I've namechanged but some of you may recognise some of this as it's nothing new. I just need to get it out and get some advice or even just some hairstroking because it's making me feel utterly wretched.
My mother and my sister seem to think they can just say anything they like to me, and they seem to rejoice in saying the most awful things.
What's kicked it off today for me is that I was away seeing friends this weekend, my mum phoned last night and did a 'how are the poor children' concerned question, I said, 'they're fine, had a lovely weekend with DH, did lots of fun stuff, I had a lovely weekend too, thanks for asking, it's a shame my friends live so far away and I can't see them more often'.
My mum repiled with, 'yes, you can't just abandon your family like that for a whole weekend again, especially on a Bank Holiday. It's not fair on anybody'.
WTF?
She was then really dismissive of anything else I said, just kept repeating that it was a terrible thing to have done, and I got off the phone and just cried.
I am around my children pretty much 24/7, by the way, I work from home and rarely have nights out (maybe three times a year). Not that I shoudl need to justify it, of course, but it was such an unfair and spiteful thing to say.
I was given a gift while I was away, something very beautiful and personal that my incredibly talented friend had made for me, and my sister phoned to tell me she didn't like it. Nothing else, just 'I saw the photo of it on FB and I have to say I really dont' like it'.
Well, no, you dont' 'have to say' that at all. No one has to say they dont' like something. I defended it, and myself, but then again got off the phone and just sobbed.
It's fairly constant. 'Your wallpaper's peeling there', 'Ooooh that's a hideous spot', 'Have you lost weight, you look really gaunt', 'You've put weight on, you need to diet'.
Then there's the more things like how I parent, or it's no surprise DD has the issues she has, or 'funny' jokes about my house being a candidate for How Clean Is Your House.
Whenever I decorate or move furniture around or put up a new picture, they come to my house and slag it off. It's like a complusion. When I decorated my bathroom my mum SNORTED at me and said, 'what's the point, you won't keep it tidy'. My house is fine and normal by the way, both Mum and sister live in minimalist white boxes.
I would never say anything negative to either of them. My sister is actually quite needy in that respect and takes criticism terribly: my mum once mentioned that she looked a bit porky and she went on a crash diet and lost two stone straight away. Mum never usually makes digs like that to her, it was a one off and she hasn't repeated it.
My mum has an awful relationship with her Dad, and is always telling me about the horrible digs and nasty things he says, she just doesn't seem to make the connection between that and how she treats me.
Any time I've brought any of this up, it's laughed off. I'm accused of beingt oversensitive and that they 'only say things out of concern' or that 'Oh it's just what I'm like, ignore me'.
I am just completely out of energy for it. I don't know how to process what they say, because it DOES get to me, and I do take it to heart despite knowing I shouldn't.
Cutting them out is not an option, they both live a few doors away and
the benefits of having them in our lives still, just, outweigh the nasty digs. But I am exhausted and so sad.
Thanks for reading, I know this is a bit epic.
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Horrible negative comments from family
TwoFourSixOhOne · 08/05/2013 08:12
I think you need to learn to ignore. You can't change others or how they speak to you, but you can change the way you react to it. My mum was similar, when I told her I had bought my wedding dress the only question was, what size is it? ...oh you will never fit into that 
Anything negative now is met with " that's a shame nevermind " repeated like a broken record, she is a lot better now she thinks I don't give a shit.
Have you thought about councilling or even an assertiveness course to help you deal with it?.
[tea] 
You need to go on the attack. Give them a taste of their own medicine. As well as using all the responses Cogito says. If you are lucky they will start to leave you alone. I would start by slagging of their white boxes and take it from there. Breeze in for a cuppa, take a jumper out of your back "It is always so cold and soulless in here"......etc
To add to Cogito, you could also end the convo by saying "Anyway, I HAVE to say I've decided you shouldn't come here any more because you really don't like my home, my taste in clothes/music/decor/anything or my company. Oh, and by the way, DH is OUR children's father, not a live in babysitter and he can have them to himself for a weekend any time he wants." Turn it around and start laughing at them - in front of them.
I have a MIL and an ex-mother, both of whom are similarly quite nasty in their own ways so I have every sympathy for you! Here's your mantra: 'I don't need your shit.'
The ex-mother is not dead - I cut her out if my life because of the way she treated me and because of the detrimental effect she had on my marriage and my relationship with my newborn DD. She was the first person EVER to slap DS and actively encouraged us to do it too he was 2.
I have a sister that does this. Me & my husband make a joke of it now. Before she comes round we guess which thing in our house she'll slag off and we take bets. It means I'm delighted when she criticises my cutlery/rugs/new anything as I guessed it. DH is rubbish at the game tho occasionally gets the odd thing 
I think you just have to not care. Hard, I know. But you've challenged it and got nowhere.
If you don't want to cut them out of your life altogether then you need to emotionally disengage. Do not defend yourself as then they know they've wound you up - take a leaf out of the teenager's book and learn MEH or WHATEVER - accompanied with a dismissive shrug - maddening 
Alternatively you can say 'that's just your opinion' then shrug and smile.
Basically IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE - they will stop when you don't react. It helps to challenge them in your head with a phrase like 'this is rubbish' whenever the nastiness starts. That stops you giving any value to their words - it takes practice but you can learn to let their negative comments just roll off you like water from a duck's back.
Loads of sympathy for you OP. Sounds very much like my family. Lots of judging, ridiculing, negativity, put downs, being told I'm 'too sensitive' and that I should just 'ignore' things. It's infuriating and really upsetting. It really does sound like this is 100% their problem and not yours. How would you feel if a friend told you that their mum or sister was treating them in this way? I find it easier to be kind to other people than myself sometimes and it helps to externalise it!
I can also relate to your feelings of always being the one to have to give in, and your physical reactions of feeling tearful, sick and shaky. This is horribly hurtful stuff and I would imagine it makes you feel extremely angry but unsure of what to do with those feelings. You are entitled to feel upset, there is no 'right' way to feel about this.
I do agree with other posters who suggested disengaging from them emotionally. The problem is that these are close family members, not noisy neighbours, so disengaging takes a huge amount of energy and time. Would you consider visiting a counsellor or therapist? I see a therapist weekly and it's incredibly painful but it's helping me so much to get to the root of the problems with my family and to stop blaming myself.
I'm sorry you're going through this - keep posting
Lots of x-posts.
Thank you so much for all your posts, it really helps just to talk it through, DH is brilliant at this but he's at work.
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