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I feel like a mug

(16 Posts)
SKa1 Tue 07-May-13 17:14:00

I have been with my partner for over 8 years.
He has been married previously and has two sons from that relationship which I adore and have a fantastic relationship with.
At the start we had a bumpy ride neither of us feeling like the other was fully committed but eventually we matured and bought a house together and shortly afterward I fell pregnant (planned) our DD is a welcome addition to the family unit and is adored by her big brothers.

The problem I have is when she was about 5 months old before I returned back to work I found a video on our laptop of my partner and another woman in a hotel room
I didn't see anything happen apart from flirting and chatting as the video was switched off.

I was absolutely devastated and felt as if the bottom had fallen out of my world, being a new mum with a 5 month old made me feel even more vulnerable. I left for a couple of weeks, them returned and forgave him on the basis that this event occurred prior to our daughter being conceived. As you can expect it has taken time to rebuild the trust and felt we were finally back to normal.

Until last weekend when I went to pay our council tax on line and found his private email account open and yes I confess I snooped. I found emails from last year when my daughter had just turned 1. The emails where very explicit to and from a woman.
He has completely denied anything actually went on blah blah his defence is he is just a stupid bloke.

I still love him but don't feel like being intimate with this person anymore because I have no trust.

If I leave he has said he will probably work abroad permanently and will see hardly anything of all 3 of the children, as he said he won't be able to cope.
We live on the outskirts of London but I'm not sure I could afford to stay if we separate and would like to stay south but my family are in Yorkshire and it would be easier for me to be closer to them.
He has already said he is keeping the house as he has contributed the most and we are not married so this would fall under land law.
But most importantly I'm worried about taking a father away from my daughter as he is a very good father and gets very involved with his children. Do I live a lie.
I know these are just two things I have discovered but guess there is much I don't know about too.
I feel like a mug but I'm scared to leave and break up everyone's lives by my actions. I know it's his actions that have caused this but we have grandparents, and her brothers nearby all of them will be devastated if I leave.

Loulybelle Tue 07-May-13 17:22:07

He has completely denied anything actually went on blah blah his defence is he is just a stupid bloke.

Is that the best excuse he has? Because its a stupid excuse.

I think yes you are being taken for a mug, because he got forgiven last time and obviously hasnt learnt his lesson.

Dont let him guilt you into forgiving him, why should you accept, a selfish lying cheat as the man you want to spend your life with.

Loulybelle Tue 07-May-13 17:24:12

Oh and you wont be breaking up the family, hes just doesnt love it enough to keep it together, and see a solicitor about what happens with the house.

BerylStreep Tue 07-May-13 17:36:39

He is being completely manipulative, and trying to lay the blame at your feet. Why does he have to work abroad? To punish you? To control you with the threat so you won't leave?

A good family law solicitor can advise you.

Vivacia Tue 07-May-13 17:52:36

A few thoughts:

His comment about his behaviour being due to him being a man is obviously complete nonsense. Most men are honest and trustworthy and reliable and faithful despite being male(!). Perhaps his behaviour is down to something else, eh?

As for not being able to cope, tough, he'll just have to. I am fairly certain he can't kick you out of the house. The law takes in to account the non-financial contributions partners make, such as caring for the children so the other partner can work and earn money towards the mortgage. See a lawyer and find out what the facts are.

Finally, you are not breaking up a family. His behaviour has done that and if you feel he's not left you with any choice, than he hasn't.

It sounds as though you'd like to continue living where you are but not have an intimate relationship with him. Why don't you do that?

GilmoursPillow Tue 07-May-13 17:53:27

YOU are not taking a father away from his daughter, and YOU are not breaking up everyone's lives by your actions.
HE's the one breaking things.

SKa1 Tue 07-May-13 20:40:19

Thank you everyone for taking the time to advise. I really appreciate that.
In terms of legal advice, I went to see a lawyer last time and your right I don't think he could turf me out but as we are not married land law will apply and time taken out to look after our daughter etc will not be taken into account the only thing taken into account will be mortgage payments I have made and contributions towards the deposit on the house.
Fortunately the children's act will be taken into account therefore CSA and assistance with provision of a home that he may own.
I am currently seeking a lawyer for a second opinion.

