Friend's DH has just left her

[HowToBestHelpHer]

Right, I'm a long-time MNer but have NC as I'm very recognisable in RL from my normal posting name. Want to protect my friend's privacy.

I received a text this morning from a close friend that her DH has just left her. He met someone on holiday a few weeks ago and he thinks he's in love. He's moved out of their place. She is in complete shock.

I'm heading to see her once I finish work, but I'm hoping you lovely Relationship board regulars can help me/her with some practicalities.

What can she expect to be feeling over the coming days/weeks/months? If he follows the same script as all the other fucking twat asshole thundercunts men who have affairs, what is he likely to do? How is he likely to behave and what does she need to be ready for? How should she be behaving with him?

Also, what does she need to do to protect herself financially? He earns extremely well, they don't have any kids, they live in a property owned by him, she has just sold a business so is only doing part-time consulting at the moment for work as they were looking start start TTC later this year

I want to be able to offer her emotional support, but I'd love to also be able to help her predict that madness that is now likely to ensue so that she can protect herself as well as is possible in this hideous situation.

Thanks lovelies

[happyAvocado]

If he left I guess she should change keys.
Do they have shared account?
Did she contribute towards bills on this house? Can she prove it?

[happyAvocado]

thinking about it - i am not sure where she stands re: changng locks as legally it's his house
I guess she needs to find family solicitor asap

[HowToBestHelpHer]

happy thanks. Would she be legally okay to change locks even though mortgage is in his name? Is that because he's voluntarily vacated?

I'm not certain about shared account, but if I had to guess I'd say probably yes. And I'd be very surprised if she didn't contribute to bills - even her part time work still pays pretty well. But it's good to know that these are the questions she needs to be thinking about...

[letseatgrandma]

I would imagine she will have to move out of the home-what has she paid towards it, mortgage/bills etc?

[HowToBestHelpHer]

I just can't believe she's going to have to go through with all of this. I went out with both of them on the weekend, and they were talking about buying a house for themselves and future kids' education, and their holiday coming up. He just sat their smiling and lying through his teeth.

[letseatgrandma]

No, she can't change the locks if he owns the property.

I'd start helping her look at smaller places to rent/buy.

[HowToBestHelpHer]

He's had the property for a long time, since before they met, and they only recently moved back into it (he's been renting it out). I think he's probably put the lion's share into it.

[AuntieStella]

Have a look at olgaga's post on this thread. It really does cover the admin.

You friend needs to ensure she has a roof over her head and adequate income to support her whilst they sort out the details of their future.

It may be some months before she is in good enough shape to make good decisions. She needs to attend to immediate needs now, and research option foreigner term arrangements.

And she needs good RL friends - glad you'll be there.

[AuntieStella]

'foreigner' DYAC - "options for longer term arrangements"

[happyAvocado]

I think not owning the house but being married gives her share to part of what they own together.

If she was unmarried she would have not much rights.

I am not sure what acces she has to various documents re:house. I guess she has right to stay there - it's him who is moving out.

I don't know how in the eye of law would be seen like if she stopped contributing towards the shared account?

I think solicitor/lawyer would explain all those details to her.

Has she got someone who could stay with her? She is in a stare of shock and just needs a friendly soul to be about. Does her/his family know? Could someone come and spend few days with her?

[HowToBestHelpHer]

Thanks auntie - I've seen olgaga's posts on previous threads, but had forgotten about them. They are proper gems.

I'm just so sad for her. And so sad that their are so many men like this out there - she is the second good friend in 6 months that has been screwed over by their partners.

[happyAvocado]

she can do this straight away:

^Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements ? savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?
There is a useful divorce and separation calculator here:
If you cannot access financial information, or you are aware that assets are being hidden from you, then obviously you will not be able to reach agreement on finances. Again you will be encouraged to go to mediation (link as above).
^
www.gov.uk/money-property-when-relationship-ends

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Your friend is going to be feeling a huge amount of shock and hurt at the moment. As a friend, listen to what she has to say and offer practical support such as cooking a meal or offering to stay the night. Unless there have been some serious problems you're unaware of, she'll be reluctant to acknowledge that it's over, probably hoping it's all some big mistake etc., so you may not be able to get her to visit solicitors and that kind of thing just yet.

