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Best friend problems

(11 Posts)
returnvisit Thu 09-May-13 16:04:09

I am having a small problem with my best friend.

She has 4 dc and so do I. One of her children has additional needs and there is the possibility that one other of her child's will have additional needs also. This is the same scenario for me also. She is in a relationship where she suffers from EA but I am in a long term relationship where I am treated very well.

She can only speak to me when her partner isn't around or see me when her partner is around to look after the dc. I have spoken to her in depth about her abusive relationship but she wishes to remain with him which is her choice. He feels threatened by our friendship.

We met 3 years ago and became extremely close very quickly, she has been very supportive with any problem I may have.

However recently she has experienced a lot of problems in her relationship and a lot of issues with her DC which has left her unable to have any time for me.

I myself have a lot on but will always make time for a quick chat on the phone for 5 mins or so,or quick meet up at her house for about 30 mins. She texts me around 5 times a day but I miss talking to her and seeing her.

I am torn between being really understanding because i know she has many issues going on in her life right now and being really hurt because she cannot speak to me for a few minutes or so twice a week just to have a catch up. I am very busy but will go out of my way for her and I feel like this isn't being reciprocated.

I am reluctant to speak to her as she can't be very sensitive and don't want to say the wrong thing which I can sometimes. Also I don't want to add to her already heavy burden by announcing I have issues, I want to be understanding but I am getting overwhelmed by a feelingly loss of our friendship.

Any advice?

loveisagirlnameddaisy Thu 09-May-13 17:07:50

I think it depends on whether she's being like this because of the EA and so she's genuinely in a difficult situation, or she's just being a lazy friend. I have had DC2 recently and gone back to work and feel like I've got no time for my friends. I'm aware I neglect my best friend but I make the effort to apologise and call whenever I can, even if it's only for a couple of minutes before one child or another starts yelling. She's okay with it and understands although I imagine if it went on indefinitely, she'd stop making as much effort as she does.

I would mention something, do it via text as she seems comfortable with this mode of communciation. Just check there's nothing more to her being absent than relationship problems at her end It sounds like there's not much more you can do under the current circumstances. I would let her know you're there for her whenever, but to protect your own emotional wellbeing, maybe redefine the status of your friendship with her in your own head so it's not disappointing if she keeps 'letting you down'.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 09-May-13 17:12:12

You choose to make time for her but you gain from it too don't you? For now, I suspect a lot of problems in her relationship and a lot of issues with her DC means she can't match that.

When she can, she texts you. For me 5 texts a day from a friend would be pretty good going. She has been supportive, currently she may be taking it down a notch.

If that's not enough for you, perhaps you need another friend to fill in those gaps where she hasn't the energy or time or inclination.

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay Thu 09-May-13 20:57:33

Um,, unless I've really misunderstood your OP, she can't reciprocate to the extent you'd like, because she's in an EA relationship and also has problems with her DCs?

And she isn't going to leave him, and she understands the ramifications, but this is nevertheless her choice?...

And you're now feeling let down because she's not there for you?

Did I get that right? I don't think you should be calling her on this, I think you need to be there for her in any way that you can be at the moment. When this immediate crisis has passed, make time to speak to her and try to explain how you feel.

If it was me though, all I would hear is somebody else being needy of my time (her DP/DH/DC being the other) and giving me more stress. She's already juggling a lot, plus EA. Does she need you giving her additional problems, however well-intentioned?

You need to think about what you want to give your friend - help and support, or more stress. It might be that long term, your previous best friendship is not going to be able to last the duration...

Sorry, I do find the tone of your post a bit needy and not what I'd expect a 'best friend' to be saying. You yourself posted *became extremely close very quickly, she has been very supportive with any problem I may have.

However recently she has experienced a lot of problems in her relationship and a lot of issues with her DC which has left her unable to have any time for me*.

And now you're thinking of putting additional pressure on her?? I think that is a bit selfish, perhaps?

You need to put her feelings in front of yours for a bit, I think.

returnvisit Fri 10-May-13 08:48:27

Thank you for the replies, I think you all have valid points.

Loveisagirl I think she is like this because of her situation and not because she is a lazy friend as she still texts me throughout the day, she probably doesnt feel the need to see me or speak to me as much i want to with her but i suppose those are my own issues. I do think I need to "let her go" a bit and move on maybe?

Donkeys don't ride, yes I think I need to fill the void for someone else, I just struggle to make close friends and she has been the best friend I have ever had. I'm not shy, and easily chat to people, there are just few people in the world to I instantly bond with like I did with her.

Lostmyidentity, I think you are right, my gut instinct tells me I am being unreasonable & I should be more understanding towards her situation. I have been really understanding in the years that I have known her but on the flip side she knows that I struggle when I can't see her or speak to her cos I miss her so she should understand that taking a bit of time out for me is all I'm asking. I have gone out of my way for her over the years so I don't think I'm asking a lot in return. That's just the way I'm wired up and I can't change how I feel about it.

Mumsyblouse Fri 10-May-13 09:16:26

From my perspective, 5 texts a day sounds like an enormous amount, but perhaps this has been a very intensive friendship and now is dying back to a more regular steady friendship which may be no bad thing. I speak with my bf about once a week, sometimes once every two weeks if we are very busy and would never feel rejected or concerned by her lack of contact. Your OP reads a bit more like a rejected lover than a friendship, more in the intensity of bonding (you do have a lot in common and it must be lovely to find someone in a similar situation) and even those slack off a bit over time!

If you want to stay friends, I think you have to accept that with four children, inc.special needs and no supportive husband, she will be more constrained than you in having chats- I would aim for quality (say a good long chat on phone once every week or two0 than quantity, her texting sounds like she is trying to stop you getting cross with her and if you are not careful you will be another person to please.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 10-May-13 09:24:32

Thing is, you were cautious enough to ask on here first before raising this with her, so I don't think you entirely sure in your own mind were you, and it says something for your affection for her that you didn't wade in complaining. Right now your wants probably have to take a back seat while she sets the pace. Fwiw I sympathise, but even the best friendships do have cycles.

CrapBag Fri 10-May-13 10:16:18

Do you think her DH could be stopping her from having so much to do with you?

returnvisit Fri 10-May-13 10:53:42

Yes crapbag, he doesnt like our friendship & it definitely affects when we can talk or meet. He is also very jealous of me as i am close to her.

Mumsyblouse, i feel very rejected & i am very hurt. Im spoiling things by being too needy.

Doinmummy Fri 10-May-13 18:34:15

Please try and give your friend the support she needs. It is extremely difficult being in an EA relationship. My guess is that she is being pulled in all directions. You do sound very needy. Sounds like she has a lot on her plate.

CrapBag Fri 10-May-13 21:31:00

Unfortunately, if she is not willing to leave him and he is stopping her from seeing you, I would probably distance myself anyway. Yes she needs help but if she is going to stay with him and not go against what he dictates then there is never going to be a proper friendship here. You can always say that you will be there if she decides to leave but I think really you need to widen your social circle and get closer to someone who will have more of a 2 way friendship.

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