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ive just realised I go for emotionally unavailable men

(13 Posts)
oopsadaisymaisy Mon 06-May-13 14:08:33

I was going to name change but why bother. I've been in mn for a few years now and have name changed quite a few times. I lurk lots and I've learned such a lot about myself on here. I'm in an entirely unrealistic 'relationship' at the moment. When I look back, I usually am. It's quite pathetic really. I probably need specific therapy but I can't afford it. Also, I know the reasons why I go for emotionally unavailable men, I just need to stop it, that's where I get a bit lost. Any practical advice for avoiding these types of relationships? TIA. (It took me ages to work out what that meant).

currentlyconfuseddotcom Mon 06-May-13 14:12:11

Why do you? Is it fear of commitment/challenge?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 06-May-13 14:13:00

What is unrealistic about the current relationship? How does being emotionally unavailable manifest itself?

AuntieStella Mon 06-May-13 14:20:09

You might find the Baggage Reclaim site worth a look.

oopsadaisymaisy Mon 06-May-13 14:31:28

Thanks all. I'm seeing someone significantly younger, he's lovely and really keen but I know it can't go anywhere so I ve basically told him we need to cool things off. It's really early days and my head is telling me not to go anywhere with it. I'm terrified of being hurt. My ex was EA and I never want to be in that place again. I know I'm an adult and not all men will be like me ex but I'm still terrified. It's starting to make me quite sad. I have a such a lot to give. sad

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 06-May-13 14:44:52

Presumably your own Dad was emotionally unavailable so you're now recreating the relationship you saw in your own childhood.

BACP are good and do not charge the earth; do try and find the money for some counselling from somewhere.

Would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

Numberlock Mon 06-May-13 14:47:44

How much younger and how sure are you that it can't go anywhere?

Can you not just enjoy it while it lasts?

tribpot Mon 06-May-13 14:48:08

Are you sure it isn't you who's emotionally unavailable? If your someone younger is lovely and keen, what's the harm in taking it slow and seeing what happens?

oopsadaisymaisy Mon 06-May-13 14:52:11

Atilla, you hit the nail on the head. My father was indeed entirely emotionally unavailable. I think you're right I do need to sort it out.

oopsadaisymaisy Mon 06-May-13 14:57:21

Number and Trib, Yes, it's me too. A combination of both. I definitely need help. Yes, way too young. I wouldn't feel comfortable being in a proper relationship with him and he deserves someone who can fully commit. I just can't. I would just sabotage it anyway even if he was 'appropriate' because that's what I do.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 06-May-13 15:00:31

I thought your Dad was emotionally unavailable to you as a child; this is where the damage started with you.

Would definitely read the book I wrote of in your case; it could well help you.

Numberlock Mon 06-May-13 15:03:30

If he's happy to give it a go, how is he emotionally unavailable?

oopsadaisymaisy Mon 06-May-13 15:07:54

He's not, he's just unsuitable. On this occasion its me that's unavailable. I've got involved with him because I can call the shots but actually I'm just projecting all my insecurities. It's not so much about him, it's about me accepting I have issues. I need to sort this out. I think this young man has made me realise what I could have if I wasn't so fucked up sad

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