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Mourning my normal family life

(54 Posts)
optionalExtras Thu 09-May-13 14:35:26

My H moved out 5 months ago after 2 pointless, soul-destroying years of attempting to repair our marriage post revelation of his long affair.

On the face of it I'm ok, looking after 3 DC, going to work, keeping the house in order (of sorts) and generally doing what needs to be done.

But underneath I'm a shell. I'm just so, so sad. Not because I love him and miss him I don't think (though I do miss sharing the day-to-day with him) but because I feel like I am grieving for the loss of family life. I dread weekends and holidays when one or more of the DC are with him, because I feel like I'm missing a limb and I get so down. It doesn't feel real. The idea that our family life is now split into two separate elements, half of which I am not part of, and the other half of which I must manage alone, really hurts.

Living abroad far from family and old friends makes it worse.

I know I have to drag myself out of this.

Cailinsalach Thu 09-May-13 19:05:44

I am sorry you feel this way. I know exactly what you mean. I ache for the loss of the man I thought he was, the loss of the future I thought we had and the loss of the role model my two sons should have had.

However.......I am glad the actual cheating emotionally abusive liar is not any way a part of my life or my future. I counted my blessings and then had them audited to make sure. Yup, I am better off without him.

Good luck.

optionalExtras Thu 09-May-13 21:29:24

Thank you. That's exactly how I feel.

In my worst moments I feel as bereft as if my life and marriage were slowly and knowingly assassinated behind my back. (I get these bouts of self-indulgent melodrama sometimesblush).

How do you get over it?

ParsleyTheLioness Thu 09-May-13 21:33:02

Cailin has nailed it. Same for me. It's very early days optional. It does get better...I don't know completely how you get over it, cos I haven't managed it yet. Time has made it a little better though.

ParsleyTheLioness Thu 09-May-13 21:34:15

Also, I think when someone has really pooped on you, from a great height, you don't completely get over it. Maybe you just do the best you can, and you learn so that nobody gets to do it again.

toysintheattic Thu 09-May-13 21:39:48

Hi optional, I can identify too, both with the loss of family life and being abroad from friends and family. Self-indulgent melodrama -- bring it on! I am a firm believer in letting things out. If I feel like crying I cry, though I try not to do it in front of DS. Though I think sometimes it might be good for him to see emotions being expressed, not repressed smile

Much of the time I feel defrauded, like my life is some kind of Enron-esque front with nothing underneath (how's that for melodrama?!?)

Not sure I can provide any advice, just nice sometimes to know you're not alone...!

ParsleyTheLioness Thu 09-May-13 21:43:10

Actually, I had a whinge about something similar at the weekend. I am not abroad, but ended up a long way from my family, and now tied to area for schooling (exams) and the fact that moving towards my family will move further away from witch of an ex-mil, who is 200 miles in the opposite direction and not very mobile... So I really sympathise with the geography thing. No chance of moving back to Blighty then OP?

optionalExtras Thu 09-May-13 21:59:56

It is good to know we're not alone in our miseryfest, not that I would wish this on anyone! I'm sure none of us will ever be the same again.

I was surprisingly fine (relatively) when he first moved out. The relief at coming home to a house free of tension probably. Now I've crashed, with the realisation that this is my new life for the foreseeable future.

Parsley, I think about moving home a lot. I'd have legged it long ago if it hadn't been for the DC. But timing is complicated with 3 DC all at different stages in their schooling. And I don't want to scupper entirely their relationship with their Dad, such as it is. But nor do I want to end up stuck here, miserable, too poor or too old to start again, when they've flown the nest...

ParsleyTheLioness Thu 09-May-13 22:04:06

Ok, so maybe it's a bit similar to my situation Optional. I'm a bit stuck now, but not necessarily for ever. Just feels like it sometimes!

ParsleyTheLioness Thu 09-May-13 22:05:46

I also recognise the relief when they've gone. Once things get so awful...and I think there are elements of shock too. Takes some time for the shock to wear off, and the reality that they were A* to sink in.

toysintheattic Thu 09-May-13 22:08:35

Onwards and upwards. No, we'll never be the same. I'm just starting to believe, 15 months on, maybe better.....I look back now and I can be proud of where I am and what I have managed to do. Interspersed with bouts of anger and grief. We are mourning, and have to go through those stages. Just as with grief, one can go back and forth between stages, it is not a linear progression.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Thu 09-May-13 22:09:51

What makes you think you'll be alone forever?

I'm sure you will meet someone much nicer not a cheating twunt who you can share lovely holidays and weekend with very soon!

Chubfuddler Thu 09-May-13 22:11:27

Right there with you all. I don't want my husband back, he's an abusive cunt. But the future I thought I had, the future I planned to have, is dead. Right now my children are at his house. I have to share them. It is right that I share them, but I hate it that they aren't here some of the time.

