Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Am I reading too much into this?(21 Posts)
OK - apologies in advance - this may be long! Apologies also if it makes me sound like some kind of lovestruck teenager although I confess that's a little how I feel..!
Quick background - married for 12 years, 3 kids. We were good(ish) friends but it wasn't the happiest of marriages, lots of passive aggression and moodiness on his part and an expectation of sex on tap pretty much when and where he wanted. He went and got it elsewhere, I found out and chucked him out. This is nearly two years ago. I didn't go through MAJOR heartbreak - of course I was sad etc etc but it was also a relief.
For the next 18 months or so I just wasn't interested in anyone, couldn't imagine ever being bothered about having sex again. Was doing just fine...
I started a new job a few months ago - great bunch of people, lots of out of work socialising and, due to nature of the job lots of on the job socialising too.
I've struck up a 'friendship' with one of my colleagues who is 15 years my junior. We get on brilliantly, really bloody brilliantly, share the same outlook, same sense of humour etc. We have spent hours and hours in bars together all over the country both with colleagues and just the two of us and also spend most nights chatting on online until the early hours. It's massive fun.
Except that I've fallen for him - proper big huge crush time. I can overlook the age difference (even though I realise it's ridiculous!) although sometimes he's a bit too much like my teen with a few strops here and there (not at me, about stuff / work).
I just don't know what to do. I can't decide whether he thinks I'm just a good laugh, silly old donkey who he enjoys spending time with or whether he might feel the same way too. There have been opportunities which could have been taken but they haven't and I know that I could take opportunities too but would fear of being branded some kind of old pervert! I would also hate to lose the friendship.
So I'm not sure what I'm asking really but the longer nothing happens, the more it's doing my head in. And I guess that might be the thing - if nothing has happened yet it's really not going to?
Any advice, words of wisdom or just tell me to calm the * down and find someone my own age?!
Calm down, find someone your own age and enjoy the crush. Like crushes on movie stars as a teen, it's your emotions stretching their legs & having a run-out in a 'safe' way with someone that would probably be very flattered to know you fancied him but which might be a dreadful idea given that you work together.
What is his relationship history?
Can you imagine introducing your dc/family to him?
What would be reaction at work if/when a relationship became public knowledge?
What repercussions could it have for you (work/otherwise) if you embarked on a relationship with a colleague that went pear-shaped?
My boyfriend is more than 15 years my junior
May not be such a good idea with a work colleague like others say unless you can maintain your control/professional abilities if he says thanks but not thanks or it goes pear shaped.
ooh I love these kind of threads, I will lurk voyeuristically
I was about to post something similar but he's 18 years younger and we don't work together and we're seeing each other. It's tricky but it can work. My friend has just married her significantly younger man. I wouldn't rule it out at all and no, why wouldn't he find you attractive? People generally just fall for people. You sound like you're having fun. Long may it last
not sure about relationship history. And yes would be happy to introduce to family and dc - infact dc have met him albeit as a colleague, very briefly when setting off somewhere. As to what work reaction would be I'm not sure - would'nt be the first time there has been people seeing each other but I presume that they were more 'regular' couples
How much do you know about him - really?
Asking because with 'hours' of time together and chatting online, it is reasonable to think you might have talked about your past lives.
Based on your name, am I right in guessing that you are 46 and he is 31?
Which of you is senior in the company? Do you supervise him or does he supervise you at work?
Peggoty - erm enjoy?!
oopsadaisymaisy - well I know but I'm enjoying it so much that whilst we would be able to work together if it didn't work or he didn't feel that way, I would REALLY miss the friendship as I'm sure we couldn't maintain it the way it currently is... BUT I also want to jump him!!
earlybird - I do know lots about him but we haven't done any past relationship stuff, not in any depth anyway - he knows my situation and I know he's single and has been for some time. Yep, you have the ages right. I am senior but don't manage him in any capacity - different department
I was in this position once, except the gap was slightly less, but he was much younger - 22 to my 35. Which I think is significant because I can quite see now that he was just too young for me, notwithstanding that he told me I was his best friend, could talk to me about anything, never wanted to contemplate a time when I wasn't in his life, and so on. He used to compliment me daily, said he would leave his job if I did, gave me lifts home from work despite it being massively out of his way. Pretty much everyone we worked with thought we were seeing each other - and despite me initially thinking it was ridiculous that he could be interested, because I was so much older, I started thinking maybe, given everyone else thought something was going on, that he did actually like me in that way...
We went on like that for about 6 months til he told a mutual friend one day how much he still loved his Ex (who he told me he couldn't bear to speak to ever again) and the scales sort of fell from my eyes, I realised he only saw me as a friend and sadly - because I took it rather badly - it put paid to our friendship.
That's kind of the worst outcome, sorry, I hope it works out better for you than it did for me!
Why would you be reading too much into it? Do you think there's a possibility he doesn't feel the same?
I don't know Cognitive - I guess I just don't have much confidence in that department and fear that he would be horrified at the thought that I might have such thoughts!!
Velvet spoon - sorry it ended your friendship. That's kind of what i'm worried about.
As it happens - there's nothing to fret over tonight because he's being an arse so I can quit pining for the time being!!
When the romantic/giddy side of a person has lain dormant for a long time, it is exciting to be reminded it is still there.
But in your shoes, I'd be looking for someone closer to my own age with similar life experiences (and someone who wouldn't potentially jeopardise my professional credibility and effectiveness).
But, in the meantime - have fun chatting and flirting. No reason to make it all serious or anxiety-inducing! This doesn't need to lead anywhere - and probably shouldn't.
Ooh I don't know what to advise, but I don't think the age gap need be a problem at all. I hope he returns your feelings.
have u tried flirting? testing the waters..... that would be the obvious thing to me, when you chatting online innuendo amongst the witty banter....
age is just a number, my mums partner is 12 years younger then her, I am 14 years younger then dh. dont think it matters.
I am a man and met my girlfriend in 2001 when I was 26 and she was 41. We are still together she has 2 daughters that were 10 and 4 when we met, I have helped bring them up.
We have had a business together for 7 years.
Had great holidays.
She has had breast cancer recently and we have got through that.
If your compatible then go for it!
He hasn't made a move and he has had the opportunity so don't pounce. It could be horribly embarrassing. Do you think he would be interested in taking on your children? Please? Just have fun and enjoy it for what it is.
Start making a few flirty hints about taking it further so he knows that you are game. He will either take you up on it or back off. You will know if he feels the same.
It doesn't sound like a long-term thing but why not have some fun?!
I think this could be a catalyst for you rather than the be all and end all. IMVHO it is to show you that you ARE ready to start exploring the possibility of dating. It might be with this guy, it might very well not.
Step back a bit, think and analyse the situation.
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.