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i cant do this anymore

(18 Posts)
2anddone Fri 03-May-13 21:13:28

My husband left 5 weeks ago, although we didn't tell the dc until 3 weeks ago as they are used to him not being around because of shift work. Since he told them he visits twice a week and one day at the weekend. On the week day visits he comes for tea, helps put the kids to bed and leaves. On the weekend visit he takes the dc out then brings them home for tea and helps put them to bed. The reason he does this is he doesn't have his own place yet so there is nowhere for them to go visit him.
Its killing me the decision to split was all him he says there is no ow but we all know what that usually means.
He is being over generous with financial help he is paying the mortgage, credit card and loan I am taking over household bills. He is selling our family car to buy 2 cheaper cars of which we will have one each.
It kills another piece of me everytime he visits I still love him. My dc are miserable but he wont believe me as when he is here they are happy because he is here. I just want to see a smile on my dc face. I just want to get through a day without falling apart. I am 3 weeks until my first year degree handin and I can't even face it. Come on wise people of mn help me please.

2anddone Fri 03-May-13 21:13:54

Sorry for typos on phone can't see through tears sad x

Locketjuice Fri 03-May-13 21:18:20


LEMisdisappointed Fri 03-May-13 21:18:34

I'm so sorry you are going through this, you are right, it can't continue and whilst your children are enjoying him being around its sending them mixed messages. Are his parents local? could he take them there?

As far as uni goes, you should inform your personal tutor and ask for extensions.


2anddone Fri 03-May-13 21:21:55

The three weeks includes the extension was supposed to be the 13 may but they have moved it to 27th. His parents are local but I don't want them to go there as they are toxic and I am worried they will say nasty things to dc about me (dc are 4 and 7)

mervynmouse Fri 03-May-13 21:35:20

Really feeling for you OP, it must still feel so raw but believe me it will get better. Whatever the reasons for his leaving don't make it your fault and don't dwell. Distraction is key, I found watching loads of silly sitcoms really helpful, takes you out of the here and now if even for half an hour and those little bursts of happiness help boost your general state of mind.thanks

PurpleThing Fri 03-May-13 21:39:09

If it is killing you, you need to re-arrange this. You need some space to grieve for your relationship and move on. We are not talking about a 4 month old, he can take them out for tea.

Can you go to a friends or family for one evening?

You need to balance what they need with what you need to survive through this very difficult stage (and you surviving is for their benefit too). Is he getting his own place soon?

It's good that he is being fair about money but remember that is only what a decent parent should do.

2anddone Fri 03-May-13 21:44:28

He says he can't afford his own place with paying the mortgage etc. So will more than likely become a cock lodger. He can take them out for tea and I have suggested it but he says he can't afford it twice a week and he wants to be able to put them to bed

2anddone Fri 03-May-13 21:45:34

I do have a friend I can go round while he is there but not sure how they would feel about it twice a week

Hopasholic Fri 03-May-13 21:50:21

So sorry you're going through this.
Is there any way you could find the strength to say to yourself: ' Yes this is a completely shite situation but I am determined to get through this degree to help secure mine & the DC's future'

Don't let him win in all of this. You will get through it but it's going to take time. Get a support network round you and do what's right for you.

I know it's a big ask but you can do it flowers

He's chosen to leave. Let him take them somewhere else or otherwise he doesn't see them until he's got some accommodation.

chainstore Fri 03-May-13 21:53:06

You should try to do something for yourself once or twice a week like go for a swim or to a yoga or art class and have him come and look after the kids that night. It must be really difficult to be there with him playing happy families. Stay strong.

chainstore Fri 03-May-13 21:53:43

You should try to do something for yourself once or twice a week like go for a swim or to a yoga or art class and have him come and look after the kids that night. It must be really difficult to be there with him playing happy families. Stay strong.

