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right, i dint know if i want to ltb or not... i think i probably do.(22 Posts)
So, I've been with dh for 2 years, we have dd (7mo) together, I'm 17 wks pg and I have a dd from a previous relationship.
Me and h got married in December last year, I didn't want to tbh, I wasn't happy with our situation, wanted things to change but he went and told everyone in my family, my best friend and pretty much rail roaded me into it. I had just 5 weeks to put together the wedding, all the while him complaining I wasn't telling him everything and telling me my ideas are stupid, my choice of colours was ridiculous etc.
Fast forward to now, I'm trying to find work but as I'm pg, no one will hire me, h is refusing to even look, last month I gave him 2 months to get an interview, not a job offer, just an interview. (he has a security license, there jobs are going unfilled atm by us and companies are crying out for staff) he hasn't even fucking looked. This is despite being on the computer for the whole day, playing his stupid games.
As we are on jsa , we get 224 a fortnight, with loans to pay off its reduced to 194, out of that he gets 25 quid to do with what he likes, by the time bills, food, heating, council tax.are paid, I'm left with nothing.
We also get tax credits and cb, these go on the bills, extra gas and money for living on.
I'm sick to death of the sight of him, he does Fuck all around.the house, I've really hurt my foot and if I.do too much I can barely walk on it. Since Tuesday he has agreed to pick up dd1 from school for me, fine, he has done it fur a whole 2 days and refused today. This meant that despite having to go into town to do the shopping (i would have done it online but I'm not "allowed" as one supermarket once sent him a bag of cat food instead of cereal) I had to walk the twenty mins and back again to get dd. He knew I was.already in pain as I had already taken pain killers and had asked him if we had any codine left.
He has developed a rather worrying trait in the last 6 months too, he has invented a dead twin, apparently his mum was abused by his dad (a claim his mum has denied), told me about his time living in a flat share with a gay guy (i know he's never lived there as he described the area all wrong and dds dad lives there, so I know the area) he's trying his dam best to gas light me over really stupid stuff like making a coffee
In an ideal world I'd pack up and leave but the house is in my name, he will refuse to leave and he's threatened that if he does have to leave he will take dd2. He is quite capable of this and tbh, I've only stayed this long because of his threats.
How the hell can I get out of this?
Sorry I don't know but I'm sure someone else will come with wise words.
speak to women's aid and get some legal advice. No he will not be allowed to take your dd2. He is a shit and a bully. I would also talk to the police about his threats.
He can't take your dd.
If he refuses to leave - police.
Just dump him. You know it will end. Why drag it out?
He sounds a complete waste of time.
You need to talk to the police about his threats, and possibly social services. It will help you enormously to keep this unstable bully at arm's length when you finally kick him out. The authorities are your friends in this sort of situation.
Phone Women's Aid as they will be able to advise you of the safest way to get him out. And get out he must.
Thank you all, I'm just wondering how I can phone woman's aid... He's always with me or I'm on the school run with dd1. I might be able to get some time next Friday, I hope so anyway.
I've previously spoken to the police but all they can do is either send the dv team round or I can go see the dv team at the station... Neither are do able. They said as he is on dd2's bc then they can't stop him taking her, or make her bring her back to me. All I can do is to get a court order.
That's why you need to get his behaviour logged with the police and social services before kicking him out.
So can I phone the police and they can log it but not come out. I need to get everything together before I ask him to leave, jusy in case
Yes you can. Likewise with SS. In fact I would highly recommend it. Should you get in a residency battle or a situation where he tries to take your DC just to show he can and to cause you distress, the fact that there is a documented paper trail logging concerns about his behaviour and his suitability to have unsupervised contact will be your saviour.
Ultimately, however, don't worry too much about his threats. I can't guarantee it and you would be wise to plan for worst-case scenario, but in most cases abusers make this threat purely as a means of trying to control you. The truth is that most of them don't want the responsibility that comes with caring for a child 24/7 and will run a mile from it if actually taken up on their 'offer'.
I didn't know you could email women's aid. I'll have a look on the website tomorrow and email them what I've put on here.
I feel like I'm doing something wrong but I need to do something.