I can't stay here and not be in an intimate relationship with he would never allow that I don't want the flat mate scenario either.
What I would really like to do is leave but be able to maintain the relationship with my daughters half brothers and also for her relationship with her father to be maintained but at the same time know the split will be made difficult by him and would therefore like my family with me for support but that's the problem when you move away from home and set up life elsewhere.

badinage Tue 07-May-13 20:48:33

First off, these are just the two occasions when you caught him at it. There are likely to be more that you don't know about.

If he emigrates and leaves his children behind, that will be his choice and nothing you do or have done has any bearing on that. Seeing his children and being near them is his responsibility.

If he's already making financial threats, make sure you get very good legal advice.

Depending on how old your stepsons are and if they have access to skype/mobile phones, it should be possible to keep in touch with them. Do you have a good relationship with their mum as if you do, this will help?

This relationship is over. It should have been over when you found the first lot of trouble because he wasn't in the least bit contrite or penitent and it's clear it was all brushed under the carpet, but don't make that mistake twice.

LessMissAbs Wed 08-May-13 06:34:21

Its in his character and he will do it again because he isn't sorry for his actions. Some behaviour you can explain due to immaturity but this doesn't apply here. It will drain you and I don't see what you're getting out of it, except to be more and more emeshed with a man you're not even married to. He wants the security of living with someone while messing around with other women.

In terms of legal advice, I went to see a lawyer last time and your right I don't think he could turf me out but as we are not married land law will apply and time taken out to look after our daughter etc will not be taken into account the only thing taken into account will be mortgage payments I have made and contributions towards the deposit on the house

So get your money back! Deposit contribution and mortgage payments - that's a lot more than many people do. How much of the mortgage and deposit did you pay? Are you on the title deeds or not? If not, you should still be entitled to get back what you paid in as long as you can prove it (bank records, etc), minus any pro rata losses or plus any gains since then.

You realise you could make his life quite uncomfortable by insisting on being paid back, as he might be put into a position of selling his house to do so, depending on his financial situation.

pregnantpause Wed 08-May-13 06:54:49

I'm sorry you're in this position. He is not sorry obviously, and I agree these are the occasions he's been caught. He has no respect for you and is a manipulative bastard. 'no choice but to move abroad' well if I were you I would be letting him know that infidelity leaves me with 'no choice but to leave'
You probably won't get everything you want- relationship with brothers, father, house, amicable split etc.
I would suggest seeing another solicitor, working out your best position in terms of the house and start proceedings. How he reacts, what he does can then determine what you do next. If his threats were just that, and deep down he actually loves his dd and puts her needs first then hopefully, you and he can work around that. If he turns out to be a selfish and vindictive twat that is happy to fail his children, go home, back to your family, start again. It shouldn't take him long to show which road he will take.

happyAvocado Wed 08-May-13 07:15:42

Someone on another thread posted this link which covers what you should look into:

good luck!

Vivacia Wed 08-May-13 07:57:40

Having caught up with the thread, I'm still feeling angry on your behalf.

diddl Wed 08-May-13 08:30:07

How is he a good father?

He has told you that if you leave he'll go abroad & not see his children again!

I doubt it, but a shame you didn't tell him to fuck off, then!

rambososcar Wed 08-May-13 09:12:02

"I can't stay here and not be in an intimate relationship with he would never allow that".

SKa1, what do you mean, "he would never allow that"? How do you think he would make you have an intimate relationship with him?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 08-May-13 09:32:33

You sound so defeated and sad. I personally couldn't stand this but if you feel the benefits of staying with him outweigh all the nice, normal feelings associated living with a decent honourable person then stay where you are and lump it. Sexless or not this relationship will come at a heavy cost. I just think you might die a little every time you wonder where he is and what he's up to, sorry.

SKa1 Wed 08-May-13 16:58:23

I do feel very low and defeated. The emotional energy used on this stuff has left me drained and devoid of feeling. I know the writings on the wall.
But all your comments and advice have really helped.
This is the first time I have used mumsnet talk and it really helps in these situations when often you can't or don't want to discuss it with family and friends mainly because you feel its all too embarrassing but we shouldn't and we should reach out for that support. Perhaps if we were more public they would think twice about doing it. Thank you again for all posts. :-)

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