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Too little too late....?

(24 Posts)
mrsericnorthmaniwish Mon 06-May-13 14:22:02

Hello, again. I have posted on here a bit recently, the advice is always very helpful and it helps me to write my thoughts downsmile. I have been unhappy for a few years now and have finally sought legal advice, my h received a letter advising him I had started divorce proceedings last week. Over the years I have talked to him and tried to sort us out but I feel he just does not listen, I have described it to him as if he is just sticking two fingers up at me and nothing ever changes. He does not help with the children, I do bath and bedtime on my own, I get up every morning for the dcs and he will sleep in and when he does get up its to watch tv or play on computer,itake them to and from school etc, he is often working weekends so we go out without him then he will have time off in the week when they are out, he will stay up late on the computer,he will sit at the computer when the dcs are home and ignore them. We have had a few conversations lately before the letter arrived, i have said recently i cant do this anymore, i do not care about us anymore,i feel I have just run outsad has said he wants to go to counselling to help us but I have said I don'tsad now, since receiving the letter he seems to still think we will be ok still, I am finding it hard to speak to him because I have said all I wanted to say over the years and he has done nothing, now I have one to the end and he seems to want to change but the thing is I don't think he will, maybe temporarily but not for good, I can't help but feel its too little too late or am I being a heartless cow? For a few years I have pushed my feelings aside and continued but I just haven't got the energy anymoresad any advice appreciated, thank you for reading

StrangeGlue Mon 06-May-13 14:25:04

You need to do what is best for you and your kids. Unfortunately there's no list of 'do and don't for a good divorce' you just have to find your own way. If what you want is to divorce and not do counselling that's fine but others may be able to tell you when counselling has been helpful to them.

Sorry I'm not much help, just didn't want to read and run.

Xales Mon 06-May-13 14:26:35

You are not being heartless. You are spot on. If you hadn't filed for divorce he would carry on exactly the same for the next 5/10/15 years.

If you feel you can make a go of it by all means go to the counselling.

If you feel that he just doesn't want his cozy life disrupted and doesn't really care and will slide back into more of the same then carry on with the divorce.

It can be stopped at any time if you have a change of heart...

mrsericnorthmaniwish Mon 06-May-13 14:33:23

I just feel its too late, I have said a couple times this year I have had enough, said I won't be his wife for much longer, said I don't care and I have had nothing, until now. I don't want to go to counselling, to me if he can't change and make the effort when I am crying and asking for this that and the other then I see no point, I think I would be going just for the sake of it-that sounds bad too, but it's how I feel. No, he would not have done anything if I had not taken this stepsad

tribpot Mon 06-May-13 14:33:42

You say too little too late, but there are no indications in your opening post of him having done anything since the letter arrived?

Lweji Mon 06-May-13 14:53:38

Either he doesn't think he can change anything, or he doesn't care, of he thinks you're bluffing.

Either way, just keep with the proceedings and get him out of your life.

You seem to still be hopeful that he'll change. Even if he made an effort now, I don't think he would.

mrsericnorthmaniwish Mon 06-May-13 15:42:20

He will say he is making the effort by suggesting counselling, he has had this weekend off(no other for the foreseeable though) has gone to bed a bit earlier. Sorry, I am just at a loss really and I am finding his reactions very confusing.

tribpot Mon 06-May-13 15:56:34

All he's done is suggest counselling (and my reading of your opening post was that this was before the letter arrived?) - has he done anything remotely proactive like finding out where and when counselling is available?

You are in no way obliged to try counselling. But you seem more afraid that he's going to throw back in your face the fact that you didn't. You are going to need to be resolute if you are going to succeed in ending your marriage - he seems to be able to make you doubt yourself based on virtually nothing. If you want to try counselling, let it be for yourself alone.

mrsericnorthmaniwish Mon 06-May-13 16:19:30

He is very good at making me doubt myself and that's what I am doing and I know it sounds patheticsad he suggested counselling when I advised him he would receive a letter and again after the letter, but no,he has not actually done anything about it.

tribpot Mon 06-May-13 16:28:25

It doesn't sound pathetic, it sounds like you've been worn down.

You don't need to debate it with him, just push ahead with the divorce. If he expresses surprise as he thought you were 'going to counselling' I'd just note that he got no further than suggesting it. Thus presumably not that bothered about doing it either.

If he does find out about counselling (which must be entirely unprompted by you, or he'll do it just to 'show you') then I think you say you don't wish to go. End of.

mrsericnorthmaniwish Mon 06-May-13 16:43:33

Yes, that's how I feel, worn down and tired with it all, it's been a long timesad thank you for your advice

onefewernow Mon 06-May-13 16:59:48

You say yourself that you want to proceed with the divorce, do you should.