You're not doing anything wrong. You've just been conditioned to think that anything that isn't in his best interests is selfish.
Emailing women's aid is such a small step to the rest of the world, but for you it's a giant leap into acknowledging the fact that your needs, wants and desires matter, as do your DC's.
I've emailed women's aid this morning. The website said it might take up to 3 working days for them to get back to me.
I managed to walk up from school on my own today (most of the people round here know h and feed back to him so I have to watch what I say and do.) I tried calling 101 but I had no credit on my phone. There is no way I can get more for now... I'll have to try think of another way, I could use the phone box.but anyone walking past could overhear and feed it back to
Sorry pressed send too soon.
To h which means he would be questioning me on why I needed to use the phone box in the first place.
I was thinking last night, about your last post dahlen, when was the last time I had done or bought something for myself, I saved up for a Paul's boutique handbag and the matching purse. 3 days after I bought it, the house was broken into and my bag, purse, all the money, t he tv and dd2s money box went. His playstation and his stuff was left.
According to him, I didn't lock the back door, that night,.he had sorted out the dog as I was feeding dd2. So he "forgot" to lock the door. To this day, I'm sure he had something to do.with it. But its like everything else, I can't prove it.
I think you need to get out - you did so the right thing by contacting women's aid, well done. You sound so scared of this man, he sounds like bullying scum - are otehr people in your area scared of him?
No, everyone else thinks he's amazing! Because he picks up dd1 from school occasionally and he will look after dd2 while I do the school run I'm pretty sure he has nothing better to do.
I live in a council estate so there are a lot of single mums and feckless dads so because he looks after dd2 (once in a blue moon when I'm forced to leave her) he's seen as some kind of benchmark
He's officially in his "ice done nothing fucking wrong so I'm going to act normal while you get upset and then have a go at you for sulking at me" mode.
Yesterday, I came home from the school run to see that he was on the internet... He'd ordered a pair of police jeans for £50. I got the tax credits yesterday, he knows we have bills going out on Tuesday and Wednesday so we were skint anyway this week but that money he's spent on jeans is literally all we had until next Friday.
I told him on Wednesday last week they he would need to wait for next week to get them. We would be able to afford them then. But no... He had to fucking have them.
I have no maternity clothes (the ones I had with dd2 were loaned to me) and I'd sent them back. The only thing I was planning to buy for this pg was a pair of shorts, a maxi dress and a few big t shirts from primark to get me through. The dress I had planned to get was a ten pound one off amazon. But yet he bitches at me that we can't afford my lifestyle... Wtf?
I went mental at him yesterday once dd2 was down the her nap. I pointed out just how selfish, inconsiderate and dam right disrespectful he is... Now, I'm making it all up apparently.
Do you have any family who can lend you support - parents, sister or anyone to help you strong arm this knob end out of your life, or put you up till you and the DDs can get rehoused?
Aldo, I can't leave the house, even with the ea and threats etc I will still be classed as making myself homeless, which means that no council or ha have any legal obgligations (sp) to house me or the dds. I've spoken to the council previously, when I was having problems with my neighbours. They said they would have to place me in a b n b or local hotel for anything up to 5 years.
As for family, I only really have my dbro and dsil but they both have responsibilitys and quite like h. They don't see how unhappy I am. They just see that I'm no longer on my own (dd1s dad left when she was 3 months old and other relationships haven't worked so they think I need him). I can't ask my dad as he's such a passive man, its seriously odd! I have no contact with my mum, she's toxic beyond anything I've ever met. She only contacts me via messaging on fb.
I wish I could call someone in rl bit.i don't have anyone, everyone either loves him or they think I'd never cope alone and will push me to work things through with him.
I wish I could offer more advice. There must be others on here who have been through similar. I think this guy is very controlling and manipulative. Hope womens aid can advise re getting him out.
Thanks Aldo, just waiting for the email back from wa. Hopefully ill be able to get some advice and a plan.
Yesterday, he spent all day on the computer again and just watched me doing the housework and cooking tea. As well as everything else. He was meant to be getting up with dd2... Ha! He got up at 10 when I took dd2 up for her nap.
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