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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Am I a mad woman?

25 replies

nimbusdawn123 · 04/05/2013 15:55

Long time lurker, never posted here before but am in need of a bit of a moan - and some reassurance that I'm not being a mad woman!

My OH of 6 months is in the process of getting divorced and has two young children. I have yet to meet the children and do not want to rush into it. We are also waiting for the childrens' mother to come round to my existence a bit more - she threatened to withhold any access to the children when she found out he was seeing me. We are coping with that, and I am happy to wait until it is right to be introduced to the boys. However she has recently - read in the last 6 weeks - started seeing a new man, whom she has already introduced to the children as her boyfriend.

Now I understand that what she decides to do with her children is up to her, and that really I suppose it is none of my business, but it is a bit of a kick in the teeth. However, that isn't what has really bothered me.

OH has the children every other weekend and two nights in the week. This weekend was supposed to be her weekend with the children - she organised to go out with new man last night and thus OH had the children for the night. No problem we thought, he gets to spend some extra time with his children. Made it clear to her that it was being done as a favour, and that she would need to pick them up this morning as we had plans. Then this morning she texts and says she is ill - read hungover - and he might need to keep the children for another night. Since then no contact, no replies to texts and ignoring phone calls. OH is fuming, I am annoyed as we had plans for the weekend. Children are confused as they thought they would be back with Mummy by now. Am I being a selfish mad woman for thinking she is doing it to mess OH around, and that there is a very good chance she is just spending a sunny afternoon with her man?

Sorry if this is long, incoherent and pointless, just annoyed and frustrated.

OP posts:

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Lweji · 04/05/2013 16:01

I'd think the same.

As in when DS's dad doesn't skype with a lame excuse and there's a football game on tv.

Hassled · 04/05/2013 16:01

It does sound like she's taking the piss, but it's not necessarily personal - I mean she's probably not doing it just to mess your OH around, but more because she fancies a child-free day with new man.

Has your OH mentioned you meeting the kids since she started seeing new man? Might be worth another shot - but tread carefully; six months is no time really and it sounds like the children have had a lot of upheaval in a short space of time.

Machli · 04/05/2013 16:07

Yes it's a bit rubbish for you but it must feel nice for her to just be able to take an impromptu day for herself. Does she do it regularly?

uncongenial · 04/05/2013 16:13

If this is just a one off I don't see the problem.

And I should think your OH might safely, but tentatively, bring up the subject of you meeting the children now.

nimbusdawn123 · 04/05/2013 16:13

Child free days should be kept for when OH has the children though surely? You may be right, but feel a little like she has done it knowing we had other plans; she expects OH to jump every time she says she needs something, and it has taken a long time to get him to stand up to her and say no or tell her he is busy and she will have to do something herself - he gets early morning phone calls on her days with the children asking if he can come and pick them up for school as she hasn't had time to wash her hair. When OH has them he doesn't ask for any help from her at all, just picks them up and returns them as asked.

I want to really make sure OH and children are ready before I meet them, I want to meet them of course, but don't think we have to rush when they, as you rightly said, have been through a lot already. Just think it was a bit out of order that her new man was introduced very quickly - poor kids won't know what to think if he disappears again.

OP posts:

Machli · 04/05/2013 16:59

Sounds like your OH can do a lot of impromptu things in his life. He has his children far less than their mother does. Pretty sure she will be getting over her aversion to you and he'll be seeing a lot more of them if she gets a new bloke though. Then everyone is happy aren't they?

Machli · 04/05/2013 17:00

Oh and how she deals with her children really has nothing to do with you. I wouldn't worry myself about it if I were you.

Walkacrossthesand · 04/05/2013 17:17

There is a difference though, isn't there Machli, between a non-resident dad being rock solid with his contact arrangements, as OPs DP seems to be, and an exW with residence taking the piss - expecting non-resident dad to drop everything and rush round because she hasn't organised herself properly. One-off emergency, fine - regular habit, no, she's clicking her fingers & making him jump. Is he getting better at saying no to the ad hoc demands, OP? Maybe she'll be less inclined to do this if he's set firmer boundaries on everyday stuff.

