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Please tell me that I am not going potty, or that I am over-sensitive

(9 Posts)
Punkatheart Sat 04-May-13 15:55:02

I have been feeling a bit fragile lately. I take Interferon three times a week for a form of lymphoma and it does cause some depression. But I have had a couple of conversations with ex partner recently and I have felt just completely destroyed by it all.

My daughter is suffering from anxiety and depression, which is another difficult thing. I was trying to explain to my ex (who suddenly left us in 2011) that things were hard for us. 'Things happen. You need to move on. You were special, but not that special,' is what he said today.

Considering that I am sick, exhausted and just hanging on by my fingertips health-wise and mentally, I just found this so very awful. I threw up after the conversation and just cried for a long time.

I know I need to get a grip, but I am really am struggling. I have tried to socialise, find work from home - - just generally get my life a little straighter. He will never admit that he did things in a horrible way - just walking out and leaving us without warning. He was never aggressive before (we were together for 20 years) but now he is just so angry and bitter. My daughter doesn't want anything to do with him - which is huge, I know. But I can't force her with all her problems.

I am rambling, I know. I don't want all this sodding self-pity. He told me every which way today that he doesn't love me, that he hasn't loved me for ages, that our relationship had come to an end. 'Get over it.' I just wanted kindness, not pity, not reconciliation. I just keep hearing him say 'You were special, but not that special.'

How do people keep themselves together when they are too exhausted? Has anyone any tips?

I'm drowning, not waving.

Lweji Sat 04-May-13 16:04:40

Darling, so very sorry for you.

Regarding your ex, disengage. He'll never be what you need him to be and that is why he's an ex.

Please don't contact him at all and don't answer his messages. Let your DD have a relationship with him or not.
Have you divorced?
If not, try to do deal with it asap and really remove this man out of your life.

ImperialBlether Sat 04-May-13 16:09:12

Hi, Punkatheart. It's odd he said that about you because that's not the impression I've had of you at all. I've noticed you on here because of your name (I feel I'm the same) but also because of your writing. I've always been really envious that you make a living from writing. I've always thought you were a strong and thoughtful poster.

He was cruel talking to you like that, but I wonder whether talking to exes about anything other than general things is a good idea. They're people we were involved with; it's not always good to stay involved with them, as in worrying about what they think or feel.

It must have been an incredible shock when he upped and left and it says a hell of a lot about him that he could do that, particularly given he has a daughter. I don't blame her for not wanting to see him. I wouldn't want to, either.

I don't know anything about your relationship and family, but I wonder whether you and your daughter are suffering from post traumatic stress disorder, if that doesn't sound too mad. I know when I first found out my ex was unfaithful I felt as though I'd been attacked and it took a good couple of years before I could trust the ground I walked on.

It's interesting he's the one who is angry and bitter, when he's the one who acted like a bastard. Was it always about him? What did he expect his life to be like, I wonder?

ColinCaterpillar Sat 04-May-13 16:10:24

That's awful. You are special and he's being an abusive, entitled prick trying to kick you while you are down. FWIW, this is exactly the sort of thing my ex would say. Disengage. He wants a reaction.

Punkatheart Sat 04-May-13 16:32:53

Oh thank you for your kindness. I know he's angry that his daughter doesn't want to see him.

I must be strong. I was doing OK.

I can relate to the PND Imperial - the shock really made my daughter suffer most, as she kept passing out. I am sorry you too had a terrible shock.

I would love to be a hard-faced woman but I have always been a bit of a softie, never grew that thick skin.

Writing does keep me sane, truly. So I have to keep any sensitivity I need for that. We all have to have something.

Bit shaky still - but thank you all. The Kindness of Mumsnetters - a novel, do you think?

Lweji Sat 04-May-13 16:43:58

Everyone will think it's an ironic title, though. wink

FarBetterNow Sat 04-May-13 17:01:21

I'm just wondering why you talk to him.
He is never, ever going to say anything good to you.
Don't get drawn into conversation.
Disengage from him

Can you think that the good man that he once was has gone and been replaced by an angry and bitter stranger?

When my XH left he thought we could still be friends! WTF.
He was always trying to give me advice too.

He was always a selfish pain in the arse and in retrospect I should have left him years ago.

Best wishes to you and your daughter.

Vivacia Sat 04-May-13 17:13:37

I agree with others advising you to "disengage". It sounds as though you've given this man and his unkind comment too much influence over your mood (all too easy to do when you're tired). I think you should stop looking for kindness from him, because I doubt you'll get it.

worsestershiresauce Sat 04-May-13 18:05:25

My tuppency worth - men who walk out have to find a way of blaming the person they walked out on, and making them feel like it was all down to their faults, as the alternative is facing up to the fact that they themselves are selfish ar5es. Your ex is doing just that - making you feel bad to make himself feel better. It can't feel good when your daughter has such a low opinion of you that she refuses to see you can it now?

Disengage, pity him for the miserable worthless man that he is, and enjoy your freedom from him. Your life is yours now, no tip toeing round old misery guts and his insecurities. You're free, remember that, free... he can't hurt you any more.

Writing is so cathartic, perhaps you can use that talent as an outlet. It's a wonderful talent to have, and that alone makes you special. There will be many other things about you that make you special too. So, yes, actually you are THAT special.

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