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On the brink of an affair... Is there any way these things work out ok?

(141 Posts)
ontheprecipice Wed 08-May-13 22:32:52

I suppose I know the answer.

BTW, I am a regular, but have NC's for obvious reasons... Am not a troll, even though this could be considered a very troll-like first post.

I am on the brink of an affair.

I am married with two children. So is he. We both intend to stay with our spouses, but neither of us have active sex lives within our marriage, or much in the way of intimacy. Otherwise the marriages work ok. I wouldn't describe myself as massively happy or unhappy in mine. I am certainly not unhappy enough to disrupt mine, my husbands or my young childrens lives by separating. He is broadly in the same boat.

We met via work (but we don't work together). Instant chemistry and attraction on both sides.

We have been emailing and speaking on the phone. We have had coffee a couple of times. The last time in the middle of an innocuous conversation he reached over and kissed me. Neither entirely unexpected or unwelcome. We then went for a walk and kissed some more.

I know the next time we meet, we will probably end up sleeping together.

I never thought I would consider such a thing. But I've never felt more alive. I feel like a woman again, for the first time in years. Paradoxically, I feel good about myself for the first time in ages. Not good as in 'virtuous' obviously. But good as in interesting, desirable, womanly.

I don't know if want some sense talked to me, or reassurance that a dalliance doesn't have to mean the end of a marriage.

I'm bracing myself.

Scarletohello Wed 08-May-13 23:11:31

Hettle- if you knew anything about Tantra you wouldn't call it 'weird shit', I did 2 year long Tantra courses and it was one of the most beautiful, healing and empowering things I had ever done. It can also be fantastic for couples to reinvigorate their sex life ( but only if they already have a good relationship, otherwise it will show up the cracks in their relationship) I'm always amazed how people are so quick to pass judgement on things they know nothing about.

Anyway OP, what you love is the way you feel when you are with him, desirable , alive, sexy etc. Those feelings are inside YOU! Are there any other ways you can get to feel those things without having an affair? If your husband is a selfish lover I'm not surprised you are attracted to this man. Go for it if you wish, but there will be consequences. I wish you good luck. Xx

sarahseashell Wed 08-May-13 23:14:08

If you want those feelings then either see if you can get them in your marriage and if not then leave, get divorced, and find them later in life with a new partner/partners. Or even this sleaze chap if he does the same

TakingTimeOut Wed 08-May-13 23:16:46

Joan, that would depend on if it was a kiss or lots of kissing.

It's obvious the OP's self esteem and confidence are low. OP, I think some sort of therapy would be good - even if it's some sort to help with those issues.

Stay away from this man - he is after a bit of skirt and that's it. Busy yourself with your children, friends, family - anything you can. Just cut contact completely. It's not worth the risk.

HighJinx Wed 08-May-13 23:19:50

OP, what strikes me from your posts is that you know this is wrong. So aside from a bit of tawdry sexual excitement it will actually make you feel worse about everything in the long run.

You might try to convince yourself that you can justify your actions but if you had no conscience about this you would never have posted this thread.

If you are unhappy and unfulfilled then of course you need to work to remedy that but this really does seem to me to be hitting the self destruct button.

Or maybe you want your H to find out and take the choice out of your hands?

CutMyFringe Wed 08-May-13 23:23:47

Focus on your kids then. Think of the nights and days when you are home alone and their rooms are empty because they are with your DH - because of what you did.

I suppose you could carry on and not get caught but it sounds very intense and if so, I imagine there will be fallout.

Try the therapy PPs have recommended. Don't cheapen yourself and your family.

Monty27 Wed 08-May-13 23:24:01

Which would your dc's think better of you for doing? Cutting it and leaving? Or being a complete and utter dishonest and unfaithfuly untrustworthy individual.

Your call, you know everyone involved, I don't. Thank goodness.

DumSpiroSpero Wed 08-May-13 23:24:01

I couldn't imagine putting my children through a divorce because I am not fulfilled.

If you go ahead with this affair, you may find you don't get the luxury of choosing.

I feel for you, I really do - but having an affair with this bloke (who frankly sounds like a bit of twat) is not going to help anyone in the long run.

I think you need to have a very serious talk with your DH, and if after completely laying your cards on the table he can't/won't make an effort then you will just have to choose between your current lifestyle or making a clean break.

Monty27 Wed 08-May-13 23:25:00

By the way OP, I do feel for you, but do the right thing for your loved ones.

toomanyeasterbunnies Wed 08-May-13 23:25:24

I am certainly not unhappy enough to disrupt mine, my husbands or my young childrens lives by separating. So why embark on an affair?

Yes, you may start feeling more alive from the thrill of it all. But at the same time you will start becoming even more unhappy within your marriage. You will find fault with everything your dh is doing so you can justify your affair. Eventually, you will tell your husband you don't love him as he will seem boring and full of faults. This in itself could risk your marriage, let alone your dh finding out. You may think that this won't happen but it will.. It always does.

