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Do you think I am boring

(63 Posts)
Dontspeak Sat 04-May-13 16:53:43

I am quite happy sitting in on a Saturday night watching tv but my oh feels it necessary to go out socialising fri, sat and sun night. When I say I don't fancy going anywhere he says I'm boring and we end up having a row. Then end up going out anyway.
He has been working today and now in the pub. If he has more than 3 pints he starts nit picking with me.
We are supposed to be going to a 50th birthday of someone he has recently met. They are all big drinkers, I don't drink at all and don't like my oh when he has had 2 much to drink.
I don't want to go.
We are both mid 40s. Am I being boring

flippinada Sat 04-May-13 19:27:38

Re-reading I see others have flagged this up as potentially abusive behaviour. I have an EA ex and he used to play silly mind games like this as well.

I would be bullied into going out when I didn't want to and the either one of two things would happen. Either I stood my ground and I received the silent treatment, sulks or else I would give in and go, then be ignored for the entire evening.

Oh, and I was allowed out with my friends but on the few occasions I did go out by myself there would always be a subsequent "punishment" (sulking, silent treatment, engineering rows).

lemonstartree Sat 04-May-13 19:36:35

a man who has no interest in theatre, cinema or other activities that DO NOT INVOLVE ALCOHOL has a drinking problem.

he is boring , not you

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Sat 04-May-13 19:41:02

Why don't you throw his argument back at him?

Say you're sick of sitting in some boring grotty pub getting pissed boring weekend after boring weekend and you'd rather do something interesting and frankly a little more cultured with your time and no you will not be bullied into going!

Anniegetyourgun Sat 04-May-13 19:53:12

A cynic might wonder whether it's so he will have someone to mind his wallet and make sure he gets home in one piece after the evening's over-indulgence.

ALittleStranger Sat 04-May-13 20:12:45

"Boring" isn't some objective thing. We could tell you if you were fat or not, but not if you're boring.

Are you bored? if you're happy and satisfied with your social life and interests then you are not boring.

The problem is though that your DH does appear to find you a bit boring. His concept of fun and interesting might seem terribly borish or immature to most posters here, but if it's what he likes and wants you to do it together than you have a problem. It's just not necessarily your problem.

Dontspeak Sat 04-May-13 20:29:55

Well he has lost his rag.

I said it would be nice if we did things that I like doing occasionally.
His response 'you don't ever want to do anything
I said I will go with you tonight and another time you come with me.
He said dont bother I don't want you to Di anything under sufferance.
You stay in and watch tv and I'm going out.

He has shouted and sworn at me
I'm a fucking joke

Sooooo pissed off with his attitude

Loulybelle Sat 04-May-13 20:31:06

You still wanna be this moody fucker now?

LemonPeculiarJones Sat 04-May-13 21:11:38

He's a worthless prick OP. Dump him.

Helltotheno Sat 04-May-13 21:35:33

Sigh... nothing to see here OP, nothing worthwhile anyway, so best move on...

I get the impression though, you're not ready to do that. If not, at least get some sort of a life of your own and go out without him. You'll see then that he's the boring one.

TheseFoolishThings Sat 04-May-13 21:46:45

I'm afraid I agree with Hell. You don't sound as though you've yet reached the point where you know beyond any doubt that the way he's treating you is not ok and that you can do so much better. But it is, and you can. Is there a reason that you particularly want to stick with him?

Walkacrossthesand Sat 04-May-13 23:28:59

Oh dear - sounds like my suggestion of trying to negotiate that you both do things you like sometimes, rather than it always being what he wants to do or you're boring fell flat. Is the whole relationship run on his terms, OP?

Dontspeak Sun 05-May-13 01:09:54

I ended up going to the party. Our son (18) witnessed the argument. So I ended up giving in. I tried to talk to h on the way but he doesn't see where I am coming from at all.

He had loads to drink, has been nasty to me and is now asleep.

We have been together for 22 years. Yes the whole relationship is on his terms. He is controlling.
He uses the anxiety against me.
I do know that it's not healthy and my therapist says that he is the one causing the anxiety. But I don't know how to get out of this situation

WafflyVersatile Sun 05-May-13 01:54:02

By dumping him.

ChasingStaplers Sun 05-May-13 04:11:52

I'm afraid wafflyversatile is probably right. My anxiety issues were due to being with a controlling/abusive man and I lost all confidence in my ability to do/cope with anything (apparently I was crap at everything, no one liked me, i was a 'nutter' or a 'psychopath' if I questioned him and I wasn't fit to look after the children. The only reason I struggled was because of him!)

