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My EA suspected narc punched me!(33 Posts)
I don't know if I'm here asking for advice or offloading. Please forgive me rambling.
I am trying to figure out what to do next. I'm going to post this then tell the story. I'm just checking my NC has worked first. I'm not a prolific poster and tend to read rather than post in Rellies.
My mother gets drunk and has episodes.
I've always had a difficult relationship with her and especially over the last 5 or so years I struggle to enjoy her company, drunk or sober. She wants me to be close to her. Her friends of similar age are close to their daughters, go shopping, chat on the phone every day. I just can't. She's abusive to me when drunk, even when not that drunk. If she can't get to me she has a go with DH. Afterwards she's very apologetic and expects us to get over it and carry on as normal.
Anyway, she had a few wines with dinner last week at my house. I have a DH and 2 primary age kids. After dinner she started to leave to drive home. DH said you better stop her. So I invited her to stay. I don't enjoy her company but didn't want her drunk driving.
It was a busy evening because we were going on a short holiday the next day. DH, the kids and I, flights the following lunchtime. I still have the bulk of the packing to do and DH wanted a haircut.
I cut his hair and DH and I bickered the whole time I was cutting while my mother was sitting there. To give you an idea DH and I have a long time between us joke where we bicker but there's no intent or malice in it, we're not even annoyed at each other. It is a form of humour between us. We both understand even if outsiders don't. He was maybe saying something like remember and cut off all the greys, and I would say, but not laughing, time for Grecian 2000 you old git and he'd retort anymore of your cheek and I'll take my business elsewhere (I've been cutting his hair since we got together and other than pregnancy traditionally do it while under the influence...again a running joke). I'll get back to my story I'm sure you get the picture.
Mother witnessing DH and I, said to me after DH was off to get the hoover post-haircut, "I couldn't stand being married". I said "Really? You spend enough time looking for a man". Normally I don't bite, but she of the 2 divorces has no business commenting on my happy marriage. She spends most weekends in nightclubs that are over-35s and have a reputation for being meat-markets. Over the years since she split with her exH (not my dad) she has had a good number of weird and wonderful boyfriends. After the first few I lost interest. I'm not against her finding a man, oh no, but not interested in hearing the minute detail of every relationship she has with a frog on the way.
Anyway this ignited her.
She said and I'll list
- I don't know why you even like your dad, he wanted to abort you when I was pregnant. I'm in my forties. My parents became parents in their teens. I'm sure abortion was discussed at the time, bound to have been, but I can't get excited about that.
- I could snap my fingers and get your dad back, he adores me. This isn't true, my dad is in a happy relationship. And more to the point if she could do that she'd have snapped her magic fingers by now as she is desperate for a man in her life.
-X (close friend of mine and my mother's who had a lovely daughter Y who commited suicide, she had mental illness for 12 years beforehand) thinks you are just like Y. Mother said this very nastily as if I have mental illness.
-You are fat and ugly. Slightly overweight (and working on it) and reasonably attractive and a good 8 or 9 when I was in my 20s (even if I say so myself). DH and the kids think I'm beautiful, they're biased, but that's all that matters to me!
finally: Why do you not get on with me?
I bit again and told her she got pissed and has a pop at DH. She told him his mother and father didn't love him. At the time his dad was terminally ill and TBH I've never met a father and son closer. I loved his dad too and don't know anyone who ever met him that thought differently. His mother has been gone for years.
She also told my DH that he made my brother suicidal. My brother is not suicidal, not even depressed. He and my DH are close buddies.
The last two paragraphs are from 2 episodes before last weeks.
She said to me "you're lying, you need help". Then she disappeared to the livingroom to start screaming at my DH that I made everything up. Despite these being things she said to him.
I told her to leave and phoned her a taxi. I was sitting down to phone her a cab. DH was in another room. Mother, stood over me, made a fist and punched me hard on the temple. I'd phoned her a taxi by that time and then told her to leave straight away. I think my words were "just fuck off".
The following morning she came to my door at 8.30 and begged by text for me to let her in. I said "go away". She carried on banging on the door for a wee while and texting she just wanted to give me a hug.