Please don't do this. Talk to your dh. Then perhaps you won't disrupt your family and cause absolute heartbreak.

Monty27 Wed 08-May-13 23:37:17

Good post Too and also, your dc's will pick up on it. Not good.

Fairenuff Wed 08-May-13 23:43:20

You like the way the om makes you feel right now. How will you like it when he shags you and dumps you? Because that could also happen, right? You have said that he is a serial cheater, so once he has got his leg over with you he will move on to the next one.

Not going to be great for your self esteem is it? You won't feel all desirable and sexy then, you will feel like you have been used. And you will also feel guilty. And you will probably also feel worried that you dh will find out and kick your sorry arse out.

ontheprecipice Wed 08-May-13 23:44:32

Yes, you may start feeling more alive from the thrill of it all. But at the same time you will start becoming even more unhappy within your marriage.

I would say this has probably happened already...

Been plodding on for years. Too exhausted to really do anything when the children were really little.

NO I have some energy back, looking round and thinking " Can I live like this forever?".

I don't want a divorce.

I do want a fulfilling sex life. I really don't see how any amount of sexual therapy is going to help me get that within my marriage, as I suspect we are fundamentally incompatible in this department. Sadly didn't know that before we got married.

I know I have to stop this affair-in-waiting. But the thought leaves me feeling utterly desperate.

HighJinx Wed 08-May-13 23:47:32

I don't think the lack of a fulfilling sex life is all that is wrong with your marriage though is it?

It is a symptom. Otherwise you would be able to talk about it with your H and work at it.

DreamingofSummer Wed 08-May-13 23:48:30


As simple as that

Lazyjaney Wed 08-May-13 23:49:57

Lots of harrumphing on here, but IMO once sex is not happening for some period of time and if you need sex, then all bets are off anyway, the only issue becomes how and when it ends.

ontheprecipice Wed 08-May-13 23:51:57

I honestly don;t know if the sex life problems are a symptom or a cause. It was a problem before there were other issues.

There are other issues, I know that.

But I don't know how many of them stem from being massively unhappy in the area.

I know it is unforgivable, but you can see why, in a weak moment, I could get to thinking that if I could just have great sex somewhere, I might be happier.

DumSpiroSpero Wed 08-May-13 23:53:05

How do you think your husband would react if you were completely up front with him and told him that the lack of sex had led to you having feelings for someone else?

DioneTheDiabolist Wed 08-May-13 23:53:06

Ontheprecipice, what will you do when your DH finds out (because he will)?

ontheprecipice Wed 08-May-13 23:53:26

Lazyjaney - I have sex with my husband, otherwise he is unbearable.

There's nothing in it for me though. It's another household duty to perform, really.

Dreadful to say, but true.

Monty27 Wed 08-May-13 23:54:01

Well then OP it's all about you then isn't it?

ontheprecipice Thu 09-May-13 00:00:11

Right now, Monty27, in this regard, maybe it is.

ontheprecipice Thu 09-May-13 00:02:58

I suppose I just feel like I have 3 options
1 stay married and resign myself to never enjoying sex again
2 get divorced, deal with the fallout and hope I meet someone else
3 have great sex outside my marriage

I know there ought to be
4 find a way of having great sex with my husband.

But I just don't see that happening...

joanofarchitrave Thu 09-May-13 00:06:28

It does happen though, every day. People having shit sex, or even no sex, who manage to turn things around and start having good sex again.

I'm not trying to discard your husband's role in this; things have to change between you. Inserting a new person into your marriage is a sure-fire way to end it in the messiest way possible.

OrWellyAnn Thu 09-May-13 00:10:16

2 things.

Firstly you will be gutted if you shag this Man because you are desperate for good sex, and then HE is also shitty in bed (players often are, they are intrinsically selfish) and THEN your marriage ends because your DH finds out.

Secondly the risks you face if you leave DH (in your post at 23:09) are no different to the risks you take if you have an affair and DH leaves YOU.

Actually, you know what? There's a are holding on, in this marriage that doesn't make you happy, because you are scared of the consequences of leaving. Have you thought about how you'll feel if your DH decides to leave you somewhere down the line because he is as unhappy as you? of all the time you could be wasting in an unhappy marriage? Time you will never get back, hours, days, minutes you spend unfulfilled and feeling unloved when you could be in a rewarding fulfilling relationship? (Even if at first that relationship is with yourself, getting to know and like who you are again!)
Don't waste your life like this, you are clearly unhappy about lots more than the sex. If it were just the sex I'd say stay and figure something out together, but it's so obvious it's a lot more than that!

ontheprecipice Thu 09-May-13 00:11:27

It does happen though, every day. People having shit sex, or even no sex, who manage to turn things around and start having good sex again.

Does it though? Even when they've NEVER had good sex?

Or if one half of the relationship thinks it's just fine?

If I believed it was possible... well, maybe I wouldn't feel so desperate about it. But I have to say I find it highly improbable for a variety of reasons.

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