If I were you OP I'd start thinking about what you want and how to make yourself happy.

Nehru Sun 05-May-13 07:41:05

I think you sound a bit boring tbh. Why can't you just go for a bit ?
At least he wants you there to be with him. Threads like this are normally "he never goes out with me" etc

Thisisaeuphemism Sun 05-May-13 07:49:44

How about a visit to a solicitor? Check out the Cba website?

This is about him being a bully, not you liking to do different things. You don't have to put up with this.

LemonPeculiarJones Sun 05-May-13 07:56:21

Yeah nehru, all his abusiveness which causes her anxiety issues - sod that, right? She should just be more fun! hmm


ZaraW Sun 05-May-13 08:09:11

I don't think you are boring at all either. Can you join a group so that you can explore your own interests and go out with him say once a week. Doesn't seem fair that he is not willing to share your own likes.

ilovewoody Sun 05-May-13 09:30:53

My exH was exactly like this. Only ever wanted to do things that involved drink and didn't care one bit that I wanted to do different things. Even if I managed to persuade him to go out for a nice meal he would get as drunk as he possible could by drinking lots of wine then a liqueur then a " nightcap" just so he could throw as much down his neck as possible.

He was a horrible, aggressive drunk. 3 years ago I had enough and left him. Best thing I ever did. No need to stay with a crap man.

You deserve better than him. Even being on your own is better than that. Good luck x

Dontspeak Sun 05-May-13 21:20:09

So today I suggested we go for marriage counselling together. He said absolutely no way would he go.
I spoke to our 18 year old today about all the arguments he has heard.
I hate that he is being involved. And I know I have involved him by asking his opinion. And of course he doesn't want to be disloyal to either of us. But it's so frustrating. I feel as if I am banging my head against a wall.
I haven't the courage to leave.
I am not sleeping. I know it's making my anxiety worse.
I just wish I knew what to do

Chubfuddler Sun 05-May-13 21:30:50

You don't need courage to leave. It's staying in a relationship like this that needs inhuman reserves of courage. Leaving is a cake walk compared to the cognitive dissonance you're pulling off daily.

Dontspeak Sun 05-May-13 21:37:21

The thing is it isn't consistent.

Yesterday he was swearing at me and today he brings me cup of tea in bed and is good morning darling how did you sleep?

I am finding myself snapping at him.
He has been in the pub for 2 hours this afternoon before meeting friends for a meal this evening.
He is now snoring and farting on the sofa next to me. Oh joy

Chubfuddler Sun 05-May-13 21:39:33

Of course it isn't consistent. If he was a cunt every minute of every day you'd have shipped out long ago. It's called the cycle of abuse.

2712 Sun 05-May-13 21:57:44

YOU are not boring!
My DH was exactly the same. Not the drinking so much as always wanting me to do stuff he enjoyed. HE loved the soaps.....I despised them so we never watched tv together. Apparantly that made me boring as EVERYBODY loves and watches the soaps.
I became bored with listening to the same old pop music on the radio and started listening to radio 4......apparantly that made me boring old fart.
Every New Years Eve we all stayed up till midnight to see Big Ben on tv (3 yound DCs) and every year he sighed and moaned that all "normal" people were out in the pub or at parties celebrating whilst he was stuck at home with us.
Get rid of him asap as he is the boring one, not you. Follow your interests and stop trying to appease this arse.

2rebecca Sun 05-May-13 22:37:58

You both sound as though you have different interests and want different things from life. He sounds as though he has an alcohol problem. You sound as though you are using mental health issues as a reason to stay with a bloke whose company you no longer enjoy. You may find you're less anxious if you're not putting up with his alcoholic strops. Your son is now an adult, you have a job so I presume have some money you could live on. You can't change your partner, he'll continue to be a bloke who likes to drink alot and socialise with others like him but want to drag you along to bolster his image.
You either continue as you are, stay living with him but refuse to go to events you don't enjoy and tell him to go alone, or discuss separation.
If you've only had anxiety and panic attacks for 2 years it should be treatable with CBT. You won't get your confidence back by allowing yourself to be bullied. You're an adult, you don't have to go out if you don't want to. If he wants to go out you aren't stopping him, why is he so reluctant to go alone? His desire to make you miserable by dragging you along just sounds controlling and sadistic.

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