ParsleyTheLioness Thu 09-May-13 22:28:53

Hell yes. I'm lonely when dd goes to stay with Xh and Classless J.

skaboy Thu 09-May-13 23:12:24

I'm about 4 months separated, 4 kids and probably having them about 70-80% of the time. Summer is coming and I'll have to do my first holiday alone with them which will be weird. My life has already changed massively, I'm working, about a year away from completing a doctorate and trying to stay strong after being cheated on and massively fucked about for ages.

I manage it sometimes, others I dwell on things.

I have no idea when my new situation will become the norm but I guess once it does it will all seem much easier

Mosman Fri 10-May-13 01:05:50

I have a friend who's husband left her for and married the OW 7 years ago. I look at her and the life she's built, new baby, lovely partner, new house. All is good.
That's what I hold on to in the dark moments

vole3 Fri 10-May-13 05:33:36

It's the endless grind of work and home, trying to keep everything going single handed, that gets to me.

Would just be nice to get home and have a meal or cuppa waiting for me.
DS aged 5 managed to make toast for us when I was ill recently and he quite happily spent the day watching tv with me in my sick bed. Must train him up more, but I felt guilty that I wasn't able to look after him as normal.

verygentlydoesit Fri 10-May-13 08:23:55

Hi optional, I can identify with how you feel as DP and I split for a year when DS was just 1 and I too desperately missed family life. He's back now and TBH that feeling is sometimes all that is stopping me being brave enough to kick him out.

So, I'm really no expert but I do think things might get easier in time.

In the meantime could you think about doing something that makes you happy, however small. I get a sense of strength when I do something for 'me'. Even if I don't enjoy it at the time I feel proud of myself afterwards.

Do you find yourself 'window gazing' at other happy families sometimes? If you do, bear in mind that not all of them are as happy as they appear. I hope that makes sense, it sounds nasty written down, but I do think it's worth bearing in mind.

optionalExtras Fri 10-May-13 09:22:13

Oh the grind. And so little appreciation. My teens were initially fired up about contributing to chores and saying that we'd be fine without him, but now the novelty has worn off they only help when nagged asked. I clearly have more training to do. That is hard work too, as is dealing with bad behaviour, with no back-up for each battle.

I try not to window gaze (though it is like a kick in the stomach every time, particularly seeing teens with a caring, involved Dad), reminding myself that until recently we might have looked like a picture book family...

Moanranger Fri 10-May-13 09:33:56

4 months split now. I know exactly what you mean, OP, but you will have to, as I have, let go of what you thought your life would be, and devise new dreams.
You should seriously consider moving to where you can build the best possible life for yourself - near friends, family & where you can get a job. It may entail disruption, but will be better for you & DC in long run.

Chubfuddler Fri 10-May-13 10:10:30

I buy myself flowers. Only a three quid spray of freesias or tulips but I but them every week. Not so DH always bought me flowers, but I don't live in an impulse advert, if I want flowers I can buy them myself.

optionalExtras Fri 10-May-13 18:12:07

Gah, feeling down tonight. Rubbish day at work and generally fed up. DS is with his Dad, another DC is out so it's just me and one teen. I can feel a lazy TV dinner à deux coming on.

Should've bought myself flowers! The last time I did that a few weeks ago the DC asked who gave them to me (and were shocked when I said no one). I saw H clock them at handover but he didn't say anything...

worley Fri 10-May-13 19:19:25

vole3 one day when your ds is the age my ds1 is.. he WILL make your coffee in the morning smile ive trained mine to do so.. he does it automatically in the mornings.. im still working on the cooking but i know yours will be able to do it better and earlier with you as his mum.. were both better off in this situation than the one we were smile xx

skyebluesapphire Fri 10-May-13 19:22:33

I understand how you feel, 12 months on from split. I miss the family time together, the holidays, having somebody to share things with. I didnt think I'd survive a week, a month, a year, but I did. But now, it's the loss of the future plans and dreams that gets me down the most.

I don't want XH back but I do want back the family life. I have this huge sadness that everything is not as it should be.

I have just had a caravan holiday with DD and my mum and I'm planning the next one. I'm planning things to do in the summer and starting to save for some sort of special holiday in a couple of years.

The sadness is with me all the time but I'm hoping it will get less and less . As somebody else said, grieving for a loss goes backwards and forwards, not in a straight line.

It does get better, it just takes a while and the busier you can be, the better

unapologetic Fri 10-May-13 19:56:29

What I find sad is seeing other families/couples and everyone going about their business, looking normal. Everyone seems coupled up. I keep thinking, how did they get their partners? They make it look so easy whereas I keep thinking I will never meet anyone else.

It's the simple things I miss doing as a family, like going to IKEA (!) Mind you, don't talk to me about the big things either, Christmas was awful!

It must be difficult for you abroad. I would seriously think of moving back.

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