Machli · 04/05/2013 18:10

Yes well we've only got the ex H and the new GF's word for it really haven't we? and ime those people opinions don't tend to be very sympathetic and understanding towards the ex W do they? Even putting that aside though I can't see a problem here except a new GF of 6 months standing being a bit miffed because HER arrangements haven't gone according to plan.

clam · 04/05/2013 18:17

Why shouldn't she be miffed? Presumably the ex-w pulling this stunt has meant that she can't spend the day with her OH. What does the "6 months standing" have to do with it? assuming she wasn't the OW

Machli · 04/05/2013 18:34

She CAN be miffed but disguising it as concern for the kids and how their Mum is dealing with them isn't on IMO. And the 6 months is relevant imo as obviously this system has presumably worked for OH and ex W up until now? And in 6 months if its never happened before, why the big hoo ha? Ex W doesn't have to be perfect and I don't think there's anything wrong with her asking for an impromptu day off after she's met a new chap.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 04/05/2013 18:36

If I had one word of advice op, it would be this: get out now while you're not in too deep.

If it's like this now, it will only get worse. For you, for him, for you and him and for him and his children.

The thing is, there are clearly many unresolved issues between your partner and his wife (I presume they're still married.)

If you are feeling resentful this early on - while so many issues are still unresolved, there has been no divorce process and no financial settlement thrashed out - then it will be a downward spiral for you.

Don't get tangled up with it.

If your relationship with your partner is going to work then simply hope that you c an resume it once once divorce, access and money are firmly sorted with his wife.

Your question is 'am i mad' - no not yet. But you sure as hell will be if you continue with this relationship.

clam · 04/05/2013 18:37

So this guy can't introduce the OP to his kids after 6 months, but his ex can ship in her new boyfriend after a matter of weeks?

Machli · 04/05/2013 18:42

Well it's not something I would do but it seems Dad gets a lot more free time to build relationships than Mum does.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 04/05/2013 18:42

Does it matter Clam? It will not work out. For the OP. She should cut her losses now. And leave all of them to it.

Machli · 04/05/2013 18:44

Agree UA it's quite clear how this is going to go.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 04/05/2013 18:48

I would echo UnlikelyAmazonian's post.

Things will never seem fair, uncomplicated or easy with a man with two small children and a recent ex-wife with whom he's still negotiating an amicable relationship with.

Unless you have a massive amount of patience, good will and generally saintliness you will end up ground down and resentful.

If I were you I would think about all the ramifications of this relationship and whether you can really handle it. After all the children's needs will always be put before yours. And rightly so.

Good luck.

LEMisdisappointed · 04/05/2013 18:59

Bloody hell - i bet those kids feel really special!

Machli · 04/05/2013 19:08

Yes it's a bit that all the adults in these children's lives are only worried about their own plans and social lives.

Leavenheath · 04/05/2013 19:14

You don't know she's hungover, or that she's not genuinely ill.

Co-parents really do have to be a bit flexible and if this is the first time it's happened, it's no big deal.

Were you on the scene in any capacity before they broke up? There seems to be an odd level of enmity between the two women, if not between her and her exH.

ClippedPhoenix · 04/05/2013 19:23

Id read it as she has another agenda..... shes doing this on purpose and he's buying into it. There's still a lot going on with him and her. I'd also bail on this one OP

ClippedPhoenix · 04/05/2013 19:26

You aren't mad at all, you will be if you don't get away. Take it from someone who has just spent the last 3 years being a rebound and being told it was all in my head.

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ClippedPhoenix · 04/05/2013 19:27

Oh and he's now quite happy being on his own (was told today) has realised he didn't really want a relationship??? great, thanks!

ElectricSheep · 04/05/2013 19:40

On Clipped, that sounds shit. Try to take comfort in the fact that you've probably had a lucky escape.

I too think the OP has a lot of shit compromise to go through while her bf divorces and gets the finances straight. I wouldn't attempt step-family again, ime they are very very hard work and the divided loyalties mean that no one is ever really happy or relaxed.

ClippedPhoenix · 04/05/2013 19:50

OP, really, I went through the divorce with him etc. he's now a free agent. Thinking you are mad? who's telling you that, him? he's either telling you or making you "feel" like it.

Thank you "Electric Sheep" what doesn't kill us makes us stronger huh. I hope im not projecting here but there are signs OP.

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