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confused by dh reaction...

(25 Posts)
threesypeesy Thu 09-May-13 09:15:24

So I went to bed last night, currently co-sleeping with dd and my phone lights up with a text from dh who was down stairs. He asked who x was as Ihad just recieved a private mail from him saying if I disnt message back he understands it may be awkward?? I hadn't seen this pm and still have not read it as I have no interest is someone wjo I was at school with 14years ago. Dh had seen the message as I left my hotmaiHotmail open on laptop, this is normal for me I am not a private person so my wjole jouse knows my passwords etc certainly nothing to hide.

Anyway dh goes mental claiming my lies have cought up with me???? I would have messaged back given the chance etc I wouldn't have , I would have told dh and deleted.

Hes now not talking to me and I am so confused why he is acting like this.

Sorry I rambled hope you can make sense of it I am just so dumstruck by this

Dahlen Thu 09-May-13 09:31:34

Is he generally insecure or slightly controlling? Has he been cheated on or cheated on anyone else before? Also, I don't want to plant seeds of doubt, but any chance of transference going on here?

Hope you sort it out.

threesypeesy Thu 09-May-13 09:35:51

He has cheated several times in our first couple of years together resulting in an 8month break up. Ive never thouhht him to be insecure. It is just so surreal I cant possibly have control over someone pming me out the blue after 14 years and I certainly would never do anything to jeopardise my marraige its just not me if I am honsest I am gutted he doesn't know this.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Thu 09-May-13 09:43:04

He has cheated several times in our first couple of years together

There's the answer to your question. His reaction was extremes because he still has guilt. Or maybe he is thinking you are now 'equal'.
Either way, his reaction was extreme. Maybe look at the message and reassure him you're not a cheating twunt like him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 09-May-13 09:46:13

Absolutely agree with the above. He's a cheat and therefore thinks everyone else is as deceitful as he is. He probably thinks you're getting you're own back. Massive overreaction whichever way you look at it. Wonder what he's hiding....?

threesypeesy Thu 09-May-13 09:48:16

I really have no interest in the message I told him I thought it was inappropriate for the guy to private mail and he knows I havemt deplied as he read it and that I wouldnt reply as I wouldn't be happy if dh had done ot either.

I dont think its guilt either he has always said he only felt bad as I eneded up being the girl he married confused

I have been trying to reasure he wont listen or look at me and isnt replying to my text I sent him . Its really umlike him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 09-May-13 09:52:26

It's 'transference' in psychological terms. He's taking his own failings (infidelity) and he ascribes them to others. He thinks everyone is the same as him and looking for a bit on the side. Why on earth shouldn't you receive a PM from someone who knows you? It isn't inappropriate at all. What is he the e-mail police?

I really wouldn't bother trying to reassure him any more. He's made up his own story and he doesn't seem to trust you at all. I'd be very angry and very offended in your shoes.

fuzzywuzzy Thu 09-May-13 09:57:58

Are you sure he isn't having an affair again, had one recently or is beginning one?

Otherwise I can't see any logic to go off on one unless its a case of going on the offensive first.

Read the PM so you can see what you are dealing with.

threesypeesy Thu 09-May-13 10:08:24

God I hope not fuzzywuzzy I couldn't go through it again although he is far more secretive I dont know his passwords but I have no desire to and he does delete history from laptop after every use hmm

I really really hope its the offensive one more .

Feel like ive the weight of the world on my shoulders this morning. [Sad]

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 09-May-13 10:37:31

Another one who thinks its because he is judging you according to his standards and morals - I would think these have not changed since he first cheated on you....

threesypeesy Thu 09-May-13 10:48:34

Its realluy unfair of him to do that. Its taken alot of effort on my part to move on from the past and I still struggle daily with it, I could never put another person through heartache like it .

I am sitting here feeling let down if that makes sense, that he would tjink so little of me.

Dreading him coming home from sork dcs are all at thwir nanas tonight so no doubt there will be an argument sad

QuintessentialOHara Thu 09-May-13 10:51:34

My first thought was that he is projecting, and lo and behold, your second post confirms he is a cheating bastard.....

