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P being unfaithful

(153 Posts)
TwoSugarsWithLotsOfMilk Sun 05-May-13 10:53:24

Have NC'd as my usual moniker is very telling.

Backstory: I moved in with MIL and FIL because of DP's work. We moved when DS was 2 months old. My family are nowhere near, not many friends even after 18 months of being here. Also a language barrier as most people here speak [as a primary] a language I don't know, but am learning. They're happy with English, but it's still awkward. I had PND badly, really suffered with it but am out of the woods now.

In the past I have found sexually explicit texts/e-mails/Facebook messages from DP to a man, who is a friend from school days. I was understandably distraught, but was assured it wouldn't happen again and that he was just trying to deal with the strain of being a new parent and being in a new job and having to deal with my PND. He also assured me that he was not gay, and that it was "all talk and no action" if you get my drift? He cut contact with this person voluntarily.

About 5 months after this happened, I accidentally saw a Facebook conversation with a girl, as our Google Chrome opens the last viewed page. In it, there were some fairly sexually explicit messages, mostly from her but some from him.

She also was incredibly cruel about me, claiming that I was using my PND as an excuse to laze about and that a year after the birth of my child is too long to be clinging to my excess weight. Although DP stood up for me in that instance, I couldn't ignore the messages. We began a trial separation and I eventually accepted him back after a fortnight of him trying his utmost to make things right between us.

Since then, we've been closer than ever, our DS has grown and I've never felt more happy. Our sexlife was back on track and it felt like a whole new relationship.

Fast forward another 7 months to today. He's been texting his very close friend [S] a lot, because she lives far away and so we only see her sporadically. They are very close, have been friends since they were little, and is considered an integral part of our friendship circle. They had a brief fling about 9 years ago, when they were in their teens, but nothing ever came of it and DP was upfront and honest about there being no feelings involved, and that it was just sex and "not very good sex at that" [his words].

His phone vibrates and because I'm closest, I check. It's from S and it is filthy. I go and check his previous contact with S only to find around a days worth of messages, but all the messages have turned deeply sexual.

DP - "You can tie me to your bed and do anything you like xxx"
DP - "TwoSugars is having a good week - we've had sex three times but I still want more can you come and finish me off"
DP - "Sat here wanking to porn while TwoSugars is asleep, wish you were here"

I've confronted him, and he has pulled his usual sadface and is there looking miserable. I have tried to keep my cool and have told him exactly how disappointed I am, that I thought we were OK and that I've never been so disgusted. Because she's such a close friend I now have to wonder what has been going on, whether this is new or whether it's been going on longer because he's known to delete messages from his phone as he likes "a tidy inbox".

For various reasons regarding money, my family, his family and commitments, I cannot just up and leave, either with DS or without him. I have no idea what I am meant to do about this. I'm so ashamed of myself. I thought we were OK.

I'm so sorry it's long, but I just didn't want to dripfeed. I mean it when I say that I cannot leave, even as a break. What do I do?

Darkesteyes Sun 05-May-13 17:50:55

OP he is thinking that he can have DC full time and claim the child related benefits while the GPs look after the child full time while he shags around. I wouldnt be surprised if this has crossed the GPs minds too
THIS is why they want to keep you there. Please contact WA as soon as possible. he will NOT be able to have full custody of your child but what i have written here is what he and possibly GPs are thinking.

JerseySpud Sun 05-May-13 17:55:35

What the other ladies have said. This is now emotional abuse and blackmail.

There is no court that will pick a father over a loving, caring mother, no chance. He's just trying to scare you.

Phone Womens Aid. Find all documents.

Bogeyface Sun 05-May-13 17:59:31

You would be amazed at the number of men that pull this shit in order to frighten their exes into caving in.

What he doesnt know is that it costs thousands (tens of thousands sometimes) to fight for full custody and take months and sometimes years. He is all hot air. Dont worry about him taking your son, that will not happen, but you need to leave asap for your own sanity.

Ruprekt Sun 05-May-13 17:59:57

I would find ds's passport and keep it safe.

TwoSugarsWithLotsOfMilk Sun 05-May-13 18:16:45

We're at an agreement. We're going to apply for joint custody - he gets DS on his days off.

Tabliope Sun 05-May-13 18:21:23

I think you're mad agreeing anything with this man who has lied and lied and lied. Are you leaving? You need to get out of there then talk about the days he gets DS. Up to you though.

freddiemisagreatshag Sun 05-May-13 18:23:30

I would be agreeing to fuck all with him. Seriously fuck all.

Joint custody doesn't exist any more anyway.

McBalls Sun 05-May-13 18:31:42

I think you're getting all jumbled up here.

You do not need to be agreeing any terms of access/custody or anything else at this point and I wouldn't trust that he wasn't using this type of conversation to manipulate you - overwhelm you with practicalities to keep you from actually leaving.

Your priority now is to make arrangements to leave.

dont agree to anything yet! get yourself out and sorted then you can come up with arrangements for your dc.

pp have given you excellent advice and links to people that can help you with all this.

stay calm, no matter what stunt he pulls out of the hat... he'll only use it against you otherwise! he is emotionally abusive and you cant trust him. remember that

SugarPasteGreyhound Sun 05-May-13 18:40:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StuntGirl Sun 05-May-13 18:42:41

"Women's aid. Do not agree to anything without seeing a solicitor"

I agree with this.

FoxyRoxy Sun 05-May-13 18:46:35

"Women's aid. Do not agree to anything without seeing a solicitor"

I agree with this.

