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Starting divorce process STRESSFUL

(10 Posts)
Lahti Fri 03-May-13 20:35:12

I have posted here quite a few times now since deciding to split from H but I am now starting the divorce process.
A few details- married 10 years, 1 DD 3 years old, joint bank account with offset mortgage, his mother is our unpaid childcare, DD attends preschool 5 afternoons per week.
Basically H just refuses to agree with anything at all.
He wants 50:50 shared access with our 3 year old DD. I originally thought this would be ok, but I have since spoken with the Citizens advice and my solicitor who pointed out that it would be difficult for H to do this without relying heavily on his elderly mother who he is living with in a small 2 bedroomed flat (our DD doesn't have her own bed there). Therefore I have suggested that our DD stays with him 2 nights in the week and alternate Saturdays. I am not against him seeing her during the day at any time but he has started to refuse to see her unless it is his official day, obviously our DD doesn't understand this.
He has offered me £1000 per year child maintenance but he thinks he shouldn't pay any at all as he wants 50:50. I have said I want to use the CSA and he has come back and asked me how much I want but I that need to consider the house, mortgage as part of a total package.

I am trying to buy him out of the family home as he refuses to stay on the mortgage and wants to sell instead. I have no ties here apart from him therefore I don't want to buy a smaller house and spend more money on legal fees to stay in a town 250 miles away from my family. He is demanding £45K straight away and then take a 16% equity share in the home. I have no idea what I am doing so I ran it past my solicitor, who has after looking at all the details suggested I pay him £35K instead and the 16% equity share. He has refused point blank to agree to this. He thinks I should get an even bigger mortgage than I have been told I can have by our current lenders (he has asked a different branch himself what I can borrow). He says that I haven't given the solicitor the correct figures and that if I keep running to my solicitor there wont be any money left in the pot. I am willing to increase my hours to 4 days a week to do all of this but I want to do it on my terms but he rings and texts everyday to ask if I have asked my boss yet.
I would really like to move back home but feel that it is important for DD to see her dad, therefore I am trying to stay here but I will be stretched to my absolute limit if I do even what my solicitor has suggested.
We used to only have 1 car which he has kept, I asked my solicitor if I could buy myself one and she said yes. As I have no idea about cars my parents bought one for me and I have paid them back. He is furious and says that it should have been a gift from them to me as it is eating into the finances.
He keeps ringing and texting me even though I have said that I only want email contact. When I drop off/pick up our DD he has a go at me telling me I am being a dictator and then makes more demands on me. I have now started just giving the briefest answers and not explaining myself to him all the time and just saying ok, bye but he then tells me off like I am a 5 year old and tells me not to walk away while he is talking to me.
I am dreading going to mediation as I just feel like his personality is too strong for me to stand my ground.

How did people who have gone through this manage? It is just so stressful.

SquinkiesRule Sat 04-May-13 06:33:05

He sounds like a bully.
I'm sure there will be someone along with experience to talk about it soon.

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt Sat 04-May-13 06:40:59

Hi, what a horrid man.

I know it is hard to avoid him given the circumstances but I would definitely continue to avoid him as much as possible and make sure that finances are discussed through the solicitor only.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 04-May-13 07:17:19

I think you have to take a huge step back from this and put it in the hands of your solicitor. Yes it's going to cost both of you a small fortune but, if he's being deliberately obstructive and bullying, you are going to get nowhere with mediation. Screen calls, ignore texts and your only reply on e-mail is 'talk to my solicitor'.

As regarding moving back home, do it, then argue the toss. If you can't afford to stay where you are and you need the family support then you are entitled to live where you like. It is important for DCs to maintain contact with parents but not if you, the resident parent, would be forced into hardship and subjected to abuse.

DorisIsWaiting Sat 04-May-13 07:30:44

Ask for mediation in seperate rooms so you do not have to see him.

He is bullying and intimidating you. It may be worth contacting Women's Aid as if he was in any way like this during the relationship you may benefit froom one of their freedom courses.

He has taken the family car and is trying to get you to sell the family home (despite the fact you have a small dc). He wants off the mortgage. There does not seem to be much thought about what is best for your dc in all of this.

Are you happy with your solicitor? And did you ask around for recomendations /see several before choosing one. I think you are being more than accomodating I would send one taxt saying all future correspodence needs to be by email and you will not discuss it further either by text or phone calls if he can not abide by this it will all have to go through the solicitor.

Do not respond to texts do not answer the phone to him. You do not have to stand and listen to him at handover. If he becomes abusive call the police.

redskynight Sat 04-May-13 08:00:04

He doesn't sound like he has a strong personality (actually you do from what you describe), but he sounds like a child and a bully shouting the odds and trying to force you to play his way otherwise he will tantrum. If moving home to your family and support, and that means you are able to cope financially, then there is nothing wrong with that imo, particularly given his behaviour. 250 miles is not outer space.

Lahti Sun 12-May-13 16:11:13

Hi all and thanks for your replies so far. At the moment he is still insisting on everything his own way and has now started shouting at me down the phone (I answer it when he has our DD). I have sent copies of his emails to my solicitor and am awaiting her response. He tells me that I obviously don't give a toss about our DD as long as I get to keep her angry I am sure you will all understand how sad that makes me feel. I just want it all over with quickly, I feel like I am in limbo at the moment and cant make any decisions.

DorisIsWaiting Tue 14-May-13 11:37:30

You are NOT to blame for this. Use your solicitor, If he rings you up and starts ranting PUT THE PHONE DOWN. He will get the message (eventually).

PoppyField Tue 14-May-13 12:01:03

Hi Lahti - you have my sympathies. It is obvious why you are getting divorced!

He is a nasty, shouty bully and you are getting far too much information here. You need to stop listening to all his crap. Make that a priority. You do not need to know what he thinks of deals put to him via his solicitor ( I assume he has one) from your solicitor. Tell him 'Talk to my solicitor'. Just keep repeating yourself until he gets the message, or just hang up on him if he starts on the phone and won't stop.

You may need to get a more pro-active solicitor. You haven't said what their advice is. It is hard, but there is no reason why you should have to listen to his crap. This is part of his bullying agenda.

Good luck. It is very hard when you are dealing with someone who is determined to be as horrible as possible.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-May-13 12:05:36

The irony of this... which is clearly lost on him... is that the worse he behaves, shouting, being obstructive and carrying on, the less likely he'll get anything he wants at all. FWIW I don't think your DD should spend any time with him because he sounds incredibly angry and unhinged.... Hard as it is, keep disengaging, keep talking to your solicitor and make immediate plans to move back to your parents.

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