Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Even tho its the right thing why does it hurt?

(9 Posts)
catkin14 Thu 09-May-13 14:32:25

I have posted before, left EA H of 27 years 2 months ago now.
He went though a terrible phase of tears, threatening suicide, using DS to get to me.

I then had 2 weeks of silence from him and now in last 10 days he says he accepts we are over and would like to be amicable, sort things out properly and as much as poss without solicitors.
Im not entirely sure that he doesnt have someone else, which is fine, we all deserve to be happy. But.
This came as a bit of a shock as i thought i would have a big fight on my hands as he is very clever with words etc.

While i am relieved it seems ok at the moment and that we can hopefully remain on good terms and i know we were just not good for each other, we had a lot of years together and it feels very sad. I feel as if i have let everyone down...

Anyone else been here and felt like that?

TheBakeryQueen Thu 09-May-13 14:36:38

Sorry you're going through this but it sounds like you've done the right thing.

I wouldn't fall for his current mr. Nice guy act, it's just all part of the abuse cycle isn't it?

I'd take the nastiness & the niceness all with a pinch of salt if I were you & just stay focused on the end result.

I would use solicitors.

turbochildren Thu 09-May-13 14:55:19

Of course it feels very sad. it is very sad. But him being nice now is not going to last, or at least it means you no longer have to be with him when he is being nasty. You have not let anyone down, and even if it's sad be glad you are shot of him.
Agree re using solicitors for when he decides he shall not be very nice after all.
He probably guessed you were all geared up to fight for your side, and uses this way to deflate you like a balloon. Then whilst you are confused and relieved he is being so reasonable he may well get his usual act back in place. Sorry if that was a bit dramatic there, but I would not expect anything less from someone who has known you for 27 years. He will know which buttons to push for sure.

I feel similar, though we had "only" 12 years together. Sad and like it's me who's messed it all up. keep posting on here, people will come and let you know you are sane smile
Can recommend It's my life now, which talks about the grief felt even if it's an abusive relationship coming to an end. Maybe that would help you?

catkin14 Thu 09-May-13 15:02:26

Thanks for replies.
I have a solicitor lined up incase he turns nasty again, but if possible i would like to stay amicable. We have 3 DC's and it would be better for them too.
His EA was more on the constant criticism, not speaking to me or DC's if we upset him type of thing, so it very good to not be walking about on egg shells but it makes me ask myself if i made him like it because we were so incompatible..
As i say, sad after all those years.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Thu 09-May-13 17:33:48

But it wasn't your fault you were incompatible.

Vivacia Thu 09-May-13 17:46:02

I would use the solicitor anyway. This isn't attacking him, it's protecting you. What if he's being (unexpectedly) nice just to buy himself some time or lull you in to a false sense of security or even just to play games with you?

3lattesaday Thu 09-May-13 22:00:16

Hi Catkin, I am in a very similar position to you - together 28 years, 3 DC. I have finally instigated divorce after giving it 'one more try' over and over for the past few years. My H is also EA, although it's taken me a long time to realise. I've not really got any advise but just wanted to let u know that you are not on your own. My H has also suddenly gone from nasty to seemingly reasonable in the last few days and it is very confusing and it does make you doubt yourself. I also feel very sad but I know it is the right thing for me to do if I want to be happy. Let's try and get through this together.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-May-13 09:11:37

Definitely use the solicitor. An emotionally abusive person that would stoop to threats of suicide to manipulate you is not going to be 'amicable' when settling anything, no matter what he says. Agree with the above that this is him attempting to get you off guard rather than a genuine attempt at mediation. So make sure you make full use of your solicitor, even if it costs you more money in the process. You cannot trust your ex

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-May-13 09:22:04

BTW... in answer to the question, why does it hurt, it's because you've been driven to this point. Like everyone else you presumably got married in a spirit of optimism about the future - not with the intention of getting divorced. Like everyone else you have shared history, good times, plans for the future, ideas about growing old together - not starting life again solo at this stage. It's a loss, a grieving process, and of course you're going to be sad about it for quite some time. However, you've let no-one down. You've asserted yourself, stood up to the tears, suicide threats and other games.... and that's something to be very proud of.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now