I got my kids ready, finished packing and we went to the airport. I texted both my brothers saying briefly what had happened and that I wasn't doing it any more.
Went abroad, where my phone didn't work
The side of my face was black and blue.
Had a great holiday. I came back to 2 envelopes one for my attention and one for DH. I took them both upstairs and opened them before DH saw them (he now knows of the existence of them but isn't interested in reading them). I only skim read them but she was apologising, yet again and promising never to drink again and so on. DH's was sent to him with a copy of the letter to me and also a bit about how she knew how he felt losing his parents as she's lost hers.
To let you know she had her last outburst the night before DH's father's funeral. In the family home. She said that DH would probably leave me now as people reassess their lives after a death. I didn't bite that night because honestly with losing DFIL I didn't have the energy.
I'll get to my point. My kids love her. As much as I'd love to cut her off, my kids will go nuts.
She came round yesterday for my youngest's birthday, first time I'd seen her since the punch. I had DH say to her beforehand no hugs with me or trying to get me onside, as it was all about my little one's birthday. My DDad, her first husband, was there too. I've told my dad the story and he's livid.
Then she popped round this evening. She was here when I got home from work.
DH asked her yesterday not to mention sleepovers to the kids. They regularly stay over with her. He wasn't in. First thing she asked was did they want a sleepover tomorrow night. I said no we had plans.
My DD's proper (family) birthday party is this Saturday. It turns out that a good few people can't make it. I need space from my mother but she's expecting to come. I think it is going to be us, her, the family we were on holiday with (ie close friends) who know all about the punch and possibly my aunt and uncle.
I don't want a feud, but really need her out of my life for a bit. I just don't know what to do next. My kids love their gran, I just can't stand her though.
This is the longest post I've ever posted. My lappy is running out of battery. Thanks for reading if you've got this far.
Thanks Notsuch, I'm fine bruise has faded to a light yellow though I'm aware all the time of my temple, even though it is the slightest ache.
Posting on my phone no as Lappy battery is dead.
She'll do it again NMSA. For your mental and physical health I think you've got to create some distance, starting now.
If she drinks and is violent when drunk, she's not the ideal gran, even if your kids love her. So even if they're upset, I think you have to be in charge here: make the birthday treat about DD, and sadly granny won't be coming this time. Nor will granny be coming for the foreseeable future.
At least while you decide what to do.
You have to take charge in a case of assault. Your children's wishes don't come first this time: yours do, while you figure out what you need to do.
Just my view... and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.
Kotinka she says she's never drinking again
I'll believe that when I see it
DH has said no sleepovers indefinitely. So I can blame him if she badgers me.
I'll never let her drink in my home again.
I'm going to bed now. Thanks for your replies.
Narc I agree that you need to be the parent and decide what is best for your family.
Also, do you think that maybe the kids are keen because Granny's mean and they are doing what keeps her happy? Sometimes little kids act as though an abuser is the greatest because they are smart enough to know that's the only way to stay safe. Just sayin'...
She is good with my kids but she will try and fill their heads with rubbish if I let her take them. I've no doubt about that. In any case DH doesn't want them going to her overnight.
I'm going to uninvite her for tomorrow.
I'd say that after her recent outburst neither of you want her there, so she doesn't try to turn it into something to use as a wedge in your marriage, given all the bad things she was trying to stir up between you... She sounds like the sort of person to put a bad spin on it and twist it to suit her twisted needs so at least this showsthe two of you are united!
Good luck and hope the party on Saturday goes well!
How old are your children? I only ask because of the level of explanation you give them.
But any adult that punched me wouldn't be allowed within a mile of my children.
They're 8 and 5, Nanny. When we got back from hols my 8 YO asked to call her which I allowed. Mother told DD she'd been in bed all weekend crying and could she ask mummy if she could come over to give her a hug.
I was mad, DH was fuming and my distraught DD took about an hour to calm down. We, of course, hadn't mentioned a thing to her.
I asked her not to come tomorrow, by text, and she replied that she understood.
She told your DD that?
Dangerous, manipulative woman. Cut her off and weather the storm with your children.