His behaviour is likely to be unpredictable. Anything from total silence to begging to return, to requests for cosy chats and 'don't think badly of me' conversations. Best not to focus on him, really. Minefield.

In the immediate aftermath, cashflow is the main concern.... keeping bills paid and so on. If they have any joint accounts then she needs to advise the bank that the husband has gone so that she can prevent accounts being drained. Surprising how often that happens. At the same time, however, she needs Direct Debits to keep going out ... so be careful they don't just block the thing (happened to me)

[HowToBestHelpHer]

His brother knows and has been with her this morning. She's known him longer than her H, that's how they met. I can't stay with her as have DC and am working this week (opposite ends of city). Was thinking of.offering doe her to stay with us, but we're moving on Sat so don't want to introduce.more chaos.into her life if she can't handle stress at the mo, although I'll leave it up to her. Part of me thinks she should stay put if he's moved pit, but part of me thinks that can't be healthy for her with constant reminders.

[HowToBestHelpHer]

Apologies for typos, on phone now.on way to her.

[letseatgrandma]

Surely she can't stay indefinitely though, if it's his property?

[HowToBestHelpHer]

Probably not, letseat, but.I'd like.to think she'd be okay there in the short term. He's never struck me as malicious, but then again he never struck me as a cheat either...

[happyAvocado]

but as they are married she has rights to stay there perhaps not indefinitely, but noone can make her homeless!

[kalidanger]

This isn't a practicality but he might have gone abroad WITH OW, not just met her there. Your friend should prepare herself for a long period if infidelity being revealed.

Poor her.

[tribpot]

Yes, I agree with kalidanger 'met someone recently on holiday' sounds like utter bollocks to me.

[FairPhyllis]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

A shorter version at 18.13 by Saffysmum in this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1486878-Departed-cheating-scumbags-who-follow-a-script

Prepare for him to stop paying bills, draining accounts of money, possibly kicking her out of the house, rewriting the history of the marriage and generally trying to mess with her head.

[Charbon]

If he's telling the truth about meeting this woman recently (and like others, I'd be sceptical about that) then this sounds like the classic Romantic Affair. Which is one where the participants have extremely high opinions of their own morality and ethics and refuse to countenance that the affair is motivated by mere lust (which they regard as tacky) and in fact must be The Greatest Love of All.

So what happens is that despite the participants not knowing eachother very well at all, they confuse lust for love and decide that their love is so pure and sacred, they must jettison their current relationships because Love Conquers all.

These affairs rarely last longer than it takes for the lust to wear off and reality to set in, so prepare your friend for the possibility that he will want to return with his tail between his legs when the OW sees the Real Him and dumps him, or he discovers that the OW is not a goddess, but a Real Woman with flaws and feet of clay.

I've seen people in these types of affairs have two distinctly different narratives about their former relationships. Because they have false high opinions of themselves, they either claim their relationship must have had flaws to have had an affair, or if that is blatantly implausible, they claim that the OW/OM is someone with such extraordinary qualities that they've been struck by a thunderbolt and although they were not unhappy before, the new person is too other-worldly or exquisite for a mere mortal to resist.

At no point will they countenance that this is just an everyday, lust-motivated affair involving normal, selfish participants who fancied eachother and got carried away.

[ReturnofSaturn]

Good post Charbon, I agree with most of that and been on the receiving end of it myself. My partner did the the same last year, left me for someone hed only known a few weeks. He is still with her however :(

[HowToBestHelpHer]

Thank you everyone, and sorry for radio silence but I've been with her the last few hours.

she is numb, shocked, and doesn't know where to go from here. But she is, and always has been, an.incredibly.single-minded woman. By the.time I got there, she had already collected all.the.documents she.needs, and made an.appointment with a family.lawyer.who happens to be her Dad's best friend for.tomorrow. She doesn't know.what's going to happen over the next few.wells, bit she.recognises.that she cannot.control him so.is stopping contact to focus on her own well-being and give him time to stew decide whether this really is.what he wants to do. Either way, she is doing what she can to make sure she is prepared either for a future with or without him.

Thank you so much for all your help - much appreciated

[happyAvocado]

looks like she is in good hands re:lawer
that is half battle won!