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Starting all over again & sex

(18 Posts)
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Thu 09-May-13 22:13:15

Okay, this has been brewing on my mind for days. I have a long running thread but thought I'd post here aswell.

After being abandoned splitting with my EA ex last year whilst pregnant, I've now almost rebuilt my life and now DD is 8 months I've met someone and started dating and yes we have DTD.
My problem is me and ex never had sex, I was always rejected. So I gave up.
Whilst og with DD I got into a bit of a Facebook spat with OW, I know I know- I am above that now. Turns out she has previously been with another guy I'd been with apart from ex.
However ex had given her a complete run down of my sexual history and how shit I was in bed etc. this really hurt but upon calling his bluff it turns out he had told her this, and meant it but didn't know why.
I've been with a fair few people in my late teens but now I'm 24 and a different person.
I like new guy but I'm so terrified my shitness in bed is going to put him off and I will be ridiculed again.
I am not sure why I'm writing this I need to get it out. I can't have been that bad with new guy as he wants to see me again, but he could be saying that just thinking I might have been nervous.
I'm a firm believer in sex isn't a major part of a relationship too.
This feels like such a ridiculous post but I have no one in RL to speak to as I'm so hurt and embarrassed.

BendyBusBuggy Thu 09-May-13 22:18:58

Hm, it's a two-way street. If you find the right DP (and he's a bit patient) you'll start enjoying it and you'll be great! You're only 24, give yourself time.

Concentrateonthegood Thu 09-May-13 22:20:39

Oh make it, you're not shit. You just haven't had a loving physical relationship to develop yourself, is my guess. Give yourself sometime to build your confidence and remember, you are a goddess. Your new man is lucky to have you! Good luck.... (Ps, I talk from experience after feeling as you do!)

FreddieMisaGREATshag Thu 09-May-13 22:20:56

I was apparently shit in bed. According to my xH.

I've had no complaints since.

He's just being a prick and bitching behind your back. I wouldn't take any notice

Cabrinha Thu 09-May-13 22:25:53

You poor thing - what an arsehole to say that!
Don't fall into a trap of thinking to be "good in bed" you have to do this, that or the other.
Sex is so much in the mind. Most partners will be turned on by you being turned on. Just kissing someone you fancy is one of the most erotic feelings there is! Remember first boyfriends, when we knew nothing?! And how a kiss was just amazing?! Don't worry if it wasn't like that for you, it can be! You don't have to have tricks and techniques. You just have to relax and only do what you want to, and be yourself.
You could read a book if you like, but at first - just see what happens naturally between you. Don't "perform" - he already likes you. Good luck, and enjoy!

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Thu 09-May-13 22:26:54

I suppose it's just I'd never thought I was rubbish, quiet and maybe timid yes but not unwilling or anything like that.
It was just such a huge betrayal to do that.
Still why stay with me for so long...
I just don't know whether to mention it to NG, I think he would understand. He wanted to wait, but I just wanted to do it and that be that.

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Fri 10-May-13 07:41:44

Such a horrible feeling confused

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-May-13 07:46:31

Newsflash... if someone tells you you're 'shit in bed', if it feels wrong, if you keep being rejected, if it's unsatisfying.... what it actually means is that you are with the wrong partner. Properly good sex means being relaxed enough to be uninhibited and that requires a lot of trust and affection rather than sheer lust. So try out a few replacements and don't settle for anyone 'ho-hum'... be fussy. smile

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Fri 10-May-13 07:54:30

Thanks Cognito smile

cinnamonsugar Fri 10-May-13 08:03:08

I agree with cogito about being with the wrong person.

I always think people bitching about their ex being shit in bed after a long relationships sound like idiots. It must've been very hurtful to hear that, but by the sounds of it, it was just as shit for you so he's making himself sound like pretty stupid.

Take your time with new guy and communicate and have fun. I feel really sad to hear someone of only 24 saying I'm a firm believer in sex isn't a major part of a relationship too.

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Fri 10-May-13 08:21:34

It's not that I don't enjoy it I just think other aspects of being with someone are more important. Honesty, conversation, trust, things such as smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-May-13 08:41:09

My guess is that you think the other aspects are more important principally because of your previous experience. smile Honest, conversation and trust are things you can have with a best friend rather than being exclusive to your partner. A good sex-life - and you'll know it when it happens - is something very special and very personal.

Lucylloyd13 Fri 10-May-13 08:47:35

Like others , I beklieve the quality of sex we have has much more to do with who we are making love with rather than previous knowledge and expertise.

The importance we place on sex in a relationship can sometimes reflect the quality of sexual experience we have enjoyed. With the right man, you will be hot to trot!

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Fri 10-May-13 09:03:42

Thank you all smile

cinnamonsugar Fri 10-May-13 09:46:11

It's not that I don't enjoy it I just think other aspects of being with someone are more important.
Hmm. It's one thing to say 'I don't think it's the most important aspect' and another to say 'I don't think it's an important aspect' - which is more or less what you did say. I agree with cogito again. It's important that you and any partner place the same relative importance on sex, whatever that view is. If one person thinks it's of vital importance in a relationship and the other person doesn't, then there will always be problems. Good luck with new man smile

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Fri 10-May-13 09:52:28

Your all so kind. I really really hadnt thought of it the way that you wise people are.
I guess I'm looking at it in a way in which we are believed men think now as young women.
All based on looks and performance rather than the connection.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-May-13 10:09:20

I'm sure some men/women base their opinions about sex on looks and performance... but they'd be pretty shallow and immature people. smile

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Fri 10-May-13 12:29:17

That's very true!

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