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Is this acceptable behaviour or am i just not cool enough:(

(111 Posts)
Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 07:47:16

My partner of four years and i have been happy for most of that time. He's the love of my life and ive worked at things with him more than i did in my previous relationship. We have had a difficult time this last twelve months unemployment financial difficulties few opportunities or funds for social life and very little family support from either side.
I am a person who likes to sort things out talk so as to make things better he is a person who needs space and distance in which to sort things out. Its hard to adapt to but i try. Not always easy though.
Trouble is over the last 9 months he has left the house a few times its always been his way but hes used to come back after visiting his brother or walking around for a while. Now he goes to his ex partners house to see his son. I have no problem with that he loves his son i would never stand in the way of his relationship with him.
However his ex partner who goes through phases of letting her son stay at our house or saying my partner must see his son at her house so i understand why he goes there.
Would anyone else be happy though if their partner stayed overnight (in their sons double bed) and occassionally had drinks with their ex partner while there?
I trust he hasnt cheated but its the intimacy of the drinking laughing the communication they will have. Its very obvious to me he respects her alot, he makes effort to be chatty and upbeat,I sound like im so insecure but they have a history a son, and not long after our first year together he text her and asked if there was a chance for them. He told me i told him he owes it to himself to try if he feels theres unfinished business. I want him to be happy im not so selfish that id want him to be with me if he wasnt happy. She didnt give him an answer just demanded he grew a pair and did right by her and her son No i love you, please come home nothing. This went on for months but he stayed with me. Then one day she asked him he said no he loved me. I truely believe he does love me. He doesnt really have many other places to go nor do i.
Ive asked that when he goes to her house that once his son is asleep he comes home to me as once hes asleep why would he want to be there ?
He agrees for a while then starts to stay over again.his ex has told me she doesnt love him but loves him as her sons dad and has admitted she likes the company now and again. He went friday after a row( it was me who was at fault ) but none the less i appologised it was sincere. Hes still there. Has been since friday afternoon. Hardly any communication. He's done it so many times this last few months even rings her and holds up the phone when we have disagreements. Its not that hes there so much as the no communication from him when he knows how upset it makes me. When he doesnt communicate i have to admit it infuriates me and although i dont show that in my communications to him i do text him quite a lot purely to evoke a response and only when hes there for nights at a time.
He says im paranoid but he does continuously go there and i am ignored when that happens. He says i need to cool about it. Im too controlling.?. I dont think that. i think she is the controlling one making him have to see his son at her house. Also i wouldnt sleep over or have drinks with my ex A because i wouldnt to but mainly out of respect for my partner and his feelings. Am i wrong in my opinion should i chill out? Please advise thanks. I havent posted anything like this before im Not even sure i should have feel a bit niave but want to respect his needs and those of his son, want to show trust in these actions but not be taken for a fool if you get my drift. Thanks everyone.

joblot Mon 06-May-13 07:55:19

I wouldn't be ok with it. He still had feelings for her and wanted to reunite not that long ago. Sounds as if he's keeping his options open. Sounds extremely disrespectful of you. And quite possibly he's lying about what they get up to. I think if you believe it's unacceptable and you wouldn't do it then he has a different moral code to you and you're heading for trouble

WhereMyMilk Mon 06-May-13 07:55:54

Sorry this is your situation, but I think you know the answer.

He isn't over her. Doesn't care enough about you or your feelings. He has no respect.

It's time to finish this so you can get on with your life.

Dozer Mon 06-May-13 08:00:48

No, of course it is not OK for him to go round to his ex's whenever you have a row!

How old is his son? If not tiny, then the access arrangements are odd and your partner could seek advice about changing them.

Why did you stay with him when, a year into your relationship, he tried to get back with his ex over a period of months? And since then has done all this kind of crap and accused you of being controlling and paranoid!

You say that you have worked hard at the relationship. Has/does he? It doesn't sound like it. He sounds selfish and uncaring towards you, and quite possibly cheating, even if not physically then emotionally.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 06-May-13 08:03:48

If it was some other woman he was spending consecutive nights with, would you even be asking this question? Of course it's not OK.