Jumping to action to save himself a house move and from doing his own domestic work isn't good enough, is it?

And from what you say anyway, change would be temporary.

I can tell you from bitter experience that they can change, but:

- only if they are desperate to
- only if you police it like you wouldn't believe.

And that is very hard work.

Guilt is not good of helpful to you. And he isn't guilty, is he?

mrsericnorthmaniwish Mon 06-May-13 17:09:14

Course he isn't, it's all my fault, obviously-another trait he has, blame it on me whatever it may besad

coppertop Mon 06-May-13 17:32:02

Even if he's genuine about wanting to change, all this tells you is that he only wants to make an effort when it's his own home comforts that are being threatened.

You're tired because you're doing all the parenting alone? Nope, he's not interested.

You're tired because he's spending so much time on the computer or watching TV? Nope, he's not interested.

You're fed up because you're not spending much time together as a family? Nope, he's not interested.

You've started divorce proceedings and he's going to lose his cosy self-centred little way of life? He's suddenly interested in counselling, but not enough to actually get off his backside and arrange it. Nope, he's quite happy to leave that up to you and possibly grace you with his presence when it's been set up for him.

You're not heartless.

mrsericnorthmaniwish Mon 06-May-13 19:22:14

Thank you for your repliessmilehe wants to change so much he is on the computer now and I am sorting dcs out as usual, 2of whom are poorly and have been over the weekend and guess who has been up with them during the night and the day started at 5am yesterday?! Then he wants to know why I am short and dismissive of him when he is apparently 'trying', bit of a rant, sorry, it i do feel a bit better for itsmile

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 06-May-13 20:09:57

Keep going with the divorce, one step at a time. My Ex was like this, that's why he's Ex, but I struggled on for decades thinking my depression was the problem, when it was him being low level but constantly emotionally abusive that was actually the cause of the depression. The EA support thread was a great source for me.

mrsericnorthmaniwish Mon 06-May-13 20:16:58

Silvery, I have had a look into e a and have browsed the thread you mentioned but I don't like to think its me however, I am seriously wondering now because this isn't right, not at allsad I have been depressed and I think I still am and reading what you wrote I am sure it's because of him and the way he behaves, i am fine when he is at work or not here or I am somewhere without him, how awful does that sound!:O

CognitiveOverload Mon 06-May-13 20:24:54

I think you are doing the right thing for you be continuing with your plans to leave him.

tribpot Mon 06-May-13 20:26:00

It sounds like all the motivation you need to get him out of your daily life.

mrsericnorthmaniwish Mon 06-May-13 20:30:10

Thank you for all your advice, I haven't got it so wrong and your words only give me encouragement to carry on with what I think is the best thing for me and dcs. I will get there but it's hard, then nothing worth doing is going to be easy

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 06-May-13 20:36:27

Mine blamed me all the time, he spent 10 years playing Civilisation, did hardly anything round the house, the few days work he did a year were at the weekend - often I was rooted to the house while the DC played out - we barely went anywhere or did anything unless I pushed for it, and the majority of the money we lived on came from me. I too have been ignored while I cried and pleaded sad. People so often think of physical violence when they think of abuse, it was hard for me, and for many others on that thread, to realise what was going on, but I am so glad I did.

MsSavingPennies Mon 06-May-13 20:42:56

You could be writing about my exh!! In the end I had to leave. I was depressed, exhausted since he wouldn't lift a finger to do anything and my confidence was rock bottom as he was an expert at manipulating. Leaving him was like a weight lifted off my shoulders.

Your dp suggesting counselling - that wont make any difference unless he truely wants to change. My exh had many chances to change, it only ever lasted for a month max. Look ahead 5 years, what do you see? Do what is right for you.

mrsericnorthmaniwish Mon 06-May-13 20:49:20

Sounds familiarsad it's me who organises anything we do,apart from Saturday when he made the effort-one and only time! Trouble is I have got used to bring on my own with dcs as he will be working, I quite like being on my own now with them and if he does come out I hate itsad but he can't see that, he just thinks I am excluding him and being miserable, he can't see that by not making time for us on a regular basis he is excluding himself and forcing me to look to friends and family,which is what I have done

mrsericnorthmaniwish Mon 06-May-13 20:55:37

I certainly don't want to be doing this in 5 months time, never mind 5years! That's whats pushed me too, I can't see a future anymore, not like this and it won't change, if it does it will be temporary, just for show then he will slip back and I will be going through all these feelings again and againsad

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