Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

help me stay strong, i am planning my escape but he wants to go to relate (deluded wanker)

(19 Posts)
yummytummy Sun 05-May-13 17:15:32

so, have been in relationship for a long long time, last few years he has become a total nasty evil fw with lots and lots of physical and emotional abuse. anyway recently i have called the police but they have released him and he is at home.

now i am getting the 'i want to work through this bad patch' and 'i miss the kids' 'lets go to relate' all with absolutely no acknowledgement for his own part in all this.

initially it was like 'you put me in jail' no love u did that yourself. and 'you dont know what i went through' no but am glad u suffered for even one day i have suffered for years. 'and i almost lost my job then we would all be out on the streets.' no maybe just you actually.no apologies no realisation that i am petrified of him being here even with the fake nice act. even if he was 'nice' forever it wouldnt be enough.

anyway for one reason or another solicitors appt delayed till later in week. house is jointly owned. what other steps are there. what is mediation? is that through solicitors?

its horrible as the whole family dont believe me as he is very good at acting like golden boy. i on the other hand am often upset tense and stressed so i come across as the bad one or one with issues and i have noone to be on my side and tell him to stop the shit treatment. its all oh he wouldnt do that ur exaggerating look how much he does for u and the kids. i feel like screaming and stabbling him when he is sitting there laughing with his family.

anyway am trying to plan to get out and just pretending to fall for the act. theres no use even trying to talk or get him to admit fault he never has and he never will. i know that now. anything and everything will eternally be my fault. obv part of me does wish he would be like oh im so sorry i will change blah blah blah but he doesnt get that to move forward he has to admit and accept it which he wont.

but am rambling now it just helps to get it out so i can reaffirm the reasons i need to get out. any advice or help much appreciated.

Hissy Sun 05-May-13 17:17:40

Where there is abuse, RELATE is almost always NEVER recommended.

he will use the therapy to further turn on you and gain power over the therapist.

You do need counselling, but one-on-one. Tell him you will go, but alone.

ColinCaterpillar Sun 05-May-13 17:20:54

Stay strong. He is not taking any responsibility for his actions. Aside from Hissy's point, therapy doesn't work on someone who doesnt believe they have a problem.

It's not a bad patch, it's a bad relationship with a damaged individual.

WestieMamma Sun 05-May-13 17:21:19

I don't think mediation is recommended where there has been abuse.

Darkesteyes Sun 05-May-13 17:24:33

And ive seen threads on here in the past where some Relate therapists have gone along with it.
Id like to think it was due to lack of suitable training to recognise abuse.
But im afraid the cynic in me tells me its down to £££££

Ive seen this come up time and time again on these boards. Its about time some tighter controls were brought in.

OP please dont attend counselling with him. He will manipulate and use it to make you doubt yourself. Thats why he wants counselling.

DameFanny Sun 05-May-13 17:26:50

If you end up in a counselling session, make your first words "we're here because he tried to strangle me"

The counsellor will stop the session themselves.

Lweji Sun 05-May-13 17:40:47

Mediation is through solicitors, but forget about it, as forget about joint counselling. He'll just make it difficult and hell for you.

Yes, do play along with going to Relate, or whatever, and plan your exit anyway.
Get in contact with WA, CAB, CSA and keep with your solicitor.
Do you have any friends who will support you?

When you say the whole family, do you mean his or yours too?

yummytummy Sun 05-May-13 17:52:18

My family and his they think he is an angel as he is very clever and speaks to me like a normal person when out and reserves true colours for at home. Noone even wants to hear it. When I leave I will be alone. His father charmingly said I must be making up stories and if I want to leave I can but they will keep the kids. I dont bloody think so.

Def dont want to go counseling. He got idea from ss woman who he fooled too. Just want to play along not to wind him up or make it suss that I am planning something

Its shocking how he cant see his own fault and cant see how all the abusive stuff he has said and done wdnt have a bad effect. That lundy bancroft was written for him he is textbook abuser

Darkesteyes Sun 05-May-13 17:56:59

So he fooled the ss woman which proves the points i made in my last post. What is wrong with these "professionals" Have they no fucking common sense at all.
yummy please contact Womens Aid 0808 2000 247

yummytummy Sun 05-May-13 18:35:37

Darkest have been in touch with wa but tbh I think my local branch is a bit rubbish
They have messed up solicitor appts few times and its v hard to get hold of my caseworker. I just feel really alone in all this. Apart from wa and ss where else is there help?

Scarletohello Sun 05-May-13 18:56:46

If he has been convicted for a crime (e.g assault), you can contact your local Victim Support scheme. They should do a risk assessment with you and help you come up with a plan to help you leave and, v importantly, keep you safe. You don't have to go through this alone.

TeaMakesItAllPossible Sun 05-May-13 19:36:18

The Freedom Programme often has local day time sessions - sometimes childcare is provided. The purpose of the programme is ensure you've got a network, to help you by helping you understand the abuse and what it is, if you go there will be others there suffering similarly who will be able to point you to good helpful resource nearby. This, or counselling for yourself to support you get out, would be better than going to relate.

As well as a solicitor I would advise talking to CAB to find out what benefits are available to you and your DC. I think you need an appointment to do it.

yummytummy Sun 05-May-13 19:58:23

am already going to freedom programme but past few sessions havent been as the creche wasnt available. other ladies there are already out but in vastly different situations so their escape routes wouldnt have been the same iykwim?

Lweji Sun 05-May-13 20:27:41

You could record him on your phone or get a voice recorder for when he starts the abuse.

turbochildren Sun 05-May-13 20:45:58

hello yummy, what an awful situation for you.
Are you north or south? Not to out yourself, just there are services available around but they can be patchy.
There are domestic abuse outreach services some places, certainly in Surrey, Liverpool has the Women's centre, and if you go to Relate and speak about what he's done you should be offered separate sessions.
Seconding Lweji, try to record some stuff. It will be evidence for you if this goes to court. Or even keep a diary, but of course something that has him saying things will be clearest.

Stay strong, you are in the right here.

yummytummy Sun 05-May-13 21:15:47

I have a diary but police seized it as evidence. Wd I be able to get it back? Will just start a new one.

Its just the constant tension of hin being here he just doesnt get it. Oh but I am keeping out of your way yeah why dont u just stay away permanently

yummytummy Sun 05-May-13 21:17:25

Its probably not worth trying to get him to acknowledge he is at fault is it? I know he prob wont but I do think jail has given him a real fright. Good

Lweji Sun 05-May-13 21:27:59

Forget about acknowledging fault. You either prove it or just show you don't want to stay married.

You could refer to the police, the incident or case, to allow your diary to be included in the divorce proceedings.

It's a personal item and they should make copies of relevant bits and return it to you.

YoniBottsBumgina Sun 05-May-13 21:28:34

No don't bother trying to get him to acknowledge anything. It won't change what happened and it will be difficult to impossible, waste of time and energy.

Does your local police have a domestic violence team? They may be able to advise you re legal action to get him out. Since you have dv on file you should be eligible for legal aid too - might be worth just ringing round some places which accept it to see if they are experienced with dv cases.

Look on women's aid website too, they have a list by county of what services are available. You could see if there are any other organisations.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now