BigBlockSingsong Thu 09-May-13 10:56:43

I think perhaps its a guilty conscience talking, although read that message sometimes people send things that are inappropriate without thinking how it might look to a partner,
theres one bloke who messages me now and again,it starts off normal then talking about all manner of 'strange things' like bdsm things I have never met this person, don't encourage it in anyway but would look awful to DP,
And I think also men don get that telling a man to 'fuck off' can make matters worse, men are more likely to just say f* off to someone who was bothering them.

Loulybelle Thu 09-May-13 11:23:15

Cognito is bang on about the Transference, hes got a guilty conscience, and probably thinks in his head, if you did get even then he couldnt react betrayed because he is the betrayer first, thats the price he pays if he seeks forgiveness, he has to live the weight of his own guilt.

Snorbs Thu 09-May-13 11:27:50

You're right. It is desperately unfair of him.

Sadly this is the measure of the man you're married to.

Bant Thu 09-May-13 11:37:45

Wow. I agree it's an over-reaction on the husbands part, but if a woman posted on here that she'd seen that message on her husbands laptop, there would be a chorus of LTB, assuming he's cheating. And if the woman admitted to having cheated in the past, there would be all the more calls for it, assuming he was getting revenge.

Huge double standards on here. Huge.

fuzzywuzzy Thu 09-May-13 11:44:24

We have no idea what the message says. OP hasn't read it!

I don't think the reaction would be disimilar if it were a male OP.

If a DH came on and said his wife who had cheated in the past had been going thro his emails had seen one from an old school friend and then went off on one altho he had no idea what it said himself, my reply would be no different. Former cheater spouse is being hugely unreasonable and projecting at the very least, the OP needs to read the email first to see what is going on.

Bant Thu 09-May-13 11:50:44

The message said 'If you don't message back I understand it may be awkward' - that could obviously be read as a secretive message.

Given that I've read threads on here on similar topics saying 'if you suspect him of something, he's probably cheating' then it just seems a bit off to start blaming the husband for his suspicion. Yes it's probably exacerbated by historic guilt, but putting all the blame on the husband is a bit rich, really.

Lweji Thu 09-May-13 11:54:23

I thought projection, then read your second post...

And I'd suspect the cheating was still going on.

After episodes of cheating, if I had stayed with that person I wouldn't accept not knowing passwords or deleted internet history.

I wouldn't accept this level of distrust either.

fuzzywuzzy Thu 09-May-13 11:55:12

He hasnt had a discussion with her about it, and if the full message is 'if I didnt message back he understands it may be awkward' that's not something to go off the deep end about, I'd suggest former cheater OP to speak to wife who has no history of cheating and get the full story.

It's not the same at all.

I'm pretty sure a poster of either sex would get the same reply. Spouse is acting very unreasonably exacerbated by their own history.

threesypeesy Thu 09-May-13 11:55:36

Thats The only part of the message my dh mentioned bant I have not read it as I really have no interest in what ever it says this person was only a random from school 14 years ago .

I am so confused over his reaction as I have never given him any cause for concern and been nothing but faithful unlike himself in the beginning.

Lweji Thu 09-May-13 11:55:46

If I had seen similar messages to a partner, I'd wait to see what his reaction was.

And talking about double standards, he did cheat, so why get so much worked up about the remote possibility of his wife cheating?

threesypeesy Thu 09-May-13 11:59:45

Dh has seen that I have not replied had I seen the message 1st I would have said to dh oh thats a bit random blah blah blah and deleted it howver dh seems to think if he hadn't seen it I would have replied and started something hmm

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 09-May-13 12:22:48

"Huge double standards on here. Huge"

Rubbish. If there's a 'usual' post about this kind of thing it's never just one isolated message. There are either other messages with flirty replies or indicating people have already met up or there's been other dodgy behaviour in the run-up e.g. partner secretive with phone, suddenly argumentative over tiny things...

BigBlockSingsong Thu 09-May-13 14:05:15

Something very similar happened to me OP on the dreaded fb,
some complete stranger messaged me 'you're right pretty , etc etc'
I saw the messaged , and I just thought I'd ignore it.
Because I didn't msg back 'FUCK OFF' my DP gave me the cold shoulder for a day, I kept texting saying whats up, 'nothing' etc knew it was a lie, came over to mine still sulking, I finally coaxed truth out of him and he blamed me, said like you got, 'probably gonna message him back'
I exploded, told him to get out!
after a long discussion said , if that ever happens again its over!
I think you need to discuss and nip it in the bud op.

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