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Everyday fall outs...

(10 Posts)
Snoozypants Mon 06-May-13 21:46:31

Where to begin...Dh and I have been married for 4 years, together for 8. Three young dc.

Is it possible to just not like someone anymore? I know I love him, I care about him and wouldn't know what to do if he wasn't here tomorrow, but I just don't like the guy. The worst part is I'm pretty sure he feels the same way too. Just about every day we seem to find something petty to fall out over.
He leaves sopping wet towels on the floor, drives me nuts but I'm the nag he says. He says I'm lazy because I'm more of a night owl and I'm not so good in the morning when it comes to the dc. Today we've had a huge row about the bloody BBQ and when is the right time to put the food on. Saturday we fell out because he wanted me to go out and do the supermarket shop first thing-and I wanted to do it at my own speed. Tonight he's told me that I'm obsessed with things being done my way and he cant get anything right. I feel like he makes a big deal out of everything and is a bit precious about stuff, he's easily offended and takes everything personally. If we start having words, he'll say his piece and then will go upstairs and get in bed and refuse to talk anymore, treats me like I'm a child. Writing this down it all sounds ridiculous. Why do we do it?

These fall outs happen too often. It's like we just haven't got any patience for one another. We run our own business and I don't go into the office anymore with him because I just cannot stand the way we carry on. He treats me like his tea girl and I just have no respect for him in return. I probably say nasty things back to him, I'm admitting that I'm not always right, I know I can be a cow.

He's quite overweight, can be unaffectionate, and distant. I think he prefers his own company to spending time with me. He loves the dc to pieces, I am sure of that, he actually wants one more but I need to get my life back. I've had three babies one after the other and just feel that I need to find ME again.
I know that he will give me anything, I want for nothing, we have a lovely home and to the outsider a fantastic life. But I'm miserable-I don't know about him, its hard to get a conversation out of him.

I feel undervalued, we rarely have sex, he's either too tired or one of us is sleeping in the spare room after falling out. I don't feel like he fancies me, in fact looking back he's never acted like that towards me. Writing this down I feel like we are just friends or like a weird brother/sister relationship! Ergh...

Things are wrong, very wrong. I don't feel like I've explained myself very well here...there are probably far too many things to mention. Sometimes I wonder were we just not meant to be from the start.

Lweji Mon 06-May-13 22:05:34

Have you ever tried to talk and reach a compromise?
Say, him dealing with children in the morning and you in the evening?

It makes me wonder that he keeps leaving towels on the floor (for you to pick up?) and treats you like a tea girl, but wants more children.

How do the finances work?

A1980 Mon 06-May-13 22:07:12

Did the two of you ever discuss picking your battles.

Leaving wet towels on the floor, shopping times, putting food on the BBQ...those are not insurmountable issues.

unapologetic Mon 06-May-13 22:08:11

Things sound pretty dire. It's hard to know if this is just a difficult phase that all couples experience to an extent when their children are young (especially as you have three.) But the falling out constantly and sleeping separately could be the start of the rocky road.

Snoozypants Mon 06-May-13 22:19:05

Thanks for your reply Lweji. Finances are split equally, I have access to everything and own 50% of the business, I am a director. In that sense I cannot fault him, as I said I know that he would give me anything I asked for and is not selfish in regards to money. I on the other hand am not greedy and would happily live a far more frugal life, I like simple things. From this aspect we have worked well.
In some ways he is very old fashioned, he's early 30's but we joke that he's from 1952-even friends say it! I do the lions share of all housework, cooking, gardening, washing etc. I could go on and on at him and things just don't get done or he will do it so sloppily that I just don't ask again. To get back at me this is why he says I nag him, or that my standards are too high and he can never do the right thing. He has never cleaned the bathroom in this house, we've lived here two years... Telling him/asking him is a waste of time. He has an answer for everything.

He will say that he works hard on the business, I'm a director, equal to him but not in the time I put in-he works on it, whereas I'm just on paper. This is his reasoning for doing little at home. I came back to work after youngest dc and I lasted about two weeks. What was a new start for me just ended in another row...we can't agree on anything. He felt I was coming in trying to make changes and I feel like he doesn't listen to anything I have to say or even suggest.
Is this life??? Does everyone struggle like this?

Snoozypants Mon 06-May-13 22:22:30

Yes I know these things sound petty, to the point of ridiculous. When it happens on an almost daily basis it's very draining and leads to misery.

unapologetic I understand what you mean, I am asking myself the same questions now. Is this a phase, three dc is tough on anyone...I just hope this isn't how it's going to be for us. I don't want to end up hating one another, I feel like we are just burning out very slowly.

Lweji Mon 06-May-13 22:27:36

It does seem like he wants the "important" stuff (business) for himself and the crap stuff (housework) for you.
It should really be split equally.
Even if not, he should acknowledge the importance of the work you do for him at home.

You have to ask yourself why he wants another child. To keep you at home?
Does he do anything for the children, other than occasionally playing?

I'd be really annoyed too.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 07-May-13 07:13:26

I think you need to have a very serious conversation. It has to be framed that 'if we don't do something positive about our relationship and our marriage then we'll have no choice but to call time'. This is a conversation you have more in sorrow than in anger and the important part is that everyone realises what they stand to lose and everyone commits to making more effort or various changes.

If you can't have this conversation then consider a counsellor to help you. If the idea of a counsellor is rejected then follow through on the 'call time' part.

BTW... in the meantime get cleaners, gardeners or whatever else you need to keep your house in shape. I've never cleaned a bathroom and I'm single... hmm

Snoozypants Tue 07-May-13 09:57:37

Thank you cognito, very sound advice as always and much needed. I do agree that a counsellor is the way forward, we just can't seem to sort this out between the two of us. We try, it works for a few days and then we end up going back to our old ways. Aside from the feeling neglected/housework side of things there are other issues that I could go on and on about and I'd just end up filling this thread!

We live in a part of the UK that neither of us is from, we have moved often and its always been his decision to relocate. When we first met it was to move closer to his family as his df was dying, the next time we moved to London for dh's career, now we live nowhere near family and friends. I make friends easily, I'm quite social and chatty but I'm tired of it now, I'm sick of the moving and new starts. I would do anything for a simple life and just to be happy without the bickering. Maybe we take it out on one another as we don't have any other family around to mix with-plus working together wont help.

I've made friends where I am, although they are more school mum friends IYKWIM, not the type I could get trollied with and have a good whinge and a cry on their shoulder.

I was going into work with him today but we've already had words this morning, its like we just can't stand the sight of one another. I consider calling it a day and try and imagine the alternative...the dc are too young and oblivious and I know that they will grow up to have a lovely life here. I don't think, even with support that I could provide the same for them on my own.

Will take your advice cognito and book a cleaner today, things need to change around here

AuntieStella Tue 07-May-13 10:17:20

Perhaps also a weekend away? It's a bit hackneyed a suggestion, I know. But it does sound as if you could do with a break from the DC (go and get trollied with an old mate) and let DH see what goes into a weekend nose to nose with 3 small ones.

And perhaps you'll come back recharged a bit, and you can use that energy to work on wider communication between you. Small irritations leading to daily rows are (probably) a symptom of the wider dissatisfaction, and their impact will lessen as you work on the big picture. It's an exhausting time of life, but it sounds as if you still see him firmly in the picture. So better communication and him becoming more properly engaged in family life might just carry you through.

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