Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Anyone lost their libido - and then found it again?!

(4 Posts)
monstera Mon 06-May-13 22:09:21

I've got a decision to make. It's a bit long so thanks in advance if you make it through.

Been with DP 6 years. We don't live together as we both have kids and live 50 miles apart. We see each other at weekends. For the first 4 yrs this was fine. We'd have sex every night and every morning that we were together. We were both always in the mood and it always happened, with very few exceptions eg one of us ill / kids got us up early.

Three yrs ago I had a few health problems linked to chemo I had as a teenager. Turned out to be in the early stages of menopause (aged 36). I went on the pill and all was fine, but a year later had to come off the pill due to high blood pressure. That's when it all started going wrong. I lost my libido totally, put on weight, felt unsexy, still had sex but I stopped instigating it ever, and quite often we didn't do it all weekend. To make things worse I then started getting urine / kidney infections whenever we had sex. In six months I had six urine infections, four of them went in my kidneys, needed five courses of antibiotics and felt crap for most of the week when he wasn't there. He rarely saw this so I don't think he realised how bad it was.

In February I went back to the GP because I was fed up and felt I was losing my relationship, plus was getting really bad night sweats and it was affecting other areas of my life. Sure enough bloods came back as post-menopausal (I'm now 38) and GP agreed to let me go on HRT in combo with BP meds. I've been on it for 6 weeks now and as well as finally being able to shift a few pounds, I'm sleeping and feeling better, and there have been "stirrings!" down below.

Problem is, last few weekends with DP I still haven't been able to instigate sex or talk to him about it. He has tried to have sex a few times (he always does) but I have been turning him down more than before.

I do want to have sex again, but I think the last couple of years have driven too much of a wedge between us. I thought that if I could sort out my hormones we'd be OK again, but there are other issues in our relationship - 6 years of weekends only is a long time, and there's no prospect of that changing for at least 8 years.

So the question is - do I go for it and try to be my old self in bed, and hope the rest falls into place, or do I take this as a sign that we've run our course and end it?

Thanks to anyone who reads this. It's really helped just typing it all out.


Lweji Mon 06-May-13 22:20:23

Are there any other issues in the relationship?
He doesn't seem very understanding of you getting urinary infections, and that could easily damage your love for him.

It doesn't seem that you two are very committed. Children can move schools, or can be picked up from 50 miles away at weekends.

Why exactly can't you move together?
Although it sounds more that it I reaching the end.
Often, "lack of libido" can actually be lack of wanting sex with a given partner, not a condition.

Moanranger Mon 06-May-13 22:22:24

I just posted elsewhere about my situation, though different to yours, so not sure how helpful. I gradually lost my libido during 24 yr marriage. STBXH not a good lover, & also entitled & demanding. By the end I was pretty dead down below, which I chalked up to long marriage & age - I am post-menopausal. We have been split now for 10 weeks - and my libido has returned with a vengeance. I haven't felt like this since I was about 30. While welcome, it does bring its own problems.
BTW once you get through menopause, things get much better. My understanding (I may be wrong & medics can correct me) is that once ovaries stop producing hormones, other tissues take over & you achieve an equilibrium, so you do not necessarily become a dried up old hag. Menopause & it's symptoms represent the adjustment phase.

monstera Mon 06-May-13 22:39:08

Lweji - I don't know if not moving in together is a sign of lack of commitment. I've just taken it as a fact for so long. It really would be almost impossible for him to move. Certainly it would mean causing serious harm to his kids' education and relationship with their mum. He just wouldn't do it and I wouldn't ask him to.

It would be me that did the moving if we wanted to live together. That would mean me moving DD away from her dad and his family, who she's really close to. Of course she could still see him at weekends, and it wouldn't be the end of the world, but it would be me and DD making all the sacrifices and him making none.

TBH I used to think about this a lot. Now though I really wouldn't move there even if it was easy. I'd be giving up too much and I wouldn't trust that it would work out.

Moanranger - congratulations on your situation. Sounds like a new life ahead!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now