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thinking things through, would appreciate any advice / thoughts

(37 Posts)
StillStuck Sun 05-May-13 19:28:19

have name changed, please don't out me if you recognise this and know my normal posting name, I feel the need to post under this one.

I posted another thread a while ago, I was seriously thinking about leaving DH and fair percentage of people on the thread said they would in my shoes. we were talking about a separation when I found out I was (most unexpectedly) pregnant with dc 2 (we have a 2.5 year old)...

the back story (which I have posted in detail before) is that he has behaved quite badly at times ever since DS arrived. shouting and swearing at me that I am a 'shit mother' (e.g. if I asked him to give me a break). when ds was very ill with eczema between 3-5 months he would come home and yell at me about the state of the house, yet ds was so ill I was spending the whole time looking after him with medicines, creams and he had dreadful diarrhoea from constant antibiotics.
when I had food poisoning he was yelling at me that I was a shit mother when I asked him for a break so I could sleep and try and keep some liquid down.
when DS broke his leg (at nursery) DH threw a tantrum about going to hospital instead of helping out (short version of story)

in between times he is helpful, but the shouting swearing tantrums really get to me, and I feel like I modify my behaviour to avoid them.

anyway... since finding out I was pregnant I have had hyperemesis, been admitted to hospital twice. DH on a number of occasions shouted and sworn at me when I was very ill in bed and needed him to look after ds. when ds broke my sick bowl in an accident DH screamed and swore at us both.

I just feel I saw the pregnancy as a chance for him to show me his behaviour has changed, and instead when I was at my most vulnerable he actted the same. in between times he is a good dad and does his share around the house etc. but the tempers are so draining. I confided in a friend last night and they couldn't even believe DH was capable of this.DH is remorseful now I have said how upset it made me, and upset about how he behaved in front of DS. but I am just so worried about how bad it will be when I am vulnerable again with a newborn (and highly likely another caesarean recovery). I almost feel it would be better to go it alone, but then I worry about whether this is a selfish thing to do to my children. DS would have to cope with me looking after him and a newborn on my own, and the baby would never know their dad..... hmmm.

sorry it is long. I will try and find my other thread and link as well

wordyBird Mon 06-May-13 15:11:30

I remember your earlier thread, stillstuck.

Your latest posts show your H in his full character as a selfish bully. The criticism, aggression, knowing better, laughing at you is classic emotional abuse: as is trying to withhold medical treatment from your son (last thread) and shouting at you for being ill.

I suspect a real acid test for an abuser is their response to you when you are ill, or weakened in some way. Illness enrages abusers. They hate it. It really brings out their true, selfish colours.

So I think you're right to tell him to arrange somewhere to stay forthwith. Chances are he will do some planning himself: this may involve ignoring you, staying on anyway as he did before, constant attempts to control you, manipulate you by being unusually nice, guilt trip you about children.... he won't do nothing, that's for sure, and he'll do his best to frustrate you.

So you need to be in the strongest position you can while you have the chance.
Good luck, and take care.

littleballerina Mon 06-May-13 15:47:42

welldone stillstuck!
good on you.

make an appointment at cab, find out options etc and be proud of yourself! it won't be easy but you've made a start!

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Mon 06-May-13 17:54:18

Why do you think that the baby will not know his father if you leave? He can still be a father, separate from you.

StillStuck Mon 06-May-13 18:06:56

I don't mean they won't know the father ehric, just been they won't get to start life with us all as one family if that makes sense. Of course they will still seem him

StillStuck Mon 06-May-13 18:08:05

Sorry read my first post and realise why you were thinking that! Think I missed off secondhalf of a sentence!

ImperialBlether Mon 06-May-13 18:23:40

If you were happy when your husband was working away, think how your son felt. You're right - if your husband stays, your son will probably end up speaking to you in the same way. He certainly won't respect you for staying.

Your husband sounds absolutely awful. I'm sure there can be good times, if you are well and everything's going OK, but for god's sake, for him to be screaming about getting up with his own child when his wife is being sick - that is absolutely disgraceful. It's particularly bad given he's not even at home all the time.

His poor parents have clearly suffered at his hands. Reassure them that you'll still be just as involved with them as always - I'd put money on them expecting you to leave him and you've probably lasted a lot longer than they thought you would. It was good of them to ask you about his anger when you met, too - imagine how hard that must have been for them and how worried they must have been about the way he'd treat you.

lemonstartree Mon 06-May-13 21:57:34

This is a horrible horrible man. Please please make him leave. I wouldn't treat my flatmate (if I had one) as he has treated you. Its cruel, heartless and utterly selfish.

Just get rid....please....

StillStuck Mon 06-May-13 22:04:25

we have been discussing how it will work, I have told him he needs to find somewhere to stay by the time he gets back from his work trip. there are plenty of friends he can stay with temporarily and then we will work out money etc when he is back, it gives me time to research and plan.

he says he doesn't know 'why' he did it. I just said I don't really care why, its actually not relevant to me.

StillStuck Mon 06-May-13 22:08:03

are there any good resources for explaining what is going on to a toddler? he's 2.5 but and his language is very advanced for his age so he will be asking a lot of questions and needing satisfactory answers to them but he is still a baby really.

Jux Mon 06-May-13 22:19:46

I think you get a favourite dvd ready. Then you say something like "Sometimes it turns out that it's better for everybody if two people don't live together any more. Sometimes, if a person is mean and calls names and shouts and gets very cross, they can find that they like each other better if they live apart. So that's what mummy and daddy are going to try, so that they can get along better. We both love you very, very much, and you will always be the most important person in the world to me." Give him a few minutes for questions and then put on the dvd....

Truth in simple language.
Lots of reassurance.

Is that any good? Others will have better wording, I expect. I've not had to do it, so could be very wrong.

ElectricSheep Mon 06-May-13 22:26:02

Do you need to 'announce' it? After all if he is used to his dad going away a lot he will assume he's just on a work trip won't he?

Personally, I'd delay telling him until you are a bit further down the line and you know where you are going to be and everything is a bit more settled.

When the time comes I just stick to very basic facts - Dad has a new house. You will see him on x days at his new house. And then be directed by his questions. I'm sure there will be some good books at the library about mummy and daddy living apart. But I'd hold off at this stage.

StillStuck Mon 06-May-13 22:35:53

electric I was thinking I will wait at least until dh is back from his work trip, as that is normal anyway, and then means we will have more of a plan so it will be easier for me to answer questions. But there will be questions in time, he notices everything!

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