Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

*trigger warning* past experience haunting me

(13 Posts)
ParadiseChick Sat 04-May-13 22:18:32

I'm 31.

My friends and I were quite wild in the day, parties, drink etc.

At 16 my friend had a party. I drank to much, all but passed out on her bed. I half woke up to two guys both groping me, one with his genitals in my face, the other pulling at my trousers. When I woke up they laughed and left.

I passed out again until morning with hazy memories of what had or hadn't happened.

The two guys were in their early twenties, about 8 years older than me. Local playboys so to speak. Encountered them a few times over the years in pubs etc, no contact or discussion though. I didn't even tell my friends about what had happened.

Small town, I've never went too far but live in a different town in the same county. I'm now a family support worker helping families struggling with parent hood. Doing one to one sessions in service user homes, people refereed to us through nurseries etc.

One of the guys and his partner has been refereed to my team for support. The team leader allocated the case to me.

I'm meeting my team leader on Monday to discuss cases and I don't know what to say. I can't do it.

Hassled Sat 04-May-13 22:22:18

Tell the team leader that there are significant personal reasons why you don't feel you can give the wanker the support he and his partner need. There's no reason on earth why you need to tell the team leader what happened - just stress that you are unable to take this case.

The team leader will almost certainly have come across this sort of thing before - and presumably you haven't ever refused a case before. Do you get on well with him/her?

And I'm sorry - this must be hideous for you.

CoolaSchmoola Sat 04-May-13 22:23:42

Just tell your team leader that you know the person on a personal level,or that you had a negative interaction with the person previously so it would be inappropriate for you to work with them as you would be unable to be objective.

There shouldn't be any need for you to elaborate further than that.

I had to do something similar when I was allocated a client I knew previously. It wasn't the same situation but I said the above and that was that. Team leader reallocated with no further questions.

ParadiseChick Sat 04-May-13 22:24:20

Yeah I get on well with her, lots of mutual respect. We've discussed the fact I'm quite local before and that I might know service users.

PurpleThing Sat 04-May-13 22:25:42

Sorry to hear about what happened to you.

I don't think you would have to go into details with your team leader, if you didn't want to. Just say something like "It wouldn't be appropriate for me to work with this family. Please can you assign them to someone else."

ImperialBlether Sat 04-May-13 22:37:47

Why protect him? Why not say, "Sorry, I don't want to deal with this man in any capacity. He sexually assaulted me when I was sixteen"?

ParadiseChick Sat 04-May-13 22:42:31

I'd pushed it to the back of my mind for so long and just wrote it off as one of those things because of drank to much.

PurpleThing Sat 04-May-13 22:49:37

Do you think it might be relevant to your work? I don't know the kind of thing you usually deal with of course.

But someone doesn't do that because they are drunk but because they are a twat. It's only one incident but it suggests he doesn't have a good attitude to women. He might be abusive to his partner and that might mean they are struggling to care for their dc.

ParadiseChick Sat 04-May-13 22:57:05

We're quite low end as in the families we work with aren't on the child protection register or involved with social services although obviously we refer on if we feel the need. I do work around positive interactions, behaviour management and parenting advice. There's usually issues around the parents own upbringing and lack of positive parenting themselves or mental health or historic assistance misuse leading to chaotic lives. I don't know the ins and outs of their case yet. Quite often we are the first point of contact with an agency a family has had other than schools or nurseries or health visitors and the first people to spend anytime with a family and often identify issues.

ParadiseChick Sun 05-May-13 08:25:47

Thanks for the replies and the couple of pm' s I've had. Sat up late last night talking to dh about it. He knew something had happened but no details and didn't know the guy was so local. They are both in the same trade (carpenters) and was worried their paths would cross at some point.

I think being up front with my manager is the only way. Part of me would like to ha and the guts to front it out but don't think I could. Dh is of the same opinion of a pp, that I shouldn't protect him but I don't know of I'm ready to open that can of worms.

ChairmanWow Sun 05-May-13 12:20:05

You wouldn't be opening a can of worms by telling your manager though. The only action you want her to take is to keep this guy away from you. If there's nobody else on the team to deal with this case then surely she can do it? Any manager worth their salt would make absolutely sure that their team member was protected from someone who had sexually assaulted them.

I hope this isn't bringing back too many bad feelings. It's good that you've talked openly to your partner and he has supported you.

ParadiseChick Sun 05-May-13 14:30:10

I didn't really think I had any residual issues around this until his name landed on my desk. I know I was drunk, had a reputation for being game but it the age difference, I was 16, they were mid twenties.

ChairmanWow Sun 05-May-13 19:38:00

They also carried out sexual acts when you were unable to consent. I can sympathise to some degree as I experienced an assault as a teenager. You do reach a point where you think it's out of your system but those feelings can be and are triggered unexpectedly. It's no surprise that the reemergence of this guy is bringing back some unwelcome feelings.

Be easy on yourself. You're the main priority here and given you have a good relationship with your manager make sure she protects you. You will get past this again once he's out of the frame. thanks

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now