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On the brink of an affair... Is there any way these things work out ok?

(141 Posts)
ontheprecipice Wed 08-May-13 22:32:52

I suppose I know the answer.

BTW, I am a regular, but have NC's for obvious reasons... Am not a troll, even though this could be considered a very troll-like first post.

I am on the brink of an affair.

I am married with two children. So is he. We both intend to stay with our spouses, but neither of us have active sex lives within our marriage, or much in the way of intimacy. Otherwise the marriages work ok. I wouldn't describe myself as massively happy or unhappy in mine. I am certainly not unhappy enough to disrupt mine, my husbands or my young childrens lives by separating. He is broadly in the same boat.

We met via work (but we don't work together). Instant chemistry and attraction on both sides.

We have been emailing and speaking on the phone. We have had coffee a couple of times. The last time in the middle of an innocuous conversation he reached over and kissed me. Neither entirely unexpected or unwelcome. We then went for a walk and kissed some more.

I know the next time we meet, we will probably end up sleeping together.

I never thought I would consider such a thing. But I've never felt more alive. I feel like a woman again, for the first time in years. Paradoxically, I feel good about myself for the first time in ages. Not good as in 'virtuous' obviously. But good as in interesting, desirable, womanly.

I don't know if want some sense talked to me, or reassurance that a dalliance doesn't have to mean the end of a marriage.

I'm bracing myself.

Pigsmummy Wed 08-May-13 22:50:58

Deep down you know this wrong and the fallout should this blow up could affect your, or hus children.

fieldfare Wed 08-May-13 22:52:09


Just that! Have some self respect.

IsItMeOr Wed 08-May-13 22:56:08

Have to agree with Hecsy and DrGoogle, it does rather sound as if he's cottoned on to having affairs with married women being a good way to spice up his sex life with less chance that she's going to expect him to leave his wife for her.

So you're just a "type" to him, rather than an individual.

And really, is it such a surprise that somebody taking an interest in you makes you feel more attractive?

It sounds like you want more attention from your husband, tbh. I would take this as a wake-up call to try and improve your communication. If you go down this path you will be risking breaking up your marriage, and your OP does not read at all as if that is something you want to entertain.

ontheprecipice Wed 08-May-13 22:56:48

Yes, I have no doubt he is a complete cad. I wouldn't want to marry him or have a long term relationship. He flatters me, makes me feel like a goddess. I know he is practiced, so he would. But it feels good. It is so long since I have felt anything but a thing.

My marital sex life has always been dire. I used to try very hard to make it better, but H thinks there is no problem, even though I don't and never have orgasmed with him. I think he assumes this is 100% my problem not anything to do with him. I've tried making suggestions, they are disregarded. I've pretty much come to the point where I know I will never be fulfilled sexually with him.

But otherwise we rub along well enough. Lack of sex doesn;t seem like a good enough reason to end it.

But just now the thought of never, ever again having great sex, seems a dismal prospect.

I think that's why the idea that I might be able to have great sex, allbeit outside my marriage, is so intoxicating.

hettie Wed 08-May-13 22:57:52

would you consider relationship therapy or psycho-sexual therapy for your marriage (legitimate therapy- not weird tantra shit....) tp try and improve things.....
If so try here or here

TakingTimeOut Wed 08-May-13 22:58:55

You said you've already been kissing with this man - you've already over-stepped the mark there. That's betrayal in itself already. Especially when you know it's more than likely going to end up with you sleeping together.

If my DH even kissed another woman the trust would be gone on that alone.

But hey, that's just me.

Hatpin Wed 08-May-13 22:59:51

I had an affair. My ex-H found out 3 weeks after it started. He filed for divorce 4 weeks later.

Are you prepared for a life changing scenario like that? It was as bad as you can possibly imagine and it happened very fast.

cupcake78 Wed 08-May-13 23:02:34

Just don't do it! Learn from it and make the necessary changes to your family life.

Once you've done it you can never ever undo it. Nothing is worth it.

LookingForwardToMarch Wed 08-May-13 23:02:39

You do realise you are just his latest conquest right?

Don't kid yourself that you are even remotely 'special' or 'interesting' to this kind of man.

