthesand Wed 05-Jun-13 19:26:39

No need to be scared of being on your own, IDB - as other posters have said, you have been doing all that's required to run your and DDs life perfectly capably with no meaningful help - just keep doing what you're doing, plus the tax credits/benefits help you can claim , and remember - the life you build is great, and you only allow someone who enhances it to come and join you! You're not easy prey for a predatory male....

MadBusLady Wed 05-Jun-13 19:06:44

Hello IDB, I've just read your whole thread. I'm so sorry you've been entangled with this twat and really glad to read he's going! You WILL cope fine on your own. Your DS will probably absorb your time at first anyway, but for the first time you won't be cooking/cleaning/running after a man who's horrible to you.

Also, get yourself to the GUM clinic and get checked for STDs, love. It's very likely he has had sex with these women, he will only ever admit to as little as he can get away with.

I suppose you have to go to your parents house to make arrangements away from him, but from what you said about them before they sound nuts unhelpful. I would avoid taking them fully into your confidence and take anything they say with a pinch of salt. It seems likely your mum will find some way to disapprove of you for the relationship breaking down. She's bonkers and wrong, ignore her. Have you got any old trusted friends you could call to get you through this? This does qualify as an emergency, please reach out to anyone you trust.

YoniBottsBumgina Wed 05-Jun-13 17:18:54

Oh OP I'm sorry to hear that sad

You will be fine, you really will. It will take time to get used to "a new normal" but being on your own can really be great and a positive thing.

comingintomyown Wed 05-Jun-13 17:17:20

What did your Mum have to say about his weed habit ?

You will be fine on your own OP , it will be hard for a while but each step takes you closer to a peaceful happier life. In due course you may meet someone , you are sooooo young ! In the meantime think of the earlier advice to consciously remain single and sort yourself out , be happy yourself dont look to a man to make you happy it doesnt work

specialsubject Wed 05-Jun-13 13:26:59

and I've just seen it gets worse! Leave him before he gives you an STD, some of which are not curable.

you can be on your own. You are an adult. He's of negative use.

good luck.

specialsubject Wed 05-Jun-13 13:25:49

loser alert. BTW you can go out and meet people without alcohol, that's a rubbish excuse.

but from the drip feed it is clear that you are on a hiding to nothing. LTB. You are wasting your life.

ladyjadie Wed 05-Jun-13 13:19:52

Glad you came back, and I'm sorry your ex has continued to be a twat. It's just the worst when you are genuinely upset over something for a valid reason (and with his behaviour it definitely is valid to be) and they act like they've done nothing wrong. Hugs and strength to you.

IDeserveBetter Wed 05-Jun-13 12:17:00


Sorry its taken me a while to come back here.

What happened since is that he did come back. I waited all day for him to get out of bed and talk to me about his decisions. He had nothing, although he said he wanted to change and he would. I thought at least it will give me some time to get money together and figure out how to leave.

He of course was on weed and things seemed ok for the next few days after that until he ran out and he was back to being a nasty bastard.

Fast forward to last night and I found out that hes been visiting causal encounter sites to have sex with local women. He said he was just curious and that he didn't join (I checked his email in forgotten password sections of the sites and nothing came up, he could have used a secret email ad though) I'm obviously furious and upset. He said I'm overreacting and jumping to conclusions. Hes not at all sorry, he once again just said 'Im sorry that you have taken it that way'

I found out through the benefit adviser that I could possibly afford to stay in this house which Im really glad about. I'm going back to my parents house today to get away from him and make all the necessary arrangements. Hes agreed to move out before I get back.

I'm really scared of being on my own. This will be the first time I've not been with anyone since I was 13. I'm worried I wont be able to cope with dd on my own.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 17-May-13 09:29:37

Wondering how you are today OP.

Rockinhippy Fri 17-May-13 01:40:53

I've not followed the whole thread, but you've already had lots of great advice & you most certainly

DO deserve better, better from him AND your Motherhmm I'm not surprised you have ended up in abusive relationships it is what your foundations are based on, so tanks to your parents, its what you feel safe with- you feel safe blaming yourself when you are not to blame at all - here's where all that stops, that power is in YOUR hands - you can do it & life does get better once YOU take control & stop listening to their bullshit

You AND your DD deserve better, don't let her grow up seeing the beaten down abused you as her role model for her grown up self & future relationships - give her something better than that - you CAN do that for her & you flowers

springymater Fri 17-May-13 00:57:53

I think that's being rather kind to say she is talking out of the 1950s. it sounds to me that she picked on you and pulled you down when you were vulnerable.

