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My biological father and his family ... Am I being unreasonable?

(10 Posts)
PinkPerks Wed 08-May-13 20:51:03

Hi Lovely peeps x sorry this is a slightly long post .....

My DH and I will be trying for a family at the end of this year wink after we have become debt free and I (hopefully) would have had 3 clear test results after I had abnormal smear tests revealing CIB level 2 marks (pre-cancer cells).

Now I found my biological father (herby named the sperm-donor) after not having him in my life for nearly 17 years. I told him from the beginning that I was not looking for an automatic father and it would take time for us to get to know each other as people and I am a grown woman who will not be making demands from him. My mum has been both my mum and dad to me and has done a wonderful job with me and my brother.

Now in the last 13 years I have also had contact with his family and I really wish I hadn't. I have only had 3 visits in the last 13 years from the sperm donor, even though he lives 45 mins up the motorway. My grandparents only live in the next village. I have tried several times to call them and I have pulled my hair out with them. The longest phonecall was just over 2 mins and it mainly was about how my newphew was!

I got married 4 years ago which they knew about. As we were having a small do, we only had my mum/stepdad, brother and SIL, MIL & FIL, BIL & SIL plus my best friend and partner. My brother and sperm donor dont get on so he asked if he could not be invited but it was ok for the rest. As my brother far more important to me than the sperm donor, I agreed and said to my aunts/grandparents that if they wanted to come they are more than welcome but I would need them to paid for their own meal (£25 for 4 courses). They turned round and said to my mum that I did not invite them and I said they were NOT invited!
We were given a free minimoon from DH work :-D and was due to leave the next day but this was the same day as my grandads birthday. I was then called unreasonable for not delaying my honeymoon to Barcelona and should have gone to the BBQ! OMG!

Anyway, everytime I have tried to contact them, i.e, FB, email, phonecalls it is very strained and awkward. I must admit after 4 years of trying to keep contact and build a relationship I felt no connection and decided to draw a line under it all. As well as the issue of why dont you have kids yet (they knew about my treatments) they also said mmmm dont you think you should loose weight because we cant be seen with a fat grandkid!!!!!

I received a xmas card from the grandparents saying from ..... & ...., not love gran and grandad. This was the final straw as I always sent them a card love your eldest granddaughter x x I know what i did next was slightly childish but I returned it and said if you cant accept me as a grandchild then I refuse to acknowledge you as my grandparents.

I recieve a text from my aunt saying they do love you but they must have done your card by mistake. I then find out via FB my other cousins each received £250 cash and a card saying with love to our beloved granddaughter/son love gran and grandad xx (I have seen this card so know its not them winding me up)

My sperm-donor has not contacted me in over 2 years. He did not return any of my calls/texts/emails/letter so thought he had wiped his hands of me. Surprisingly I am not upset about him and could not honestly give two monkeys but my grandparents have made me feel awful and so unwanted by that side of the family.

I found out that the sperm-donor got married 2 days after my birthday 5 years ago, did not invite me or even tell me and his excuse was " I didnt want anything from my past to be there" OMG I am his 1st born child, have done all the running after he made the initial contact. He has 2 other children from his previous marriage who I have been informed dont want anything from him and have even changed their name and been "adpoted" by their stepdad.

Sorry this has turned into a really painful rant. My initial question is when we do have children, do I introduce them to my child? My DH says this could be a new chapter to restart the relationship but I feel if they cant be bothered with me for the last 13 years, why should I put our kids though it? What if they show interest then drop them like they have done with me?

Thanks for reading (if you have not fallen asleep lol) xx

fuzzywuzzy Wed 08-May-13 20:56:30

I'd stop all contact and just forget them all to be honest.

So far you seem to be doing the running around and trying to get them to want to be involved in your life.

Sod that.

Good luck with your future family.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 08-May-13 21:01:13

I would never introduce a child to such awful and disinterested people; what would they bring into your child's life anyway?. Disappointment and pain that's what. Your DH, nice as he is, likely comes from an emotionally healthy family which is fab but his view is idealistic at best and naïve at worst. He needs to be aware too that emotionally disinterested people like your biological dad's parents do not and will never play by the "normal" rules governing familial relations so "normal" rules here do not apply.

Your bio dad aka sperm donor and these people have not shown any interest, I doubt very much they will be at all bothered with any children you have. Surround these children instead with positive role models in their lives.

Roshbegosh Wed 08-May-13 21:01:20

No, no, no. Toxic shits. Start afresh without this legacy for your own family. All you need from them is to know any relevant medical history that might be in the family. Then leave them behind.

Roshbegosh Wed 08-May-13 21:02:36

Yes Atilla, positive role models, not rejection from the beginning

PinkPerks Wed 08-May-13 21:16:38

What also really annoys me is my darling little brother has the most scrummy little boy (I know I am totally biast being his aunt) and they cant get enough of him. Well they try but my brother has wiped his hands of them and returns gifts, cards etc etc. They dont bother with him just my nephew.

Loulybelle Wed 08-May-13 21:20:49

I agree with Attila, they just arent nice people, i wouldnt want them giving the negativity in any childs life. They wont enrich their lives, so i forget about them and move on.

PenelopePortrait Wed 08-May-13 21:22:55

It looks pretty clear that they aren't interested and, as painful as it is, if you feel unwanted then that is probably correct.

You can't make them want you or feel something for you. I think you should concentrate on your own life, your own family and forget them. They know where you are if they want to see you.

Do you really want yournDC to feel like you do? Because that's probably how it will end up.

ProphetOfDoom Wed 08-May-13 21:38:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy Wed 08-May-13 21:58:02

Look to your DH, your beloved real family and don't look back!

Leave these terrible idiots for dust!

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