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P being unfaithful

(153 Posts)
TwoSugarsWithLotsOfMilk Sun 05-May-13 10:53:24

Have NC'd as my usual moniker is very telling.

Backstory: I moved in with MIL and FIL because of DP's work. We moved when DS was 2 months old. My family are nowhere near, not many friends even after 18 months of being here. Also a language barrier as most people here speak [as a primary] a language I don't know, but am learning. They're happy with English, but it's still awkward. I had PND badly, really suffered with it but am out of the woods now.

In the past I have found sexually explicit texts/e-mails/Facebook messages from DP to a man, who is a friend from school days. I was understandably distraught, but was assured it wouldn't happen again and that he was just trying to deal with the strain of being a new parent and being in a new job and having to deal with my PND. He also assured me that he was not gay, and that it was "all talk and no action" if you get my drift? He cut contact with this person voluntarily.

About 5 months after this happened, I accidentally saw a Facebook conversation with a girl, as our Google Chrome opens the last viewed page. In it, there were some fairly sexually explicit messages, mostly from her but some from him.

She also was incredibly cruel about me, claiming that I was using my PND as an excuse to laze about and that a year after the birth of my child is too long to be clinging to my excess weight. Although DP stood up for me in that instance, I couldn't ignore the messages. We began a trial separation and I eventually accepted him back after a fortnight of him trying his utmost to make things right between us.

Since then, we've been closer than ever, our DS has grown and I've never felt more happy. Our sexlife was back on track and it felt like a whole new relationship.

Fast forward another 7 months to today. He's been texting his very close friend [S] a lot, because she lives far away and so we only see her sporadically. They are very close, have been friends since they were little, and is considered an integral part of our friendship circle. They had a brief fling about 9 years ago, when they were in their teens, but nothing ever came of it and DP was upfront and honest about there being no feelings involved, and that it was just sex and "not very good sex at that" [his words].

His phone vibrates and because I'm closest, I check. It's from S and it is filthy. I go and check his previous contact with S only to find around a days worth of messages, but all the messages have turned deeply sexual.

DP - "You can tie me to your bed and do anything you like xxx"
DP - "TwoSugars is having a good week - we've had sex three times but I still want more can you come and finish me off"
DP - "Sat here wanking to porn while TwoSugars is asleep, wish you were here"

I've confronted him, and he has pulled his usual sadface and is there looking miserable. I have tried to keep my cool and have told him exactly how disappointed I am, that I thought we were OK and that I've never been so disgusted. Because she's such a close friend I now have to wonder what has been going on, whether this is new or whether it's been going on longer because he's known to delete messages from his phone as he likes "a tidy inbox".

For various reasons regarding money, my family, his family and commitments, I cannot just up and leave, either with DS or without him. I have no idea what I am meant to do about this. I'm so ashamed of myself. I thought we were OK.

I'm so sorry it's long, but I just didn't want to dripfeed. I mean it when I say that I cannot leave, even as a break. What do I do?

b4bunnies Sun 05-May-13 14:22:55


your life has gone tits-up. that's horrible but it happens to a lot of us.your in-laws are messing with your head. their views do not count. you are currently almost a prisoner.

find your passport (does your ds have a passport? find that too). find any other important documents. proof of his income if you have access to that.

put ds's clothes, favourite toy and all your jewellery in a bag. even a small amount of gold is saleable and can make the difference between a meal or going hungry.

on tuesday, put on more clothes than you would normally wear; take the bag. 'go shopping' early with ds. go to social services and ask for help.
at that point you have left.

if you can get your parents to support you after that, do.

twosugars no dont message her. if he does go to her after this then she will soon learn what a shitbag he is. its never a good idea to message/contact the others involved as it will just drag you in and down further. you dont need that right now. you just need to break away with your head held high... dont stoop down to their level. they're so not worth it. you're worth more than that smile

WhereYouLeftIt Sun 05-May-13 15:29:24

"his mum and dad have refused to let me leave the house permanently, as FIL's sister has been through all of this (welfare and crappy b&bs etc) and he is adamant it won't happen to his first grandchild."

They can 'refuse' all they want, it means nothing. And if he's so damned adamant, he can put his hand in his pocket and pay rent on wherever you go. You CAN leave.

Where is your partner living right now? Have his parents thrown him out? Because if they haven't, then they do not have your interests at heart; they're just saving face.

McBalls Sun 05-May-13 15:59:49

Twosugars, I read your 'I cannot leave' as 'I don't want to leave'.
I'm sure you have your reasons for that, the idea of turning your life upside down is daunting, maybe you want to cling onto your dp no matter what (there a lot of that about), maybe the benefits you gain from being there outweigh the pain of being repeatedly lied to and humiliated?

Whatever it is, I'm not sure what you want people to say. This is him and this is what he does, it's not a glitch this is your life. You either accept this life or you don't and you say you're not going anywhere.

So what is it you want to hear?

ENormaSnob Sun 05-May-13 16:00:39

You need to get away from this man.


Wannabestepfordwife Sun 05-May-13 16:57:53

You need to leave for your sanity.

It sounds like you have been so ground down by his actions that you have no confidence or self-worth.

