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P being unfaithful

(153 Posts)
TwoSugarsWithLotsOfMilk Sun 05-May-13 10:53:24

Have NC'd as my usual moniker is very telling.

Backstory: I moved in with MIL and FIL because of DP's work. We moved when DS was 2 months old. My family are nowhere near, not many friends even after 18 months of being here. Also a language barrier as most people here speak [as a primary] a language I don't know, but am learning. They're happy with English, but it's still awkward. I had PND badly, really suffered with it but am out of the woods now.

In the past I have found sexually explicit texts/e-mails/Facebook messages from DP to a man, who is a friend from school days. I was understandably distraught, but was assured it wouldn't happen again and that he was just trying to deal with the strain of being a new parent and being in a new job and having to deal with my PND. He also assured me that he was not gay, and that it was "all talk and no action" if you get my drift? He cut contact with this person voluntarily.

About 5 months after this happened, I accidentally saw a Facebook conversation with a girl, as our Google Chrome opens the last viewed page. In it, there were some fairly sexually explicit messages, mostly from her but some from him.

She also was incredibly cruel about me, claiming that I was using my PND as an excuse to laze about and that a year after the birth of my child is too long to be clinging to my excess weight. Although DP stood up for me in that instance, I couldn't ignore the messages. We began a trial separation and I eventually accepted him back after a fortnight of him trying his utmost to make things right between us.

Since then, we've been closer than ever, our DS has grown and I've never felt more happy. Our sexlife was back on track and it felt like a whole new relationship.

Fast forward another 7 months to today. He's been texting his very close friend [S] a lot, because she lives far away and so we only see her sporadically. They are very close, have been friends since they were little, and is considered an integral part of our friendship circle. They had a brief fling about 9 years ago, when they were in their teens, but nothing ever came of it and DP was upfront and honest about there being no feelings involved, and that it was just sex and "not very good sex at that" [his words].

His phone vibrates and because I'm closest, I check. It's from S and it is filthy. I go and check his previous contact with S only to find around a days worth of messages, but all the messages have turned deeply sexual.

DP - "You can tie me to your bed and do anything you like xxx"
DP - "TwoSugars is having a good week - we've had sex three times but I still want more can you come and finish me off"
DP - "Sat here wanking to porn while TwoSugars is asleep, wish you were here"

I've confronted him, and he has pulled his usual sadface and is there looking miserable. I have tried to keep my cool and have told him exactly how disappointed I am, that I thought we were OK and that I've never been so disgusted. Because she's such a close friend I now have to wonder what has been going on, whether this is new or whether it's been going on longer because he's known to delete messages from his phone as he likes "a tidy inbox".

For various reasons regarding money, my family, his family and commitments, I cannot just up and leave, either with DS or without him. I have no idea what I am meant to do about this. I'm so ashamed of myself. I thought we were OK.

I'm so sorry it's long, but I just didn't want to dripfeed. I mean it when I say that I cannot leave, even as a break. What do I do?

WhiteBirdBlueSky Sun 05-May-13 10:57:51

Can you really not leave?

WishIdbeenatigermum Sun 05-May-13 10:58:54

I can't imagine what commitments could keep you with him. You have no responsibility to his family. He blew that one as well as your relationship.
Could you come back to the uk and stay with or near family?

WhiteBirdBlueSky Sun 05-May-13 10:58:57

You might want to repost this to Relationships by the way.

HoHoHoNoYouDont Sun 05-May-13 10:59:26

I take it you're not in the UK?

MsJupiterJones Sun 05-May-13 10:59:45

I'm so sorry to read this. Please don't be ashamed of yourself - you have nothing to be ashamed of.

If you can't leave right now then you need to look to the future and making that possible.

NoelHeadbands Sun 05-May-13 11:00:25

If you really won't leave I'm not sure there's anything you can do, except to accept that he is sexually incontinent (at least where messaging/ texting is concerned) and not interested whatsoever in changing his behaviour.

sarahthesolicitor Sun 05-May-13 11:00:28

I think you've put up with enough. This situation is only going to get worse. Your DP is a liar. Surely you must realise that you deserve better than this?

