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A little help please- long

39 replies

skyofdiamonds · 09/05/2013 12:36

I've known my OH since 2007, as acquaintances.

We bumped into one another on a night out in November '12 (my birthday) and he messaged me the day after asking how my night was. We really hit it off and have a lot in common.

He asked to meet up and do some xmas shopping together, nothing exciting.

I knew he had a GF whom he lived with but didn't bring it up in this meeting as were only meeting up as friends to get some bits from town.

We met another two times (nothing sexual at all) and I eventually brought up the huge elephant in the room. He was very upset and said their relationship was non existent and not working out, as soon as they moved in together (months ago) they argued continually and all romantic attraction had vanished on both sides. They had agreed they felt more like brother and sister, not lovers.

I said that it needed to be over before any happened, although unfortunately this rule didn't stick hard and fast.

Xmas came by and we were messaging non stop everyday and seeing each other. He went away to his family for xmas and I was phoned everyday and all was lovely.

When he returned, they decided to sit down, discuss it and go on an official 'break'. They were both tied into the rental contract for a long-ish time and neither have family or anywhere to go in the area so it seemed the right thing for them to do, bearing in mind they had to live with each for the foreseeable future.

This meant we continued to date with more freedom and really fell in love. It was a case of seeing out the rental contract so they could move out and she was planning to move away.

In february, I discovered a photo of him and her at xmas time on FB, despite the fact he'd gone away to his family alone. I went mental as we had talked everyday then, therefore at one point in that time he was lying to me about where he was. He explained in depth the reason why, he was worried as we were so new that it would freak me out/I'd run a mile and his thoughts of doing that were completely irrational. I felt like i'd caught him out and she and I were both being two timed. Although he did explain everything and it doesn't feel like that now. It turns out he went to her family for one day after xmas for a xmas meal for the other halves and friends of the family, they apparently slept in separate beds that night.

They called the relationship off entirely but obviously had to carry on living together and all was civil. I was really struggling with the idea he was living with her and it made me physically ill. Despite the fact they are entirely separate and in separate rooms etc etc.

Their flat is empty and she's as good as moved out. I went around there the other day with him. There was washing in the machine which belonged to him and her. I wasn't happy at all about the fact they do/did washing together and said it was an insult to our relationship that he is handling her smalls on a daily basis in a comfortable way.

He told me that she'd put it on a few days ago and he never EVER touches her stuff. end of.

I then had a lightbulb moment, hours later, where I realised an item of clothing of his
that was in there was something he'd worn the day before therefore the ONLY person who could have washed the load was him, as noone else was there, so he had lied to me!

I went mental and told him I am not going to be in a relationship with a compulsive liar and there was no need to tell that lie. it was pointless! especially over washing FGS.

He has explained to me that the reaosn he had told these lies were ridiculous. He's never been in this position before and it has affected him greatly and not necessarily for the best, causing him to lie. Told me he isn't thinking straight when he tells the lies, he just doesn't want to upset me. I told him that I wasn't sure how I could trust him when he lies like that. He was in tears and apologising in every way, admitting to it all and saying how he doesn't want to lose me. He also can't see how we can move forward without me letting go and starting a clean slate.

I've always got in my mind, the thought of them at xmas together (they were together one day) whilst i naively thought otherwise. I know he was trying to protect me from being upset about it, i think it was a typical 'man' reaction to do that.

He has completely sorted all of it out now and its just him and I now. No complications. He gives me everything, tells me everything, spends all his time with me or thinking about me and makes me feel amazing. I know he's in love with me completely, he has cried twice at the idea of losing me. Aside from those lies, he has been honest (i think!) about him and her, what its like living there and what they are like (obviously all over now).

so, I ask...

Was I unreasonable to flip out that they share washing, whilst they were living as housemates?

How would you feel about the xmas lie?

How can I get over it and move on?

Am I an idiot?

I do realise that sometimes it is a good thing that him and his ex are civil, they have no beef with each other, which I respect. He clearly wasn't an utter wanker to her at home or anything, which I hear about too much on here!

We love each other very much and will stay together regardless but I need to move on from this break in trust, he's explained all he can so I now need to let go.

be nice!

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/05/2013 12:51

Are you an idiot? .... When talking about feelings, nothing is 'idiotic' and you should trust your judgement. If you're getting a bad feeling about this man, if you don't think he's been honest with you and if you think there have been a few too many cheesy excuses for things like Christmas absences and washing in machines then all those feelings are perfectly valid. 'Trying to protect you' is such a hackneyed explanation trotted out by those who are hiding the truth that it's almost a cliché.

FWIW even though you've known this guy for a few years he sounds like he's rushing you with all this 'in love with me completely' thing. I don't like the fact that he turned on the waterworks. Emotional pressure to get his own way is a bad sign. I don't like that he was meeting up with you while he was supposed to be living with someone else and then went on to bad-mouth his ex. Decent men don't do that. You don't owe him anything and he really doesn't sound trustworthy to me at all. When there's no trust you've got nothing.