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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DP feels hard done by... I've had enough!!

21 replies

ruledbyheart · 07/05/2013 14:46

So fed up, DP feels he has no time to himself and I'm fed up of the arguements, He works 4/5 evenings a week but other than that all he is asked to do is the school runs as I can't drive the car, he goes to the gym after the morning school run several times a week and has all day to do as he pleases.

Once a week I ask him to take me food shopping.

I work 2 evenings a week from home and one night out of the house (he does drive me to and from as I cannot possibly get there otherwise).

I have 3 DCs and am 6mths pregnant with his child, he doesn't do any child care as I still co parent with EXH.

The only housework that is asked of him is washing up and emptying the bins however he rarely does those.

I'm sick of his whining I don't leave the house other than to do the shopping or walk the dog, he has a dog too and I do most of th3 care for his too as he says he doesn't have time.

I'm just so fed up I can't see how he can complain of having no me time when I don't either, my worry is he is complaining now what is he going to be like after the baby arrives.

I think this could be the end and I have no idea how to solve this, I've told him to quit whining and if he doesn't like it to just leave but he doesn't want to, I can't take any more.
Yesterday I asked him why he is so miserable and he replied he has nothing to be happy about.

Be honest with me, I need to leave don't I?

OP posts:

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/05/2013 14:51

Yes. He's clearly got his heels well and truly dug in for the long haul even though he has 'nothing to be happy about' . He's not taking you seriously and he has no intention of changing his carefully executed schedule of various non-activities. So leave him to the misery he so clearly enjoys and get yourself and your DCs away for a while... or for ever. Then he'll have all the time to himself he could possibly want.

Win-win :)

BenjaminButton172 · 07/05/2013 15:09

Yes i think u need to leave him. He doesnt sound like hes not interested in being involved in family life. You dont need someone like that hanging about when u will have a baby & other dc to look after.

Fairylea · 07/05/2013 15:12

He's missing being single. He's an arse. Sorry. I'd leave.

ruledbyheart · 07/05/2013 15:23

That's what I'm thinking the problem is he has had two years to adjust to the stresses that come with family life, not having any me time etc and he just can't seem to deal with it, don't get me wrong I understand my dc aren't his to deal with and I try to give him his time but I'm starting to resent the whining when I don't get me time myself.

I have spoken to him but it just causes an argument as I apparently don't want to listen to his feelings, I do listen I just don't think he is right.

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geologygirl · 07/05/2013 15:31

Well if you do listen to him, how does he want it to be? What does he want to change exactly? What are his solutions in terms of creating extra time for himself?

pollywollydoodle · 07/05/2013 15:33

he is an arse

but why not learn to drive ?

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 07/05/2013 15:34

I do listen I just don't think he is right.

Are you waiting for one of you to be convinced by the other? Stop waiting. You think he is wrong - you are entitled to think that. He thinks he doesn't need to lift much of a finger - he is entitled to think that (even though it makes him an arse). He doesn't want to change. You can't make him see things your way.

Yes, it's time to leave.

ruledbyheart · 07/05/2013 15:35

Pass I don't even think he knows, unless there is more hours in the day then I don't see how he can fit in more free time, maybe he could shorten his 1.5hr bath but then that may mean I get more than 10 mins in it before I have to go to work.

sorry I sound bitter... I am, He whines but doesn't have any suggestions, he is an arse recently and with my hormones and uncomfortable baby bump I have had more than enough.

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ruledbyheart · 07/05/2013 15:36

I am learning to drive but can't take my test until after the baby is born as I can't do an emergency stop and they can still ask me to do one regardless of pregnancy.

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Fairylea · 07/05/2013 15:38

"My dc aren't his to deal with"...

Well I think that's some of the issue. You're family. He's a step parent - especially if you have a baby on the way together. He SHOULD be involved in your dcs lives and you shouldn't make excuses for him by saying they're not his.