ThereGoesTheYear Mon 06-May-13 08:08:27

He calls her and holds up the phone when you two have a disagreement shock
This isn't about seeing his son (or else why not come home when the son is asleep) but about connecting in some way with his ex. Whether he is hoping to get back together or just having a moan about you, this isn't appropriate.
How would he feel if you stayed over st your ex's house whenever you had an argument?

thepixiefrog Mon 06-May-13 08:08:31

Hi OP, I really think he's taking the piss. He doesn't respect you at all. If he did he would take your concerns seriously and be sensitive to your feelings, especially since in the past he has asked to get back with her.

I really don't think that your relationship is a healthy one, and won't be until you stop tolerating such twattish behaviour from him. Why did you let him stay with you knowing that he was waiting for the green light from her?

He has been there all weekend? They are most definitely sleeping together, I'll eat my hat if they aren't. And if, by some small miracle, they are not, it's still an EA as he's going to her for comfort after arguments with you.

He is not going to alter his behaviour because there have been no consequences. have his bags packed and waiting for him on the doorstep. He really isn't worth any more bother.

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 08:12:10

He says he wants a friendship with her, he doesnt love her and isnt attracted to her anymore( suppose he would say that) but i do believe him. I do think he misses the banter they had and i know he misses seeing his son as often as he used to. He didnt really bother too much about her when everything was great with us and when things got tricky for reasons stated above he seems to run to her instead of staying and working through things with me. Each time he does this im left feeling let down believing he wont stay too long. Youre right i think i do know but i can be insecure too and wanted to be reasonable and show trust. If his actions are honourable though and the space he needs from time to time isnt respected then the relationship wont be good again as before. I just think he could show more empathy take into account how it affects my feelings and that of my children.(not his but even so) his ex partner hasnt yet had another relationship so im concerned that she may be manipulating the situation too. Do i end it or give it time. I really dont want to get this wrong. No pressure on anyone,:/ ha. il decide in my time i know. What i mean is would time be something that anyone who was in my position be willing to give or would you decide enoughs enough after the nine month period in question? Hes done this around 9 or 10 during that time. Thanks for the advise.

Roshbegosh Mon 06-May-13 08:12:25

He holds the phone up for her to hear your arguments? They should be private, that alone is betraying you.

Roshbegosh Mon 06-May-13 08:15:55

This woman will always be in his life though, he can never leave her behind because of the child. This could be on and off for ever.

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 08:18:03

Thanks. Im going to toughen up youve all helped. Im not usually so weak weve overcome so much and i wanted to be sure. I know if i was reading a post from someone elsevi would advise the same as you guys. Thanks again. Its not easy when its me though but yesbi know it has to stop or end for good. sad i'l keep you all posted mightbneed the support if ok but thsnks for your help x

Thisisaeuphemism Mon 06-May-13 08:20:45

Do I want to be 2nd best in a relationship? No, I don't.

In your op, you say you've been mostly happy but the last year has been difficult. Surely when he was begging his ex to get back with him that wasn't a happy time?

You have to decide what's more important - to be cool ie walked over or to keep your boundaries/ self respect...

thepixiefrog Mon 06-May-13 08:21:08

Op there is nothing honourable about it. He disregards your feelings repeatedly, he goes to her when you are having a difficult time and let's her hear your arguments. there are 3 people in your relationship.

I apologise if this sounds harsh, but it may be worth considering counselling on your own to look at why you accept such appalling behaviour from other people. You don't seem to value yourself very highly at all.

I'm sorry you are going through this, I wish you all the best.

Thisisaeuphemism Mon 06-May-13 08:21:38

Good luck purple peach...

LibertineLover Mon 06-May-13 08:21:46

What?!! If this was a friendtelling you this, I'm sure you would say he's ripping the piss out of her and their relationship.

Sorry OP but he's taking you for a right mug, and you're absolutely letting him.

If you really do want this to work,I'd put down firm boundaries from here on in, starting with no staying over?! That's madness,but I have to say, if he's stayed there since Friday, it does look like they're sleeping together.


Confuseddd Mon 06-May-13 08:23:27

I totally agree Roshbegosh - it's so disrespectful.

