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A break up is worse when you know its your fault.

(13 Posts)
superstarheartbreaker Mon 06-May-13 21:40:45

I am slowly getting over my ex. We weren't together very long but it was very intense and we had a great time. Trouble is I get very bad mood swings which seem to get worse on the pill. I do blame myself for the break up as I gott anxious, clingy, needy and sent some crazy texts. I think the main thing I feel is that I have a shit personality so I am unlovable.
He did smoke weed which I hate which really upset me when I realised he was a regular smoker but I loved him so came to terms with this. I tried to explain that my mood swings get worse during pmt but now I just feel like a shit person who can't deal with conflict well. Shame as we did get on really well generally.

lemonstartree Mon 06-May-13 21:59:57

i would bet you £200 that his weed smoking has a big part to play in this break up...

don't blame yourself - you cannot change who you are or how you feel....

sarahseashell Mon 06-May-13 22:00:05

It's hard to see why you're trying to take on all the blame. Sorry your relationship has broken up but maybe a dope smoker wasn't the right partner and it doesn't sound like the relationship was doing you any favours if you were getting so anxious.

How about taking some time out to maybe get counselling and build up your self esteem. Main thing is to start feeling better about yourself before you try to have a relationship with anyone else. good luck

A1980 Mon 06-May-13 22:01:15

I feel the same. I fucked up my last relationship.

Lweji Mon 06-May-13 22:11:50

Assuming what you say is true, that you were too clingy and so on, what have you learnt from it? How can you not become like that again?

Maybe reach out for help, instead of moping about? ( in the nicest sense smile )

Having said that, have you ever been like that? Maybe it was the dynamics of the relationship with him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 07-May-13 07:49:45

If you were with someone who had a hobby you hated and made you really upset, is it any wonder if you were anxious? Doesn't mean you have a 'shit personality', just means you were with the wrong person.

I agree with a PP that suggested getting some help with your self-esteem. If you think you have to 'come to terms' with things that you find unacceptable in order to have a boyfriend, that's not particularly healthy and it will always lead to heart-ache. Partners should be a good fit all round or you ditch them ... you shouldn't have to compromise your values or expect them to change in order to be with them.

ladyjadie Tue 07-May-13 08:23:36

Full time dope smokers belong with other full time dope smokers. You probably weren't being as bad as you think you are (though I know what you mean about the pill messing with moods). I am willing to match Lemon's bet that the weed had as big a part in this as you (maybe more). You knew in your gut that you two weren't a perfect match, which in turn made you insecure, which then leads to clingyness, in the sense of trying harder to make it work against the grain as it were.

I'm sorry you feel shit though, it hurts and many of us know the feeling. Just try to not focus on beating yourself up about it. It can't have been all you. Hugs

superstarheartbreaker Tue 07-May-13 09:47:19

Hi all, thanks for the reassurance. He wasn't a full time smoker and held down a good job but it was quite often. Your right someone who hates weed can't be with someone who loves it!

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 07-May-13 10:08:57

I was once with an allegedly ex-smoker. Not weed, just regular tobacco. It became a huge source of friction because he started up again, knowing I didn't like it, and then proceeded to be a total dick about it. 'You've upset me so much that you've forced me to smoke'.... blah, blah, blah. Childish load of old bollocks, basically, but enough to make me feel like I was this un-cool, kill-joy, bad-guy and a bit snappy in the process.

As I said earlier.... either someone is a good fit or you dump them. Don't waste time in future waiting for them to change and certainly don't compromise your own standards.

Good luck

ladyjadie Wed 08-May-13 08:05:12

Cog it sounds like he was just looking for an excuse really and unfortunately didn't mind how it affected you to be the scapegoat. Arse.

superstar yes, and even if it wasn't full time it wouldn't be never. You are better off feeling crap now for a bit, but ultimately finding someone who has the same outlook as you, than sticking around and hoping (in vain) that a square peg will become round. As it were confused hope you feel better every day (you will)

superstarheartbreaker Wed 08-May-13 13:29:03

Thanks all for the support. I think I felt the same as cognito; uncool and unchilled about kicking off about the weed. I said rather heavy handedly that he must be an addict if he can't give it up. I always felt that I was in the wrong for being so 'uptight' about this habit, even though he didn't say this outright.
Trouble is that I'm one of those silly creatures that falls headlong in love. I tend to forgive the bad points and look for the good stuff and it is the good points I miss; our amazing, fun dates, his lovely kids, just him and his hugs. Aggggrrr. I'm stil at the stage where he pops into my head involuntarily when I wake in the morning; then I have to go for a ciggarette (only smoke myself when heartbroken) to ease the pain.

superstarheartbreaker Wed 08-May-13 13:30:38

I did overcome my hatred of weedfor a bit to suit him but I think he felt resentful that I challenged him and pressed a few buttons about his addiction. I always said I couldn't change him and that he should do it for him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 08-May-13 15:18:13

Life lesson then. Never 'overcome your hatred' of anything in future just to be with a bloke. Be a lot fussier about who you lavish affection on. Sweat the small stuff for a change. Be highly critical & judgemental because the little idiosyncrasies that are endearing, if slightly annoying, at the outset are the very same things your defence counsel will be using as mitigating factors when they find his skeleton under your patio ten years down the track. smile

People rarely change and it is a mistake to embark on a relationship with someone hoping that you can turn a 90% fit into a 100% fit if you give it a bit of time, effort and ignoring your own values ... Never works.

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