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My partner just doesn't want sex

(15 Posts)
Jaq64 Wed 08-May-13 21:46:07

I have been with my partner for 18 months, for the first 3 months sex was constant ( as to be expected) he couldn't walk past me with leaping on me and made me feel the sexiest woman ever.....then it dwindled as normality took over bit(again to be expected), now it's once a fortnight if I'm lucky and even then it isn't making love. He just lies back and "thinks of england". He never kisses me, he just literally lies there and lets me do all the work!!
I have raised it may times as it's hurting me and he has now taken to retorting with " life isn't all romance and hearts" and it's you that has the problem.
I have no idea how to deal with it anymore. He has a 14 year son who does not live with us but stays twice a week (he separated from his ex 7 years ago) and he is obsessed with his son and is prone to low moods as he wants him with us all the time. He has now started to put his lack of sex drive down to feeling low. But the truth is he just can't be bothered. I'm 48 and he's is a gorgeous (to me) 53 year old.
Help....

Roshbegosh Wed 08-May-13 21:55:24

How is the relationship besides the sex?

Lweji Wed 08-May-13 22:02:57

Do his low moods affect your relationship?

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Thu 09-May-13 08:46:31

Get out now. Sorry, but I had a partner exactly like this. It was "bait and switch", plenty of sex to start with to "ensnare me" and then gradually it reduced (as one expects over time) but it dwindled to nothing. Admitted they had low sex drive.

Sorry, but I'm mid-30s, and I ain't giving up a sex life yet. If this is an issue for you, leave now, because I promise you, it won't be getting any better and you start to feel more and more unloved and undesired and your self-esteem will plummet.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 09-May-13 09:48:08

Run..

He lies there like a lump of lard, shows you zero interest, and it's you with the problem??? hmm What a nasty man.

Lavenderhoney Thu 09-May-13 10:54:02

It sounds like the relationship has run its course to me. He could go to the doctors and see if its medical, but I suspect he will blame you and you will end up more miserable.

Stop doing all the work. He still wants sex but only if he gets to lie there? No wonder you feel down.

Jaq64 Thu 09-May-13 15:00:15

He has low mood swings which he can't seem to snap out of and I try to talk him through it. He is a good, kind man in daily life although not naturally affectionate or demonstrative yet cuddles me when we are going to sleep, but doesn't ever want to take it further. He says he is unconfidant in bed, but that didn't seem to bother him at the beginning!!

hellsbellsmelons Thu 09-May-13 15:09:07

Listen to cogito, she's very wise!

Roshbegosh Thu 09-May-13 15:09:31

It's a personal decision but is there enough to compensate you for no more sex at only 48? If you are otherwise happy with him you might feel that it is worth it. I suppose it is time to think of what you are getting from the relationship and whether you were happier 18 months ago before you met. Sorry Jaq, rotten situation for you.

SugarandSpice126 Thu 09-May-13 15:37:36

Hope you're feeling ok - it's horrible to feel your partner doesn't want you. However, you say he is prone to low moods and blames this for his low sex drive. I suffer from depression, and when I have periods of low moods I don't want sex or much intimacy, there are no urges at all. Saying that, telling you it's your fault is absolutely not on. Sex is important and your feelings of not being wanted are extremely valid. If it really is just that he can't be bothered, then that is a serious problem in your relationship, and it needs discussing in detail. encourage him to go to gp/get support in a way that helps him. good luck

SugarandSpice126 Thu 09-May-13 15:40:12

and the lack of confidence in bed could also come from low moods. I obviously don't know the ins and outs of your case, but please don't dismiss the wide spread effects low mood can have. (though ignore me if you know 100% he's just using it as an excuse and really can't be bothered!)

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 09-May-13 17:32:19

Having low mood swings is fair enough... but then why blame you? Why not do something about the low mood swings instead? That's the real problem here. If he had terrible back pain and couldn't do much in the way of sex would you accept an excuse like 'it's not all romance and hearts' or would you expect him to say 'I need to see the doctor and get my back sorted out'?

Exactly.

So you've already spotted that he's lying about lacking confidence in bed. He's blaming you for something that might be fixed with a trip to the GP. I'm not seeing a 'kind' person here, I'm seeing a selfishly cold fish.

Jaq64 Fri 10-May-13 14:14:49

We're away for one night this weekend ( hotel and theatre package) so let's see.... Away from home, just the two of us ,hotel,theatre, meal and wine.
If it's a no go whilst we are spending quality time together. I will need to address it face on.

SugarandSpice126 Sun 12-May-13 02:30:58

Hope it went well!

Lucylloyd13 Sun 12-May-13 08:43:40

We all have sexual needs. If he cant meet them, for whatever reason, move on.

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