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Please tell me this could be innocent?

(19 Posts)
LookForwardNotBack Tue 07-May-13 09:41:46

This is my first post in relationships, serial lurker but never thought I’d ever need to post myself.

My DP and I have been together for nearly 3 years, a very happy relationship, saving for a house and talking about getting married and having DC in the future (I have a DD from a previous relationship) I absolutely love him with my heart and soul and genuinely felt the feeling was mutual. Now I’m having doubts.

I’ll try and keep this brief but I’m so confused at the moment and really don’t know where to turn.

The intimacy level between us has slowly declined in the past year or so, he has told me in the past that his stressful job leads him to not always have the energy so I’ve tried not putting pressure on him as well as a range of other things (losing weight, making sure I look after myself etc) to try and gently encourage him.
After another recent dry spell (2 months) it’s lead to me feeling very insecure and doubting my own attractiveness, I just don’t know where I’m going wrong. I’ve also got an inkling he might be into porn, but he’s lied to me about this fact if so.

On Saturday he went out and left his work phone at home, I suddenly felt compelled to look at it – I don’t know why, I’ve never felt the need to check his phone before.

I found a text message from a month ago, most of the conversation is deleted but a message from another man saying “Thanks but I’m really happy and settled so not gonna happen x” that was at 9 o clock (not sure if am or pm) then at 1.48 (am I assume) he’s replied saying “sure? X” and then another 10 mins later saying “awake? X” and that’s the end of the conversation.

I’ve had a million and questions going through my head, the main one being can this be innocent? I so want it to be.

Please can you help me work out if I’m just going crazy and reading too much into this? If it’s innocent then it just seems odd, why text back at that time of night (it was a night out where he didn’t get in until past 2am) what else could it mean?

And if it’s not then I suppose I could ignore it as clearly nothing has happened but then I’m thinking, is this the first time? And what if this man had said yes?

I’m literally going from one minute convincing myself I’m crazy to the next convincing myself there is no way this can be innocent.

Please help me figure this out, I love this man with all my heart, sorry this has been so long.

LokiTheCynicalCat Tue 07-May-13 09:49:09

Are you sure it's a man?

Just because the number is stored as a man's name, doesn't mean it isn't a woman...

LunaticFringe Tue 07-May-13 09:51:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sassy34264 Tue 07-May-13 09:54:17

I have no idea if it is innocent or not, but the actual words in the texts don't suggest anything untoward, it's just the way you could interpret them.

Thanks but I’m really happy and settled so not gonna happen

Could be about moving job. Could be about moving house


It could be about starting an affair.

You just can't tell from so little evidence.

PeppermintPasty Tue 07-May-13 09:58:37

My gut would tell me something was up, what made you check his phone do you think? The dry spell?

I would just ask him, see how he reacts.

LookForwardNotBack Tue 07-May-13 09:59:28

That's just it, am I just sending myself crazy because of the rejection I've been getting on the sexual side of things. The name saved is a mans name, of course no guarantee it is a man.

jayho Tue 07-May-13 10:00:44

Call the number?

LookForwardNotBack Tue 07-May-13 10:05:51

Yes it's gone from a few times a week to once a week to once a month. If I try it on I usually get grunted at and it's just made me feel unwanted. Every other side of the relationship is great and very tactile and loving. Yesterday he showed me a photo and when I started looking through the rest he got panicky and almost angry and demanded the phone back, not before I'd seen a picture of a top less woman in amongst the photos, was from the Internet I think but it still hurt when he's told me in
The past he doesn't use porn. I also borrowed his phone to google something a few weeks ago and the browser was on a porn site, he said it was a pop up.

Pantone363 Tue 07-May-13 10:15:49

Dial 141 from your house phone then the number. See if a man or woman answers.

These things rarely turn out to be innocent, is sorry but generally you aren't the exception to the rule. Combined with lack of intimacy (and stress at work is a common excuse) I'd be prepared for bad news.

Pantone363 Tue 07-May-13 10:17:39

I meant to say hang up if anyone answers but a lot of people won't answer to a withheld number which is better because you get voicemail and usually a name.

