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If you had an ex partner who was having a really hard time

(38 Posts)
whatwouldyoudoifyouwereme Sun 05-May-13 20:27:10

Would you offer to have them to stay for a while until they got back on their feet?

Not money hard time - health hard time. Friendly break up.

Regular. N/C.

Lweji Sun 05-May-13 20:33:22

Probably not, tbh.
God knows when they would leave and how much work it would be.
A friendly break up is not the same as being best friends.
And what would it entail? Lodger status or you taking care of him?

Are there any children?

whatwouldyoudoifyouwereme Sun 05-May-13 20:34:32

Lodger status. With some taking care of them. No mutual kids.

NotConnie Sun 05-May-13 20:39:54

Absolutely depends on the reason why you split up in the first place. EA/DV/cheating etc - no way. I read that you said it was a friendly break up so bBasic incompatibiltiy etc, yes I would consider it.

Lweji Sun 05-May-13 20:40:42

And you have to consider how far you'd go with the taking care too.
Could it become a big burden?

tribpot Sun 05-May-13 20:41:27

No mutual kids but there are children in the house? In which case - no.

whatwouldyoudoifyouwereme Sun 05-May-13 20:42:35

No EA/DV/Cheating - we are still friends. Kids are half grown - no small kids in the house.

How far with taking care is difficult to know at this point.

deleted203 Sun 05-May-13 20:43:57

Nope. I don't think so.

FlatCapAndAWhippet Sun 05-May-13 20:45:36

I dont think I would. If it was my XH I would probably pop round to his house to make sure he was ok, every day if he needed me, take him some comforting home made food but no, I wouldn't offer my home.

On the other hand, if he were to ask me I couldn't say no.

whatwouldyoudoifyouwereme Sun 05-May-13 20:46:13

It's not an XH.

Lweji Sun 05-May-13 20:47:18

One of the problems would be if you got involved again, or would pity him too much to detach.

I might if it was to recover a few weeks from an operation, but probably not if it was cancer.
And half grown (teenagers?) can be more sensitive than young children.

Earlybird Sun 05-May-13 20:48:13

If you don't/won't care for him, does he have other friends/family who will (note: I understand he is no longer 'your responsibility', but wonder what other options he has for support)

Is he likely to get better, or is it a potentially terminal diagnosis?

How long ago did you split, and what is his relationship like with your dc?

whatwouldyoudoifyouwereme Sun 05-May-13 20:48:17

I wouldn't get involved again.

It's not cancer but is potentially life-altering.

whatwouldyoudoifyouwereme Sun 05-May-13 20:49:20

There is no family who are able to care for him.

He will get better but it is likely to be a hard road. And at this point I have no idea, nor does he, how long it will take.

Split a few months ago, he's good with the DCs.

Lweji Sun 05-May-13 20:53:31

Also, how have you been since breaking up?

I'd be weary of putting myself in such situation with someone I had (relatively) recently broken up with.
Why has he fallen into hard times? Is it health alone?

What if he was never to leave or needed greater and greater care?

You don't have to answer here, but you should ask yourself those questions, IMO.

tribpot Sun 05-May-13 20:54:06

Another klaxon going off - a recent split.

I'd do as FlatCap suggests and offer to provide some support in his own house.

whatwouldyoudoifyouwereme Sun 05-May-13 20:55:44

I'm grand I am not carrying a torch for him or anything - it is health alone. He won't need greater care. It's a matter of care for a few weeks/months until things sort themselves out.

Providing support in his own house isn't a realistic option.

tribpot Sun 05-May-13 20:59:43

Given this is potentially life-altering (and I fully appreciate you don't want to say what it is) I don't think you can be certain there will be no complications or requirement for follow-on care. What's his backup plan if you say you can't do it?

whatwouldyoudoifyouwereme Sun 05-May-13 21:03:04

He hasn't asked. I am thinking of offering. At this point I don't know what his back up plan is, I suspect a long period in hospital and some sort of nursing care coming in and out when he does get home.

sarahseashell Sun 05-May-13 21:17:05

I probably wouldn't given that you've got dcs to care for already and would give him as much help and support as possible in hospital/his own home instead. But I can see your dilemna and might do (sorry not much help) I think how long you were together for and whether he lived with you are also factors.

Trust your instincts as to what's best for you but remember you don't have to and you are free to set limits eg a time limit for him to stay too. Tricky one. All the best thanks

akaWisey Sun 05-May-13 21:18:11

I can't think of a single reason that I'd do that for ex p. He hasn't asked of course and I wouldn't expect him to.

But if he had no one/else where to turn? No.

whatwouldyoudoifyouwereme Sun 05-May-13 21:18:50

I can't say what it is, it would identify him and that's not fair.

littleballerina Sun 05-May-13 21:19:54

i did.

i felt good for doing it but apparently it was too odd for everyone else.
not odd enough for them to do anything but odd enough for me to get lots of abuse.

whatwouldyoudoifyouwereme Sun 05-May-13 21:30:35

Thanks all for the advice.

Earlybird Sun 05-May-13 21:35:01

Do you have any idea exactly what caring for him would entail? Simply giving him a place to recuperate, and providing meals? Laundry? Or would it involve more? Are you physically up to it?

How long do you imagine you could/would want to do it? Could you offer for an agreed period of time, rather than leave it open-ended?

I think it is wonderful of you to think of offering. As a single parent with no family support, I sometimes wonder what would happen if I had a health issue. It is scary to contemplate.

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