DaydreamDolly Fri 03-May-13 22:00:11

So sorry you are having to deal with this. Another twunt leaving his family as he thinks the grass is greener. Although when he discovers it's not, you will have realised it is. Trust me on this.
I also think you need to absent yourself when he comes round. My ExH has the kids at his place at weekends but 1 night in the week he comes here for a few hours to put them to bed. As soon as he arrives I make myself scarce, go to the supermarket, gym, for a run, to a friends, to my mums, anything to get out of the house. I think it confuses my dc to see us interacting together as a family when it's still quite early days in the separation (7 months)

2anddone Sat 04-May-13 06:34:54

I agree I do need to leave the problem is as much as it hurts i like seeing him we were together 20 years married 7 he was one of my best friends and i miss him so much sad

PurpleThing Sat 04-May-13 22:20:44

So he's imaging this is a permanent solution that he spends the evening at yours three times a week? Who is making tea and cleaning up?

On the one hand he is paying lots of bills but then using lack of money as an excuse for not having his own place they can visit or taking them out? I don't think that is treating you fairly.

Your dc may be happy when he is there as they are hoping that is a sign you are getting back together.

You are not happy with this and quite possibly it is confusing for your dc. I have been there but honestly it got a lot easier when things were properly separated.

Bossybritches22 Sat 04-May-13 22:39:09

Is he staying at his parents?

PenelopePitstop72 Sat 04-May-13 23:04:57

So sorry you are going through such a shity time. I dont know exactly how you feel, but i can sympathise. I asked my dh to leave last October (after years of emotional and verbal abuse) and it really did break my heart tearing apart my family. Only several weeks ago, i completely hit rock bottom, when he told me about OW of few months. A new level of heart break. Completely fell apart for a couple of weeks. Not eating or sleeping and feeling like even functioning at a very basic level was difficult. I had to resort to getting parents over several time as my emotional unsteadiness was too great. Plus i was completely confused by how awful this man had been to me during marraige and yet i was so hurt. I hated myself for feeling it.

Anyway, theres hope. The tears will get fewer. The self pity will get less. And you will gradually feel stronger. You MUST distract yourself. Keep busy. Push yourself to do things. I went a weeks holiday with dc and my parents. My problems didnt go, but i was away from my normal environment. Also, get angry! I don't mean shouting and violence of course, but start to look at this differently. Look whats hes done to you and your kids because he is selfish. Hes trying to be nice for his own conscience. Realise how ruthless he has been and let that harden your resolve to pick yourself up and move forwards in baby steps. And show him, that this will not break hou. and it will make you grow into a stronger person. You can do it! You will have good and bad days. let yourself have a cry when you really need to, even if its nipping to the bathroom, then dry your eyes and get back on with your day as best you can. Listen to uplifting and upbeat music. Especially songs about strong women or being wronged. It really helps, even just temporarily! Talk, talk, talk to your trusted frineds and family about how your feeling. Then change the subject and talk about other stuff. My work kept me sane. I had to function to work, or i didnt get paid. Dig deep for your childrens sake too. Exercise too-walk, swim, zumba, whatever you can do.

Spend littlest time with him possible. Dont chat or text on anything but kids. be business like is advice i was given. Keep away if he is there ( a lesson i am yet to practice, but my husband is manipulative and i dont trust him). Defriend on FB as that just messes with your head.

suggestions for your uni work??? Not sure. Its so hard to focus when in turmoil. You will have to make a decision on that one. Can you re sit? How will that impact you? Or can you take a few days and get through the work, just put your problems on hold, somehow !?!, and take the stance that you will not let him be the cause of your failure? Just do your best on this one.

Time to take control back, from him, and from your emotions which are ruling you right now. I am living proof that these feelings will subside. It will still hurt, but you'll be able to cope more and then you'll begin to smile and laugh again gradually. Youre at rock bottom, but there is only one way to go. Onwards and upwards. Someone told me "there is something better out there for you, but you are having to go through this rough phase in order to get there. " You will appreciate that one day. For now, take one day at a time.

Best wishes and take care xx

ElectricSheep Sat 04-May-13 23:33:17

Re the degree. You said you were in the first year? If so, don't sweat. All you have to do is get something down. The mark won't count towards your final degree, you just need to pass. As long as you get something down with the main points that will be a pass. You can tell your tutors you are going through a really rough time and will improve next year. DON't give up. You can do it. You deserve a future without your selfish, cheating X. And I'd bet my last penny he will be cheating.

Just go out when he comes to see DC. Play it down to them, 'Mum's just popping out so I;ll say goodnight now' and go. It's the constant presence that is rubbing salt into the wound. You need to be a revolving door with him.

It will get easier honestly. Look after yourself.

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