I have a dd aged 10 from a previous relationship much like your dp now. I left. I am now married, dh and I have a ds together and dh treats dd like his own. No difference between dd and ds at all.

catsmother · 07/05/2013 15:42

Are you absolutely sure re: the emergency stop thing ? Admittedly it was many years ago but I passed when I was 30 weeks gone and definitely did one, with absolutely no harm done.

ruledbyheart · 07/05/2013 15:44

Catsmother, its a high risk pregnancy so its not recommended unfortunately, makes life harder as I could then have some independence without having to ask permission to go somewhere.

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catsmother · 07/05/2013 15:46

Oh I see, obviously you don't want to risk it then. Bummer, as you say, your independence can't come soon enough.

tomverlaine · 07/05/2013 15:53

I sympathise totally-DP is always complaining about lack of me time (I work full time he works a couple of hours a week in the evening) -DS is in childcare for 3 days. I think it is because pre DS he had more me time so it feels bad now.
With your DH is the problem his whinging or do you want him to do more? have you asked him to suggest positively what he wants?

WafflyVersatile · 07/05/2013 15:55

Can you fill in a schedule for each of you with what each of you do over the course of a week to give both of you (him) an idea of what is actually happening rather than each other's perceptions?

Could he be depressed? He should be excited about becoming a dad, surely.

WarmFuzzyFun · 07/05/2013 16:15

He sounds like hard work TBH. He is emotionally immature and selfish.

I agree with posters above who say that he should be looking after/helping out regardless of whether they are his children or not.

So he doesn't have any or much interaction with your DCs? How could you you think this would be okay? You come with children, he is supposed to be integrated into the family, but instead he is more of another child.

Whining?WTF. I know that I wouldn't put up with that BS.

ruledbyheart · 07/05/2013 16:20

I have asked him what he wants and he doesn't know, he wants more time for himself but I don't know what else to suggest because between the hours of 9-3 everyday he can do what he likes after the afternoon school run he eats and gets ready for work.
I don't see how 6 hours a day isn't enough when I don't get 1 hour.

Its already been written down during school hours I have the housework and I'm looking after dc3 when dc are all home I am looking after them.
DP on the other hand is at the gym or out in his shed building computers or doing his own thing.

I'm just fed up of it, admittedly when EXH is looking after DC then me and DP do spend time together and I can go do the shopping.

DP is depressed and I think thats a big part of it, he has also ran out of medication and hasn't bothered getting more as "he hasn't had time to go to the doctors", however harsh it seems though its not my problem and I can only do so much to support him when he doesn't help himself by allowing his meds to run out.

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ruledbyheart · 07/05/2013 16:26

Think I just have to bite the bullet and end it, when he first moved in he wanted to do the family things but I think the novelty ran out and the reality isn't much fun, I gave him plenty of chances to leave if he wasn't happy but he said this is what he wanted now 6mths into me being pregnant he isn't happy - little bit late now!

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unapologetic · 07/05/2013 21:33

I agree it looks like he doesn't want to be part of a family. He is sounding resentful even though he has got it cushy. However I would have thought it would be difficult for you to split up at this stage. How much support would you have if you were on your own?

betterthanever · 07/05/2013 22:07

How old is he? he sounds very immature and unsupportive - has he any idea how much he will not have time to himself when his own child arrives? You are brave thinking of going it alone but I doubt he will do much for you anyway. I'm so sorry to hear things are working out like this.

ruledbyheart · 08/05/2013 13:45

Well I sat down and had a long talk with DP last night, I told him exactly what I thought and he can see my point, I think he just needs to manage his time better,not be given more time.

He has made another doctors appointment and we will see how he is when back on his medication.
I made it clear that I won't put up with his behaviour and if he carries on he will be leaving as I have had enough.

I am fine by myself my EXH is a great dad so I have some support there and I have done it with 3 by myself so 4 won't make much difference, thankfully financially it wont be a huge difference and I can still work from home.

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