I can't imagine how terrifying the thought of going it alone on welfare will be for you but you need to do it for yourself and your son. You need to rebuild yourself and build yourself a life. Your ds deserves a mum who is happy and independent not a shadow who is taken advantage of.

Other posters have given some good practical advice please take it.

StuntGirl Sun 05-May-13 17:08:17

"If they were that supportive they would kick out their excuse for a son and support you and your DC."

Exactly. They don't really care about you or your son.

They can 'refuse' to let you leave as much as they like but unless they're are physically restraining you and imprisoning you (which is illegal - so call the police) then they can't stop you.

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs Sun 05-May-13 17:08:35

If one of my sons treated the Mother of their DC like this, the Mother would have my full support. I would kick my DS out and keep space for the Mother and DC. If I had the money, I may pay for a bedsit for my DS, or a house for the Mother and DC, but no way would I expect them both to continue to live with me.

That's not having your Ex-DIL and GC's interests at heart - that's trying to 'save face'. Because if YOU move out, you will likely tell people why. And that might be embarrassing for them.

I'd be fixing to find a way to move out, tbh, if it was me. I'd thank my PIL's for their support, and assure them that they are welcome to see their GC regularly, but that it was untenable for me to continue to share a house with my Ex-P that has the morals of an alley cat!

Hissy Sun 05-May-13 17:15:00

TidyDancer, no sleight intended, just that there was a lot of speculation before your post and seeing as it's fairly identifiable if we out and out guess it or doggedly ask about it, thought to clear it up as it's kind of irrelevant.

Op is in the UK, so CAN get the support available, we just need to encourage her to try and get it. smile

TwoSugarsWithLotsOfMilk Sun 05-May-13 17:21:11

You're right, you're all right. I need to leave. I need to recognize that he has put me down for too long...

TwoSugarsWithLotsOfMilk Sun 05-May-13 17:26:21

Oh Jesus, I've just lost my shit.

P has told me that I can go to the local authority, however DS won't be leaving with me. And if I try and take him, he'll begin court proceedings against me for full custody.

Shit shit shit. What do I do?

foslady Sun 05-May-13 17:26:21

He has Two Suagrs - think back to before you two met - I bet you were a different person.

You need to go, you don't deserve such a crap life and neither does your child.

foslady Sun 05-May-13 17:26:55

Let him try - you take your child with you and find a good solicitor

TwoSugarsWithLotsOfMilk Sun 05-May-13 17:27:07

I've just gone insane at him. I've kept my cool throughout all of this, but now he's realized that keeping me here is the only power he has left. Oh God I don't want to lose my son...

foslady Sun 05-May-13 17:29:23

I very much doubt you will - he's using desperation tactics now. Where was your son born, you may need to stay in the UK, but that doesn't mean with him

TwoSugarsWithLotsOfMilk Sun 05-May-13 17:30:22

I'm in UK, DS is UK-Born.

I've just Googled, can't find my local authority office! It just keeps linking me back to the main page, no address or anything. If he even dares try I'll leave Tuesday and never come back.

foslady Sun 05-May-13 17:33:51

Look at the bottom of the page for a 'contact us' bit.

Can I suggest you get this put in legal or relationships? They will be able to advise further - good luck Hun - and STAY STRONG

MadamFolly Sun 05-May-13 17:34:42

They may be keeping you so they can go for custody of DS, it has happened before...

FutureNannyOgg Sun 05-May-13 17:35:31

Contact Womens Aid, right away. He is emotionally blackmailing you. You need to get out, they will help you. 0808 2000 247

foslady Sun 05-May-13 17:37:52§ionTitle=If+you+or+a+friend+need+help

StuntGirl Sun 05-May-13 17:42:13

First things first, take a deep breath and stay calm. He's shown his hand, you know what he's thinking. That means you can take steps to avoid that.

Try putting your postcode in here

If it's like mine there will be a 'contact us' section with a long list of departments and phone numbers, so you can select the right one.

Or you can try CAB for advice, or even Women's Aid.

If he or his family get violent in the slightest don't be afraid to call 999.

whatamardarse Sun 05-May-13 17:43:13

shock flowers
Oh lord what a hideous situation for you! You must leave ASAP before all your self esteem flys out the window and it too let!

Normal men do NOT behave like this. He is a bastard of the first order! He clearly has no respect for you or your family as a unit and will not change. Please leave << big hugs >>

Darkesteyes Sun 05-May-13 17:45:13

Agree with these other posters. Contact Womens Aid ASAP

Tabliope Sun 05-May-13 17:47:04

I don't want to worry you but would your DH get your DS out the country to stay with relatives abroad without you? Not knowing your personal living circumstances I have the feeling that you're in a way being held semi-captive - I could be wrong - but you have no independence at all, no friends outside of this circle. I could be reading that wrong but I'd be safeguarding against the worse and getting out of there ASAP. I don't want to go into it here but I have personal experience of a similar situation where I was threatened with something similar regarding my DS. You need to gain back control of your life. Is your name on anything?

Badvoc Sun 05-May-13 17:48:10

Women aid ASAP.
Then leave.

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