As do I.

bringbacksideburns Sun 05-May-13 18:52:00

I think the majority of us would say contact Womens Aid asap, get advice from them and then try to get back to your family. Don't believe a word he says.

NoWayPedro Sun 05-May-13 19:12:11

"I would be agreeing fuck all"

^^ this x 100 and agree with all the other advice too.

Don't want to worry you but there is potential for STIs here too since you have no idea what he's actually up to. Protect yourself and you DS from this vile, sorry excuse for a man and the PIL can EFF off as well.

Best of luck to you smile

Hissy Sun 05-May-13 22:36:29

It's OK.

It really is OK. You will NOT lose your son. you will NOT lose your son.

You don't need to agree a thing. Oh yes, tell him NOW that you agree, get the fuck OUT of there and then say NO.

He is violent, he sees he is entitled to be so, you are in fear of him. That is that. The SS will back you up.

Woman's Aid. CAB, and breathe.

The panic is a trick they all try to use. If you can stay calm, you can think. That's why he winds you up. It's a game.

relax, calm, be still. he can't do anything to you.

WishIdbeenatigermum Sun 05-May-13 22:48:43

Get your ds's passport. If you can't get it I don't think it would be an over reaction to call the police and get the two of you out now.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 05-May-13 23:24:15

Op in order for him to enforce anything to do with contact he has to take you to court. He cannot force you to do a thing without a court order.

He cannot prevent you leaving with your dc unless you do anything stupid like be violent to him or his parents. If he try's just be really calm and call the police. They won't do much other than turn up but when they do you can just walk out with your dc he won't stop you because the police are there the police won't stop you as he has no court order.

Go for a walk tomorrow use a phone box or walk into a police station cab office council office and say " I need some help please can you call woman's aid for me I've got no access to a phone and I need help now" they will do it.

Woman's aid can even find you and dc a refuge place and arrange transport for you. When you get there the staff can help you sort benefits and other stuff

Oh and whilst you are in a refuge he can't find you or dc. He may not have been physically violent (tbh I expect he has) he is emotionally and financially abusive and his parents and him are basically trying to hold you hostage that's domestic violence.

Oh I second the extra layers of clothing and cram a changing bag with dc's fav things.

BreatheandFlyAway Sun 05-May-13 23:42:23

Legally, you hold all the cards, Don't let him make you think otherwise. He knows this and is trying to panic you. By posting here you've made your future safe because it shows you are seeking the road of freedom, however wobbly you feel now. Don't agree anything unless you have to give some words in order to keep the peace. This is your call. Good luck, lots of support from here smile

DizzyZebra Mon 06-May-13 02:30:07

Leave with your child. Wait until he is at work, or else physically pick the child up and leave. He cannot physically stop you - that would be assault.

The worst he can do is apply to the court. They would NOT give him residence just because he wants it.

Do not tell him where you have gone. Do not tell his parents. Do not let your child out of your sight until you have a court order preventing him from keeping the child - as he is on the birth certificate presumably, if he withheld the child you wouldn't be able to stop him, you'd have to apply to court.

Madamecastafiore Mon 06-May-13 03:43:18

Do not agree to anything.

I agreed joint custody with XH and then he reneged on it and said I could only have dd at weekends (so he could carry on drinking whilst looking like a caring dad in the week). It too 2 years and tens if thousands of pounds to sort the situation and get joint residence with dd living with me and him having her every other weekend and half the holidays.

You leave that baby with him and I guarantee you will be paints as a villain by him and his parents and will have to fight for access.

Go to women's aid. Get his behaviour and the not letting you leave etc recorded because you will need all the cards possible to use against these arseholes who are manipulating you. And they are doing it for their benefit not for that if your child.

Seriously I spent hours on here and went through hell to the extent that I ended up in antidepressants, in therapy, not eating and standing at the road side waiting for a bus to come along. Whatever you will have to go through in the short term to get your life in order is nothing compared to the shit you will have to deal with if you don't stand up for yourself against these people.

TwoSugarsWithLotsOfMilk Mon 06-May-13 09:45:34

God, I can't take this!!! They seem to think I'm unstable so am getting it from P, MIL, FIL and DIL. They keep telling me not to be hasty and that if I leave then it's on my own. They think I'm an unfit mother because of my PND and so they're trying to convince me not to leave. They're also telling me that it's not going to be good for DS in a druggie house and the best thing for both of us is to stay put!!! Are they right?! It seems like such a solid argument, God I'm so confused!!!!

Branleuse Mon 06-May-13 09:51:02

he can go for full cstody, but he wont get it. Not a chance in hell.

LOADS of men threaten this. It really hardly ever happens. Judges see straight through it. Its a tactic to frighten you

Freddiemisagreatshag Mon 06-May-13 09:53:56

They are talking a pile of crap. Scare tactics.

Get out. Stay out. And get the solicitors out.

To paraphrase a fire brigade ad.

SirBoobAlot Mon 06-May-13 09:58:40

What a vile family. Call women's aid. NOW. Where in the UK are you? If you can't find the local authority details yourself, maybe there is a MNer who knows.

Get away from these people, immediately.

TwoSugarsWithLotsOfMilk Mon 06-May-13 10:12:00

I'm in Wales - I've rung Womens Aid and talked to someone but P interrupted me calling. Will leave tomorrow.

What do I take? I don't know where DS's Birth Cert. is and he has no passport!

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