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In front of the children

(71 Posts)
Milspeth Sat 04-May-13 12:46:57

I'm new on this board, hoping someone can help!

I have been living with my OH for 18 months. Our relationship is fraught because we're both feisty. I don't have any children, he has three teenagers who live with us half the time. We get on well and OH says I haven't put a foot wrong with them.

Recently OH had been in a stroppy mood all week and wouldn't let his youngest son have friends over to camp out because it was too short notice. In front of his son he asked me what I thought and I suggested they try to find a middle ground. Not backing him up annoyed him and OH turned on me. His anger quickly escalated and he started yelling abuse at me in front of the children. I yelled back. His eldest son tried to get him to back off but he'd lost it. When OH was out of the room his eldest gave me a hug, which OH walked in on. Furious, he told his son he didn't know why he was siding with me because I'm always complaining about the children. My turn to be incensed. I can't tell you how wide of the mark that is. I sometimes grumble about mess but I would go out of my way forthem and have never said a bad word about them to anyone. I told the children it wasn't true but OH persisted saying I was always moaning about them. To shut him up I slapped him. While I was comforting his youngest son, who was tearful because he felt it was all his fault, OH followed me and repeated it again, and I slapped him again.

I am depressed to hell by our destructive behaviour. I've apologised to the children but I feel embarrassed and awkward. OH says I'm a domestic abuser but I feel betrayed by him for driving a wedge between me and them. Whatever anger he felt towards me, why would he hurt their feelings to get at me?

We have had furious rows before and I have suggested counselling but OH says I cause his anger. Involving the children feels as if boundaries have been crossed and the genie is out of the bottle. I apologised to OH but he doesn't think he's got anything to apologise to me for. I feel as if I am now gagged because I can't trust him. Am I seeing it from one perpective to say I feel disgusted by him?

Thanks for any advice.

freddiemisagreatshag Sat 04-May-13 12:47:37

You slapped him?

UnChartered Sat 04-May-13 12:50:32

It sounds pretty awful for everyone, but you lost my vote when you said you slapped him.

Xales Sat 04-May-13 12:54:46

You slapped him to shut him up in front of kids. Not good in the slightest.

Him deliberately upsetting his children by saying you don't like them. Not good in the slighest.

You have had furious rows before in 18 months of living together. Not good in the slightest.

Feisty is not an excuse for a fraught relationship it is shit.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sat 04-May-13 12:55:08

Why is he so stroppy? He sounds like an arsehole.

Cluffyfunt Sat 04-May-13 12:58:16

He is a nasty piece of work for mentally abusing you and his dc.
You committed dv.

I think you should leave him and try to sort yourself out with regards to your (violent) reaction to your oh.

freddiemisagreatshag Sat 04-May-13 12:58:18

I just would love to see the response a man would get on here if he posted "so I slapped her to shit her up"

Leavenheath Sat 04-May-13 13:00:12

This relationship needs to end. It is awful.

freddiemisagreatshag Sat 04-May-13 13:00:53

Shut her up

TheVermiciousKnid Sat 04-May-13 13:01:55

I think it would be better for everybody concerned if you go your separate ways. He was out of order, but so were you for slapping him.

DioneTheDiabolist Sat 04-May-13 13:03:47

Disgusting behaviour. I am so sad for those poor DCs. If I was their mother I would not be allowing them back in your house. This isn't a relationship, it's a sick, twisted mess. You two are not feisty, OP, you are dysfunctional.

Leave and get some help so that you learn how to have a healthy relationship.

UnChartered Sat 04-May-13 13:03:48

You're right freddie

OP, you hit your partner to shut him up

That is domestic violence

Longdistance Sat 04-May-13 13:05:58

18 months is not time.
I think it's time to move on for both of you. It's not a good relationship, and I don't think it could be. You don't seem to sing form that same hymn sheet to me. Not good.
I do feel for his dc though.

Lweji Sat 04-May-13 13:16:19

Walk away...

Before you have children.

balia Sat 04-May-13 13:17:21

Does the DC's mother know that they are living in the midst of this abusive situation?

Get out now and get help for your issues before you do them any more harm.

Fairylea Sat 04-May-13 13:18:34

None of this is any good for anyone.

You both need anger management help.

DuchessFanny Sat 04-May-13 13:18:55

Poor kids .... witnessing DV changes who you are .
Being apologised to afterwards makes little difference ( in my sad experience)
Please go your seperate ways so they don't have to see it again ...

Lizzabadger Sat 04-May-13 13:22:27

You need to end the relationship

Cluffyfunt Sat 04-May-13 13:33:18


Milspeth Sat 04-May-13 14:14:43

Thanks for your replies. I'm seeing that slapping him crosses the line for many of you, more so than emotional abuse.

I know there's no excuse for what I did but up to now I have pegged them as equally pernicious and I know that we've both sunk as low as it gets.

UnChartered Sat 04-May-13 14:22:14

So, OP, what are you going to do about your behaviour?

Milspeth Sat 04-May-13 14:24:44

UnChartered - I will deal with it, you don't need to challenge me on it. I'm not glib about it.

UnChartered Sat 04-May-13 14:26:41

It wasn't a challenge, it was a genuine question.

Some people might not know where to start.

Leverette Sat 04-May-13 14:32:11

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Milspeth Sat 04-May-13 14:32:12

Ok, sorry.

I understand enough about that incident to know I will never raise my hand again. As I said initially, I asked OH to go to counselling with me to address how we resolve differences without rowing. If he won't then we have no future.

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