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please tell me how to help my son

(22 Posts)
2plus5andcounting Tue 07-May-13 20:14:37

ds married 21 yrs found wife having an affair in jan, this broke up and now she is on dating and laughing about on fb with her friends and leaving it for ds to see. Both their dc are devastated as is my son. He feels 21yrs have gone for nothing as he will end up with not enough money to buy a decent house for himself and children to come and stay. I am sure he is not perfect but he also does not deserve the abusive treatment she is giving him. He is here with us tonight as can only sleep on sofa at his house as hse wont let him tale turn about with their bed. Should I advise him to come here all the time and pay her the money he needs to or should he stay there as he wants to do to be with the dc who are 18 & 15 and taking exams which he coaches them for. At risk of sounding like a toxic all about me parent it is simply that I cant bear to see him so dreadfully upset and hurting. Please help me help him and thanks for reading

EllaFitzgerald Tue 07-May-13 22:15:19

I'd be advising him to get some legal advice before he makes any decisions one way or the other.

FarBetterNow Tue 07-May-13 22:15:57

I know it hurts a lot, seeing your DC being badly treated by their partner.

He needs to see a solicitor asap.

Re sleeping: how far away do you live from his house?
Is the sofa comfortable at his house?

herladyship Tue 07-May-13 22:22:15

not much practical advice but have some thanks

it's horrible to see your children unhappy, whatever age they are! Sounds like he's lucky to have you for support, hope things turn around for him soon

WafflyVersatile Tue 07-May-13 23:43:05

I'd advise him to defriend her on facebook so he can't see what she's up to.

Sorry he's in such a rotten situation.

Mimishimi Wed 08-May-13 03:19:18

So she was having an affair and then she br

Mimishimi Wed 08-May-13 03:21:00

So she was having an affair and then she broke up with that bloke to go on Your son sounds like he is well-rid ...

Thumbwitch Wed 08-May-13 03:25:12

I'd advise him to stay in the house whenever possible just now, until he has seen a solicitor and got some kind of settlement underway. I'd also advise him to get a sofabed if he can afford it so he can sleep better, as a short term solution to the problem!

So sorry he's going through this, what a horrible situation. If your son is doing the primary caring for his children at the moment, why can't his wife leave? Sounds like she's the one on the look out for something new.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 08-May-13 07:24:24

He needs legal advice, financial advice and he needs to get started making the split permanent. If living in his home is being made intolerable and if she won't leave, then he should move out rather than stick around to be insulted and upset. He can process the divorce from a different location and it won't make much of a difference to the outcome. Do help him see that there is more to a good life than a 'decent house'. I'm sure his DCs are old enough to understand what's going on and will be quite happy visiting Dad anywhere he chooses to set-up... whether that's at your house or whether he rents somewhere temporarily.

No, it's not fair, but rather than getting mad or getting depressed, he needs to get things moving.

happyAvocado Wed 08-May-13 07:24:40

I guess he may find this thread helpful with good advice:

2plus5andcounting Wed 08-May-13 08:36:32

sorry not to have said thanks earlier all hell broke lose here last night with her ringing up demanding he go back to stay with dgs so she could go off with another bloke. Ended up at 11.45 with us going to pick him up - he has a serious illness and can't be left alone. All this is doing no one any good at all. Again thanks for replies

happyAvocado Wed 08-May-13 08:41:48

are you saying that your DS can't be left alone looking after his kids?

BlissfullyIgnorant Wed 08-May-13 09:37:03

Don't ask us - ask HIM if he needs anything!

annh Wed 08-May-13 09:50:16

I think OP might mean her grandson can't be left alone, otherwise post doesn't make sense as her son was already at her house, hence the phone call demanding his return?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 08-May-13 09:59:33

They need to have a pretty serious conversation about their children. If there are exams and one of the children has a serious illness meaning they can't be left alone, they have to come up with something responsible between them for managing that. The STBXW seems to be off on some de-mob happy, 'recapturing lost youth' kick at the moment which isn't addressing any of that. Perhaps your DS could sell it to her that it's better she leaves, gets her own place, has 100% freedom to do as she wishes, drops all the responsibilities and lets him take up the parenting role in its entirety?

2plus5andcounting Wed 08-May-13 13:34:37

no my ds is fine looking after the children it was just that as when he is at theirs she shouts and screams all the time that he was with us and felt if he went back there it would all kick off again which is why older dgc went to her friends for the night leaving the sick one who requires medication etc on regular basis alone if she went out, which is why we went to collect him. The annoying thing is her parents live around the corner from them but is not to be told how she is behaving so is unable to help dgc when things like this happen. She works from home so can't really leave the parental home. I am asking him what we can do to help but he would have taken her back after the first man but really only realised yesterday that everything of his life has gone and there will not be lots of cash in order to start again

Thumbwitch Wed 08-May-13 14:00:45

When you say she works from home and therefore can't really leave, why not? Unless she has a home studio/specially built area with special facilitiles for her job, of course? I mean if it's just a "working on a computer from home" sort of job then she could set that up elsewhere.

Seems a bit rough that your son hasn't done anything wrong yet is the one to lose everything...

So, would he be prepared to take over as primary carer? That way he'd be more likely to be awarded the house etc. in a divorce.

happyAvocado Wed 08-May-13 14:38:18

is not to be told how she is behaving so is unable to help dgc

what do you mean - that her parents don't know anything about whats' going on?

daisydoodoo Wed 08-May-13 14:41:54

i agree, your ds should be doing all he can do keep the house and custody of the children.

There is no reason why she should have custody over their father.

DameFanny Wed 08-May-13 14:43:20

Tell her parents - why should any of you conspire to save her face?

2plus5andcounting Wed 08-May-13 18:16:24

without being too specific an seperate area of the house is set up for her job - not computer or something that can be done elsewhere. She dosn't want her parents to know the break up is due to her infidelity and my ds feels if we speak to her parents it will only push her into even more unstable behaviour!! He has seen a solicitor regarding payments etc but she is refusing to do anything towards releasing funding from the jointly owned house. Perhaps my son needs to file for divorce siting infidelity to save waiting 2 yrs and then the house release will move ahead regardless. She can afford to let ds have some money from house is just refusing to do so. Thanks for all your kind offers of help

Thumbwitch Thu 09-May-13 00:18:50

Yes your son needs to file for divorce citing infidelity! And why on earth should her parents be kept in the dark? It's directly affecting their grandchildren as well!

I think your son is rather too scared of his wife as things stand - time he tried to take back a measure of control of the situation, move things forward.

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