I don't know your circumstances but you need to get yourself out of this situation preferably as quickly as possible.

TwoSugarsWithLotsOfMilk Sun 05-May-13 11:00:33

I am actually in the UK, sorry I didn't make that clear. But yes - I really mean that I cannot move out of this house, unless I take to the streets.

Roshbegosh Sun 05-May-13 11:00:33


Roshbegosh Sun 05-May-13 11:01:44

Sorry cross post.
You need to either leave or, if you really can't, live separate lives until you can

Finola1step Sun 05-May-13 11:03:49

You have two options:

Option 1: stay and accept that he is never going to be truly faithful. He wants sexual contact with others alongside your relationship. With men and women. He wants an open relationship where he can do what he wants.

Option 2: find a way to leave. There is always a way, even if it is very hard.

Just curious OP... If it was you sending and receiving sexually explicit messages with a range of people over a period of time, what would his reaction be?

WishIdbeenatigermum Sun 05-May-13 11:04:22

If you're in the uk, talk to the cab. You might have to spend some time on a b&b but you can leave, you know.

yes you need to ask for this to be put in relationships.

are you absolutely sure that you cant leave? seems like that is the only option to me. if my dh had done all that to me i would be leaving.

im sure there will be others along to help you way better than i can. keep posting, there are good people here with excellent advice x

TheUnicornsGoHawaiian Sun 05-May-13 11:06:05

Agree with jupiter. If leaving now isnt possible, then you need to work towards it. Are you in contact with any family friends in the UK. Speak to them and they may be able to help. Are your partners family approachable? surely they couldnt defend his behaviour and could help? thanks it must be awful, but I think enough is enough.

i post far too slow! confused

Finola1step Sun 05-May-13 11:07:25

So if you are in the UK, what's stopping you from talking to a housing officer at your local council? How is there a language barrier?

Tabliope Sun 05-May-13 11:07:57

You can move. If you're in the UK you get on a train and you go home to your parents until you sort yourself out, it doesn't matter how far away they are. I'd also be telling his parents who you live with to explain why. You've given this piece of shit - because that's what he is - chance after chance. He will not change. Go home to your parents, get in touch with CSA, ask for financial help from his parents and start your own life without this baggage. If I found out my son was treating a woman like this I'd be on your side 100% and would ensure you were looked after financially by him.

TheUnicornsGoHawaiian Sun 05-May-13 11:09:03

Sorry x post about the UK. I thought you were abroad. Im sure someone will be along shortly to tell you of an organisation that might be able to help. Couldnt you ask DP to leave whilst you sort things? im sorry if youve already addressed that, I couldnt remember from your original post.

TheUnicornsGoHawaiian Sun 05-May-13 11:10:14

Davidtennantme too!! the situation is generally resolved by the time I reply. smile

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 05-May-13 11:11:55

What a seedy man.

He isn't going to stop doing this. You know that, don't you? He's been caught and caught and caught and he's STILL doing it. This tells you that he is not going to stop.

For every person you have caught him doing this with, you can be reasonably sure that there are several you have not.

So you have to decide if you are going to accept it or not.

If not, then you can talk to shelter, talk to the cab, hell, talk to womens aid to see what advice they can give you about how a woman removes herself from a relationship when she has children and no money!

He is doing sad face because sad face has worked up to now.

oh, and - straight men do not engage in sexually explicit talk with other men. So he is probably bisexual.

freddiemisagreatshag Sun 05-May-13 11:12:44

What hec said.

theunicorns glad im not the only one! happens all the time. i blame typing on my phone grin

op i really hope you get the help you need to leave... and i agree with the poster who called him a piece of shit! he sounds blooming awful sad

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 05-May-13 11:14:15

Op you can leave if you want to. Turn up with the baby at your local authority and they have to find you emergency accommodation. It will be a crappy B and B or something like that but it will be accommodation.

TheVermiciousKnid Sun 05-May-13 11:14:32

I assume he is fully aware that it would be difficult for you to leave and therefore feels he can do whatever he wants. sad What a bastard.

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