He's probably just bored.

ontheprecipice Wed 08-May-13 23:03:45

Difficult to imagine how our marital sex-life might improve... Even with therapy.

DH would have tp be in the country, for one, then not too busy with work, and subsequently willing to accept some responsibility. And why would he? He's satisfied enough. The fact that I "can't" orgasm with him – my problem...

I know you're all completely 100% right.

I just want... I want these feelings.

Samebod Wed 08-May-13 23:04:26

Why don't you leave your dh and then start the 'affair' in the physical sense.

Bit scary non?

Right way toward though if you are unhappy with sexless marriage -or you could mention to dh that you can live without a sexless marriage and that you feel you can't continue?

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow Wed 08-May-13 23:05:51

I work in a place where there are over 1500 employees and affairs are rife.

Men like yours seem to have an inbuilt radar for vulnerable women who will drop their knickers in exchange for a bit of flattery.

Your self esteem is obviously on the floor, work on that instead of working on how you can shag this loser and get away with it.

Fairenuff Wed 08-May-13 23:06:24

Did he tell you that he doesn't have sex with his wife? Do you believe him? A man that you know for a fact is willing to lie? Don't be fooled.

LookingForwardToMarch Wed 08-May-13 23:06:27

Try to think hard on that.

Will those 'feelings' still seem worth it when your explaining to your children where daddy has gone?

That is a very real risk and consequence of those 'feelings'

fieldfare Wed 08-May-13 23:06:28

Then leave him and find someone available to have those feelings with.

SacreBlue Wed 08-May-13 23:07:15

It is so long since I have felt anything but a thing. ironically since you know he's a cad, this is precisely what you are to him.

Just another thing to stick his thing in sad

Don't waste yourself in a seedy affair with some two bit player and making yourself into one too

Don't be that thing, be human and work out things on your own, with your DH, or with a counsellor.

QuintessentialOHara Wed 08-May-13 23:07:36

"We both intend to stay with our spouses, but neither of us have active sex lives within our marriage, "

Bla bla bla.

ontheprecipice Wed 08-May-13 23:09:27

Very scary.

I have thought about it.

Don't know how we'd manage though. Me and the children. Financially, it would be a nightmare. Hugely devastating for the children, and disruptive as schooling would have to change etc.

Biggest barrier for me is the thought that I would have to have time away from the children when they were at their Dad's. That is an intolerable thought. Unfathomable.

Like I said we don't really row. We co-operate pretty well day to day. Life is ok. He is not abusive. I couldn't imagine putting my children through a divorce because I am not fulfilled.

And yet.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Wed 08-May-13 23:09:43

How about having a bit of self respect? Is that all you're worth - linking about behind your husband's back for some cheap thrills?

Demand a better marriage for yourself or leave. It's the grown up, responsible thing to do. You have to be able to look yourself in the eye in that mirror with a bit of self-regard, surely?

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Wed 08-May-13 23:10:04


QuintessentialOHara Wed 08-May-13 23:10:25

And all for an illicit shag, eh?


thistlelicker Wed 08-May-13 23:10:41

Have your affair! Shatter your family, and there's! And fingers crossed it was worth it!

joanofarchitrave Wed 08-May-13 23:10:42

'If my DH even kissed another woman the trust would be gone on that alone.'

I still think there's a difference between a kiss and sex. I would bet that the OP's husband thinks so too.

'I know the next time we meet, we will probably end up sleeping together.'

So don't meet. Did you really expect any other response?

It sounds as if your marriage is on borrowed time. You need to go and tell your husband that things are as bad as this, while you can still look him straight in the eye.

HighJinx Wed 08-May-13 23:10:50

Either your marriage is bad enough to leave or good enough to stay.

You have no right to pick some other option based on lies and deceit.

Fairenuff Wed 08-May-13 23:10:55

You said that, apart from the dire sex life, everything else was good in the marriage. Now you say that your dh isn't around a lot and you are dissatisfied with this.

I think you and your dh need to talk properly about these very important relationship issues. With the help of a professional counsellor if necessary.

Cheating on him is not only papering over the cracks, it's knocking down the foundations of trust and respect.

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