OP, sorry you're going through this, it sounds very painful. Both parties haveto communicate to make a relationship work. It sounds like your making all the effort and to make it worse it may have to be you that ends it even though it's him that's withdrawing. However, for our self respect, I would try to be strong. Put his stuff in a bin bag outdo the front door next time he goes off and he can pick it up he he deigns to return. I think you have to stop entertaining him.

Jeez, men like this get up my nose. he sounds totally immature and irresponsible.

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 08:24:58

Yes Roshbegosh ive considered that i cant keep going through this forever though. Yes a friendship, being parents but sleeping over drinking and socialising and confiding in her not on. we should be together working through things if i am paranoid at times doesnt he know he's adding to that? I wouldnt want to hurt him like this. Also how confusing for their son seeing mum and dad in the same house his house together and often. What about when my partner does leave? Quite upsetting really forvhim i think. He's five. My partner can still be a fatger to his child without being there at her house. He wont stand up to her though he doesnt eant to be prevented from seeing his child. Shes done that before. Anyway thanks x

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 08:27:19

Thanks for all the posts so far il be back soon to reply x

Rindercella Mon 06-May-13 08:31:10

You know, if you have overcome so much and he treats you like this, he is a total dickhead. From what you have said, he has no respect for you. To hold up the phone for her to hear your arguments is unforgivable, And it smacks of him wanting her to know that you have issues. He has been there since Friday afternoon? So he has been playing happy families with her and their son while you have been left by yourself. That just seems terribly cruel to me. Do you want to be with someone who treats you so cruelly and with such little respect? I know I wouldn't.

I personally don't think this will ever get any better for you. He will always need to be in contact with her, as she is his son's mother. He will always do his best to make you feel insecure about her as he is a bastard.

Don't think about what you will lose by dumping him, think about what you will gain. Like a sticking plaster, it will hurt at first, but very quickly you will feel better.

RollerCola Mon 06-May-13 08:31:23

Sorry if it's not the answer you hope to hear op but I don't think that giving him time will really make much difference. It seems that he wants to be with his ex more than with you at the moment - it may just only be a temporary thing while you're having some issues - but by running to her each time you try to address them he's not facing them at all.

Giving him more time won't help unless you can get him to face up to the problems at home so you need to either get him to stop going over & talk to you, or finish with him until he does. So sorry you have such a hard decision, some men are notoriously bad at facing problems and they're a bugger to try to pin down. He's got some serious thinking to do as well.

Lweji Mon 06-May-13 08:33:13

Way too messy.
He should really choose one way or the other.

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 08:35:31

Thanks for all the posts so far il be back soon to reply x

sleeton Mon 06-May-13 08:36:27

"even rings her and holds up the phone when we have disagreements"

Your relationship is over.

For me, the phrase I've quoted says it all. He is holding you in utter contempt by doing that.

Value yourself, in a way that he does not value you. Hold your head up and walk away.

sleeton Mon 06-May-13 08:44:56

I have just realised how cold my post sounds and ... true ... I feel bitterly cold towards this man who holds the phone up so his ex can hear the woman who loves him struggling to hang on to her relationship.

Bitterly cold. He is the muck on my shoe.

I do not however, feel cold towards you Purplepeach. Be strong, value yourself, don't let him erode you any more (he is eroding you) ... end it, today.

Best luck!

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 08:45:19

Im going thriugh it because it was amazing and still this issue aside is rewarding for us both. Our problems are purely circumstantial ive been unable to get a job for the last 16 months and i try extremely hard. We live in a smsll town and i need full time its a battle everyone going for tye same good jobs. :/ my fathervdied suddenly in february too. It tipped my world upside down. I cant face the thought of losing the two men i love most in the world in such a short space of time. I really dont wantvto give up he is a good man. Has manybfaults but ive been a challenge too. I wint try indefinately though i cant. Im looking for a different house to rent mine is too expensive ive got debts that the cab are helping me manage 2 children a gay ex husband i had no idea, lol now i feel stupid. Not been what id hoped for but thos relationship has been worth the effort its only now im starting to know i cant keep going thriugh it. Everything at once just got a bit much. I want to sort it but if thrres no communication from him today il communicate with him if no joy il take his things to her house if sge wants him she can have all his stuff too. :/ il be back thanks

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