Anyone who punched me or any member of my family would not be allowed near any of us ever again. The End.
After what she said to your DD would be the end for me. She now making your dd feel guilty about her nanny is feeling.
Yes your dc will be upset by not seeing/speaking to her but they are old enough for you to explain why it is happening.
Your children may adore her but... Your mother is already involving them
in her games. It is your responsibility to keep your children away from such behaviour.
I would cut her out but if you feel that you can't, I would put in two conditions:
1. She only ever sees the children when you or your husband are present the while time. I wouldn't even trust her if you had to pop to the loo.
2. No phone calls unless you can listen in
She has given you no choice. You have to hear what she is saying to your children and how she is saying it.
DH has said no sleepovers and I agree. When I collected the girls today from school they asked if they could go for a sleepover. TBF they are round there most weekends for one of the nights so they're going to ask. I just said their granny was going out tonight.
My mother has always had these episodes with me, first one when I was 17, after which she didn't speak to me for approx 18 months. This is the first time she's struck me other than smacked arses when I was a kid.
They happen when I dare have a difference of opinion from her. This happens often (think of your typical DM reader). She has no problem being critical towards me, my marriage, my home, my size whatever it may be, my job, undermining me when disciplining the children, trying to flirt with my DH
much to his disgust, she once asked him if he liked older women...I'm younger than him, flirting with my uncle...I caught her trying to snog him once when my auntie was out of the room, he's her ex BIL, flirting with friends of my DH/my brother...in fact any breathing male isn't safe. All that flirting stuff is cringeworthy. I know that she's had sex with some of my brother's friends. She's always totally in love with whatever bloke it is, they're the best thing ever, every time, and tries to get us to meet the longer term ones etc. but we refuse. There is no point as they never last long (couple of months max) then they're the biggest asshole that lived (lucky escapee if you ask me). While I think my mother is entitled to a love life, everyone is, I don't want to hear about it, nor does most of the family.
DH parents were normal loving folks and he's lost his dad in the last few weeks, so he's not 100% for cutting her off. I'm getting the impression he's thinking I should be grateful I even have folks...though he mostly can't stand being in the same room as her.
My life would be much easier if I cut her off but the extended family do so much together it is not possible. I just need to create distance. I've spoken to one of my brothers about this, my other brother is abroad and I won't speak to him until tomorrow but he's had a text, my father, who my mother phoned straight after I chucked her out then again in the morning when I wouldn't let her back in and my aunt. She told my aunt she slapped me, which isn't true, it was a closed fist punch. I imagine she said the same to my dad. My dad lost the plot when I told him about the phonecall with DD when we came back from hols. We all played nice on DD2's birthday though.
I'm rambling again.
Tbh, I'd tell your daughters. Explain that the bruise on your face happened because Granny hit you, and therefore they'll only be seeing Granny in their own home with Mummy or Daddy present, "for a while". They are big enough to start learning that you have to be careful around Granny.
You need to protect your girls. They love her right now, but the eldest in particular is getting old enough to have a difference of opinion with her. And then she'll treat your precious daughter the way she treats her own precious daughter.
And then cut the visits rights down - less of them, shorter duration, only when you and dh are both there, only if she isn't drinking, and send her out the door at the first sign of bad behaviour.
Tell your mum that when she's joined AA and been alcohol-free for a year, you'll maybe rethink the sleepovers. That way you have something very specific to keep saying whenever she whines that she loves you and will never drink again.
Just read the bit about the phonecall to your dd. You need to forewarn and arm your dd against this kind of thing. She is totally big enough to understand that some adults lie to get their own way. You are not doing your dds any favours to let them think Granny is lovely.
My life would be much easier if I cut her off but the extended family do so much together - could you perhaps only see her at family gatherings then? Not do a big thing about cutting her off, just say "we're don't want to see you at the moment" and disengage?
Although, if you told extended family that your mother punched you and lied to your daughters, and therefore you were never going to enter the same house as her ever again - how many would accommodate that? Would they all cut you off? Or might they quite like some family gatherings without her?
Kotinka - yeah but it would give you a year, wouldn't it. And it would be obvious at some point during that time if she was still drinking.
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