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Partner lying to me about porn use

(9 Posts)
NewNameForTheDay Tue 07-May-13 12:10:23

I am so upset. I just need some advice please. Have namechanged as am pretty embarrassed by it all.

I have been with DP for over 10 years, we live together and have just started TTC. I have PCOS so have always been conscious that it may not happen quickly for us, or maybe not at all.
Our relationship is, on a whole good and he tells me he loves me often and does nice things for me.
But our sex life is not good. We were going months between having sex. It's was not helped by the fact I have been depressed and the medication pretty much killed my sex drive. But I made the effort to initiate sex even though I wasn't really that bothered, for his sake and for the intimacy.

We talked and it turns out he had been wanking to porn every single day. Not just once in a while, every day so whenever he was with me, he didn't want sex.

I am not against porn, I told him I would be fine if he used it once in a while as long as our sex life was healthy.
So he PROMISED me he would stop and we would concentrate on getting us back on track. I've asked him a few times if he has been watching it, he keeps saying no. We have been having more sex and he seems to be more interested in me, gets an erection as soon as I touch him etc.

But for some reason I just didn't trust that he has stopped, we keep having sex and he can't ejaculate. So this morning I checked his computer history and there are links to porn sites pretty much daily, he has lied to me and then when I asked him outright, lied to me again.
He's wanking to porn every day and won't even try to fix our sex life.

As I said, if our sex life was healthy, I would let him get on with it, but its not and I feel so sidelined. He says he wants a baby but how can he really if he won't even have sex with me rather than watching some woman on the computer?

I'm tempted to text him (he's at work, I have today off) telling him I know and that I'm not happy, or should I wait til he gets home and have it out as soon as he was in?
I'm just so confused. I love him but if we can't have a baby together, I don't know if what we have is enough. I'm 30 but the way, he's 38 so the bastard should know better!!!,

Sorry for the rambling...

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 07-May-13 12:19:58

Lying is always a tough one to come back from. Once you've lost trust in your partner, what's the point? Even if he never used porn again from this point you'd be constantly suspicious, checking up and so on. That's no way to live. I'd send him a message at work, let him sweat (and work out a few excuses, of course) and then have a serious conversation later about how there is no future in a relationship with a liar.

AuntieStella Tue 07-May-13 12:25:27

You don't have to be 'cool' about porn, especially when you see it having an adverse impat on your sex life.

If he won't limit it, then you need to think about asking him to stop.

And start thinking now about if it's a deal breaker if he doesn't.

And I agree with CES, the lies are the bigger deal.

badinage Tue 07-May-13 12:36:14

No texting. This is a face to face conversation.

I think there are three issues here. His lying, his porn addiction and your relationship overall.

The first two are self-explanatory, but sex is a really big part of a relationship and it sounds like even without the porn and various illnesses, it had got a bit crap. That might be because he's been a much longer-standing porn loser than you thought and they don't make for good lovers, or because both of you have failed to give it a high priority.

But there's no way I'd be TTC with this bloke, for all the reasons above.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 07-May-13 12:37:34

Sounds like he is experiencing typical side effects from heavy porn use -e.g ED, lack of ejaculation, lack of desire for real life sex etc. interesting link to read

There are also links between porn use and sex infidelity.

For some women, porn is a deal breaker - not just because it damages relationships, but also because it objectifies women, and is part of a sex industry that is responsible for the abuse of vulnerable and trafficked women.

AnAirOfHope Tue 07-May-13 12:42:11

I would not have a child with a person that lies to me and is not part of a team with me.

Babies are hard work with no sleep and no time for yourself and your relationship and crakes in a relationship become huge. I would not go into that with a person i know lies and is not on the same page.

OxfordBags Tue 07-May-13 14:27:36

I would not have a child with a man who a) lied to me, b) put his selfish needs above my needs and our supposedly shared goal of TTC, c) preferred wanking over pictures of god knows what to actually sharing intimacy with another person (a red flag for how limited in empathy and respect, IMO), d) what it says about his feelings about women and I would also personally add e) him using porn that much full stop, because I find any man who can get off on porn disgusting, inadequate and immoral. Because unless it's just yer mild tits n bits shots, the majority of porn features desperately unhappy and coerced women and girls with personal histories of abuse. Am sure people will come on here to call this bullshit, but the stats from every study on porn which prove this exist, regardless. Why would you demean yourself to be with a man who finds that acceptable, never mind arousing?

Porn addicts are very hard to cure. It is a massive modern epidemic destroying swathes of relationships and families. It would be irresponsible of you both to bring a child into a family where this dark shadow hangs, as it is irresponsible to being any child into a family where one parent is an addict (and at least woth drugs, say, it's not displaying a worrying attitude towards other humans).

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 07-May-13 14:51:05

Whether it's "mild" tits and bits shots or hard-core doesn't matter, it isn't promising if your 'D'P lies and dismisses your concerns.

He may have thought while your sex-drive diminished during your anti-depression, he was entitled to some self-help, even when you tried to keep that side of your relationship going. But that's over now, and you need to feel you are both on the same page, so try and talk it over tonight. If you do get pregnant there will be so many physical and hormonal changes, the last thing you'll want is anything to chip away at your self-confidence or reduce your trust in him.

NewNameForTheDay Tue 07-May-13 19:21:43

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I have a lot to think about.

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