Is it any wonder you have so far had 2 abusive relationships? sad

My guess is that your P has done a flit for a few days to teach you that you shouldn't give him a hard time. I'm wondering if you find it hard to be by yourself (with your dd)? Perhaps someone somewhere (guess who...) has convinced you you're crap and unable to do anything yourself. But what I see is a woman who is bringing up a child, runs every aspect of a home, endures a waste of space feckless and abusive partner and runs her own business. Sounds pretty spectacular if you ask me.

You do know that you don't have to be hit to be a victim of domestic abuse, yes? I was never hit - he was too clever for that - but I was the same blob you are now by the time I crawled out of that marriage. I thought I was a fraud because I had never been hit; but when I finally met other women who were survivors of domestic abuse and had been hit, they all said they'd be hit any day than the torture of emotional abuse and neglect. So there you have it. Hopefully you'll hear soon from WA, who will reassure you and support you moving forward.

Just out of interest: what sort of life do you have anyway if he smokes all the money away? he is more than useless. Please don't listen to any 'lists' he may produce about how awful you are - PLEASE don't listen, or let him get started on a 'list'.

oh, and he 'saved' you from your abusive relationship? Recognised that someone else had done the work of grinding you down, more like.

You deserve better my darling xx

garlicgrump Fri 17-May-13 00:47:21

Your mother's an arse! The odds are, she undermined your confidence making you an easy target for Abuser No.1 and Second Abuser, who is now showing his stripes. This isn't your fault but you can break out of it - and you have a lovely DD, which is a great reason to sort out a more confident, loser-free life.

My husband acted like he didn't want to know me at our wedding reception. Does that sound bad to you? Yours is just as bad.

Mimishimi Fri 17-May-13 00:40:06

That was meant to be shock

Mimishimi Fri 17-May-13 00:39:30

I don't think I could stay with someone who admitted to seeing me like that. I'm sorry .... it's one thing to say it's really only a work do, quite another to say you're a boring nag who would ruin his fun [sock]

SquinkiesRule Fri 17-May-13 00:34:39

Your Mom was giving advice from the 50's. Total bollocks.
Did she also suggest you spruce yourself up and hand him his slippers, pipe and a whiskey when he comes in from work, and make sure Dd is clean and happy to greet her father, then leave, because kids should be seen but not heard?

Thumbwitch Fri 17-May-13 00:31:06

Your mother is stuck in the repressed-woman timewarp of the oft-mentioned 1950s. Tell her to stick her antiquated notions up her arse, quite frankly.

BOLLOCKS to the idea that a few crumbs on the table etc. validate his arse-like behaviour. And BOLLOCKS to the idea of you doing the "surrendered wifey" shit.

Don't go back there while she's that unsupportive - I bet she thinks that "any man is better than no man" as well, doesn't she. Daft.

MoominsYonisAreScary Thu 16-May-13 23:49:21

Your mother is totally nuts

LadyClariceCannockMonty Thu 16-May-13 22:56:24

Your mother's talking bollocks.

Listen to MN instead. grin

YoniBottsBumgina Thu 16-May-13 22:03:52

Your mother is wrong, wrong, wrong BTW. And you know this - you knew it earlier in the thread when you recalled that going to your parent's is ALWAYS a stressful experience which negatively affects your self esteem. Please be kind to yourself. If the relationship ends this is not a failure. You are not personally responsible for its success and you never were it will be. Ending this could just be the best damn thing you ever do, not a failure, far from it.

YoniBottsBumgina Thu 16-May-13 21:54:46

I'm sorry OP, I must have confused you with another poster or something blush I don't know why I thought you were a student. In fact though it makes things easier because if you have a straightforward situation (working between 16 and 29 hours per week, or not working at all, and not needing childcare for any other reason) the benefits you can claim are adequate to support a basic standard of living with enough wiggle room that you don't go completely crazy. And please don't feel guilty if you end up claiming benefits for a while. That is whattthe system is there for - so that you don't have to be stuck in a situation which is becoming intolerable.

AnyFucker Thu 16-May-13 19:45:30

Do you want to end up like your mother ?

Find your backbone. You have one, we all do

AndMiffyWentToSleep Thu 16-May-13 19:37:00

Sounds like she is advocating being a surrendered wife. Bonkers, in my opinion.
Hope the talk goes ok tonight.

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 16-May-13 19:23:26

I also shouldn't tell him if he's done something to upset me as he shouldn't have to hear me criticizing him. Put up and shut up, then. How sad.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 16-May-13 19:02:10

Ouch that was what I wondered about, just how supportive your parents might be.

It's not a blame game, trying to figure out what's going wrong, and in any case this from your mother is one of those did-she-really-just-say-that-and-mean-it moments:
I also shouldn't tell him if he's done something to upset me as he shouldn't have to hear me criticizing him.

I'm surprised she didn't follow that up by "You made your bed now lie in it" or even "I don't know how he puts up with you" hmm.

See what he says, has he anything fresh to add, or will it be a repeat of the other day.

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