Pantone363 Tue 07-May-13 10:18:56

The fact that he deleted half or most of the convo tells you everything you need to know, plus the panicking over the photos.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Tue 07-May-13 10:22:37

Sorry OP. (((hugs)))

The relationship does not sound that good on paper to be honest.

It reads a bit one sided:
- you lose weight.
- you make an effort to look good.
- you avoid putting pressure in him as he is stressed at work...not sure what this means tbh.

- grunts at you when approached for sex.
- indulges in porn pics on his phone.

Please slow right down on the mortgage, marriage, etc. until your alarm bells have stopped. They are usually there for a reason.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Tue 07-May-13 11:35:28

You don't send kisses to people you are discussing work opportunities and you don't text them 'awake? X' in the. Idle of the night. I'm really sorry, this is at the least an inappropriate friendship. I would guess it's someone who fancies your DP and he enjoys the attention/wants to keep her on the back burner. Unless you have a reason to think he is bisexual then saving her under a man's name is a classic cheater's trick and adds more evidence to the pile. Hopefully he has just had his head turned and has no plan to act on it but you need to confront him and get this out in the open. He needs to wake up before he takes it somewhere he can't come back from.

LookForwardNotBack Tue 07-May-13 11:49:36

He puts kisses on the end of most texts, even to his male friends, it just seems odd that this person (if it is something guilty) is saying no thanks and he's then replying sure? x and awake? x at 2am after a drink fueled evening. I don't know what to think, he's always talking about our future, buying the house and how he cant wait to marry me and have our own kids, I just don't understand.

Pantone363 Tue 07-May-13 12:54:29

Did you call the number?

LookForwardNotBack Tue 07-May-13 13:13:30

No I didn't, to be honest when I saw it had a name with it and it was male I was just too focused on what the actual texts said, I took photos and emailed them to myself so I could have a think about it and then look again to make sure I wasn't remembering the wrong wording or something.
I guess the only option is to try and get hold of the phone again at some point?
Seriously though, if it is innocent, what could it mean? My only thought was maybe it was him asking someone to go out for drinks as a few of them we're out and perhaps that could have been the answer, still doesn't feel quite right but it's the only thing I can come up with which doesn't make me sick to my stomach :-(

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 07-May-13 13:19:54

We can say there's nothing wrong, relax! until we're blue in the face but I think you will still wonder and fear the worst. Imo there is something that doesn't sound right.

If there is nothing wrong, then you asking if he's all right and any worries he'd like to clear up won't rock the boat.

If something is afoot, you might get an answer you won't like but it will clear the air and need not mean all is lost. Alternatively it may result in a massive re-think for both of you. At least you'd have the information and be free to make choices. Bluntly, you can't undo finding that text.

At such a crossroads in your life you need to be sure and you deserve him to respect you enough to have no secrets, nothing lurking. If you put this off, you and DD might face a lot of upheaval and distress later on.

Pantone363 Tue 07-May-13 13:24:15

Even if he puts kisses on to the end of msgs to men, most other men don't. In the reply there was a x to him too?

In your shoes I would be digging. Check his online phone bill for reoccurring numbers early/late in the day. Facebook/twitter, Internet history.

Pockets of jeans, coats, even car rubbish (ex left a receipt that included condoms hmm).

Bank statements.

Sat nav recent destinations is another good one.

LookForwardNotBack Tue 07-May-13 13:45:27

Thing is, we work together and live together, have one of those apps where we can track each other (used mainly so I know how far he is from home when he's away for the night for work etc) I'm pretty confident he's not actually cheated on me, it's just the worry that he's thinking about it. I've never gone through any of this things before as I have up until now trusted him 100%, I don't believe he even has the chance to cheat, we're together most of the time.

I think anything dodgy would be on his phone because that's the one thing I never get to touch. Everything I have is open, fb app on ipad etc.

I suppose the best thing is to keep on as normal for now, but perhaps be a little bit more wary of jumping in feet first to some of the bigger commitments we have planned.

I love him with all my heart and I do feel physically sick at the thought he could be looking elsewhere but I have to protect my DD and she's already had one father decide he didn't fancy being a family man, I can't risk confusing her further.

Thank you all for your advice so far by the way, I have no-one in RL I feel I can confide in so this is making things much clearer.

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